i think i might be falling in love with this girl i just met

i am married and have been together for about 14 years. she seeked me out initially during a break and started talking to me and we got put together on some projects were it is just the 2 of us unsupervised. . we gel really well and she is different than most girls/women i have been attracted to throughout time. the attraction usually is one or more things that physically turn me on. don't get me wrong she is really cute and originally i was going to introduce her to my friend or my brother but the more we talk/work together i see them not being a good match for her. she is super talkative, quirky and flirty (without being slutty). we have been together a lot and i really look forward to us being together even if just in a work setting as it is very much just me and her together a vast majority of the time. her best friend who works there too was kind of quiet towards me now she is also pretty friendly now.

i mean i am 40 and i never considering the thought of falling in love with another woman while still loving my wife. i have only known this girl for less than a month and i haven't had sex nothing physical. i have mentioned to her that I am married but the subject changes quickly.

this girl is 23 and i am 40, my wife is 36. i just got off work this afternoon and we were not together today both had separate projects but she made sure to come see me and ask when and where i was working. the manager (a woman) came up and talked to us shortly after and she knows i am married and she said isn't "k" cute? i said yeah she's a sweetheart. manager goes i am going to have you all over for a house party once i get moved in we all are invited. manager's boss is best friends with a old friend of my wife. if things couldn't get even weirder.

edit: she was always 23 and i was already 40 when we met i guess i felt better about myself being 39 and her 24. guess i felt better at a 15 year difference.

 

Well is this girl in a relationship or single ?

 

she is single. she has been dating this guy on and off and he treats her like crap (threatens suicide to get back together and then ignores her) but they are not together and i think i am a big reason why. i tell her that she needs to be with someone who knows that they want her. coming from the older, married guy that is rich but i have real feelings for her. i really feel something for her. i haven't been working as much with her recently due to me being trained for a new project and her being moved to a different department because of the holidays. tomorrow we are together for 6-7 hours and it is going to take everything for me to not just tell her exactly how i feel and what i want to do/tell to her. i think the wife is worried i would potentially leave her for this girl . it is making me feel like a piece of shit. i am not leaving my wife but this girl messes with my head (not her fault) because i constantly find myself thinking about being with her (like everyday relationship wise). then there is the fact that her mom is only 2-3 years older than me and while i look a little younger than i am i mean it is a stretch we are almost 17 years apart.

edit: i started going through this entire "diary" (you could call ti that) about this "k" and i find more and more of what i said early on being true to this day and only feeling stronger now. i do find it funny that i was trying to change little things like me being almost 40 and her being 24 like a year or two really matters.

 

we have barely been working together lately but when we do it is great. friday i came in a little bit after kate but we are together. other guy is frustrated as he only has one more day til he leaves for good. he has always tried flirting with "k" (she is nice to him but not interested). i come in and she blows him off everytime we are together (me, him and her). so when i came in he tried to embarrass her by saying some dumb shit loudly enough many could hear. she tells me what he said and then he comes around her and she says "this is my buddy" and stands real close to me his face gets bright red. "k" who i thought was 24 is actually 23. well there is this cindy girl like i said is just 18 less than 2 months ago. all of the sudden friday kate is telling me she doesn't like cindy because she thinks she is better than everyone and is a bitch. cindy who has a bf suddenly seemed a little nicer to me. "k" is skinnier i think about 5'9'' and she told me she is 112lbs the other day (conversation about her weighted blanket) she has brownish hair but just dyed it red and she does different things with her hair (pony tail, straight, bun, etc) and she is really cute. she wears a hoodie or a pullover (as she is always cold) but she has a very nice body. she has 3 tattoo's (cute ones too) and she has an eyebrow piercing and i wonder if she has any others. well back to friday i mentioned to my boss about we need a keurig because i need some coffee. k goes well i could get you something when i leave. to cover her tracks she offers to buy the boss something too. she tells me how she is usually "greedy" with her money but she would get me something this was after i told her i'd give her 10 bucks. anyways she goes to leave and asked if i wanted something i told her i would love an drink but you dont have to. she just worked an 8 hour shift and it was a 15 minute drive to get my drink. i thought she was getting our boss something too. she cutely prances back in about 40 minutes later with my drink i ask her how much (i know it is like 5.25 or 5.45) she goes for you it costs nothing and smiles at me. did you get the boss something? you didnt have to go there just for me. she says well i bought myself something too and giggles and then leaves. fast forward to saturday i hit the break room and she is in there with another guy and she goes to me do you have any quarters? so i said how many do you need? she says all of yours. i had 5 and i gave her all of them. she was getting m&m's out of the candy machine as she gets real shaky when her sugar goes low. the guy goes you gave her so much i gave her 1. another older dude walks in and says i thought you were smart because she played you. so i look at her and tell her how much i enjoyed the starbucks she bought me yesterday the old guy goes touche and the other dude who gave her a quarter pouted and kate goes that is because chad is my buddy.

there was an issue that i think really won me over a few weeks ago and it went like this: she got a had infection on her face right before thanksgiving so bad she had to go to the hospital. it was from wearing masks for 8 hours a day all week. i was really worried about her. well she missed 3 days and then came back and was trying to make up the hours she lost and she came in a few hours early on a saturday afternoon. meanwhile i woke up that morning and i felt horrible i had back and stomach pain and legs cramped but i had no fever, no cough, no lack of smell or taste. i had food poisoning i still went in and i really do not remember much of the day. i do remember her telling me how bad she felt and her hand kept shaking and told me her blood sugar gets low and she can pass out. i was just training to be manager at that point but i asked her if i could help her in anyway. she said usually she eats something before work but came in so early she had nothing on her stomach and she didnt have any money on her. i remember telling her i would buy her the candy bar. apparently i told her (with the the food poisoning i had i was out of it a bit) that "i would buy anything to help her feel better". also early this year before i worked with her she injured her back lifting something and missed 2 months. she wasnt supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds and she said she probably can lift heavier stuff but she told me (back in early november) she gets nervous lifting anything "too heavy". she told me that the first or second day i met her about that. i told her one day that if she ever needs anything lifted come get me and i will help her. friday she was trying to lift two 25lb boxes with me standing right next to her and i stopped her and did it and told her i don't want you to get hurt.

i feel like i am inviting trouble but the heart wants what it wants and right now and i find myself wanting her heart. there is no lust in my heart with this beautiful young lady. sure i want to get be physical in every way but i find myself caring deeply about her.

edit : she had opened up to me about an ex who abused her in many ways including sexually. this wasn't even the guy who threatened suicide to keep her either. this is how i know i am falling in love with her. i laid in bed that night and i couldn't stop crying thinking about what happened and how badly it messed her up. i just wanted to take that away from her. she was telling me this on the eve of her blood tests for her health issues. she could have talked to anyone but she choose to open up to me. i am glad i was there for her but i want to be there for her everytime she needs me not just when we are at work or she knows i am working and comes in to see me. i really wanted her to date my brother simply because i thought she was kind of my brothers type the first week after meeting her. thing is my brother is not in the right space for a girlfriend. and being married neither am i but k and i we have so much in common that i really feel like we are 2 parts of the same entity. she has said the exact same thing i had been thinking about her for a week or so. i used to rip my hs friend who liked girls much younger. maybe it is karma biting me.

edit 2: one of the guys in the break room (around Christmas) basically inferred because i gave her a quarter for peanut m & m's that "she was giving me that pussy". i literally told her that the other day and on friday this hs kid who works there caught the tail end of me and "k" talking and he says something to me about "hitting her pussy" and how that would make me "a little pedo". old me would have downplayed it but instead i go "she is 23, almost 24 and while i am married if "k" wants it and i want it there is nothing saying we can't. also maybe my wife is into a younger, cute girl for a 3 some (she is not but i was saying it for effect) and if we both want it there is nothing saying we can't". i saw the dude check her out a bunch of times but he just kinda laughed and was like "yeah" or "yeah bro".

 

it is so much worse now. i think i realized i was falling for her after about 2 1/2 weeks. we have become really close that other employees are getting upset with how close we are. anyways she has some health problems and i have been trying to reinforce positivity with her. i have been there for her. even though she is rarely working with me i see she is now doing what i have been for awhile: going out of her way to see me. thing is we have spent a lot of time together recently. she came in to see me twice the other night after we already saw each other at work as she was really nervous about her doctor's appt and "needed to see me". then weds was her big appt and she came in saying she needed to use the restroom and had her car parked her and he gf dropped her off. anyways she comes in and spends the next 2 plus hours just pouring her heart out to me. of course i pried info because i have never been so interested in anyone. i can tell from early on with her not just today but from the beginning that she has been treated very bad as she has low self esteem and she had come to me before about her ex who would break up with her but then guilt trip her w suicide threats if she didnt come back. it was worse than that as the previous guy she was with abused her verbally and sexually and kept her from eating. she lost like (120lbs down into the 80's) 30+ lbs and has had a hard time gaining back her weight as she is at 110. i don't just like her because of her issues and i want to play the hero. it just seemed like early on i was the one trying to get close to her but now i feel like she may very well be falling for me. i have made sure not to sexually do anything with her to this point because i had more feelings and emotions for her in the first 2 days of meeting her than i have with any woman i wanted to randomly hook up with. i am married and i love my wife. i know i am in trouble because even when i am with my wife she still pops in my head (not during sex but random times). there are a lot of things that i may not have mentioned small and intimate conversations. she hurt her hand one day when i walked in the break room it was even swelling up. i without thinking about it grabbed her hand and rubbed it with one hand and held her hand with my other and she was all tense and quickly loosened her up.i kept holding her hand even after it was feeling better. i grabbed a bottle of water i had in the freezer and put it on her hand but she only had a few minutes til she had to go back to work. i think that was a few days before she brought me starbucks after her shift (she drove all the way across to another town and brought it all the way back after she worked for 8 hours). i tell her i will pay her back or bring her something in and she said i don't owe me anything because she wanted to get me that drink. i have mentioned i am married multiple times however maybe not as often as maybe i should. because it is basically my wife's old friend who hired me. the one manager girl who is my boss' friend really used to like this girl but now gets really shitty and has warned me how "kate is not who you think she is". the one guy who was trying to flirt with her got mad i showed up "because she always talks to me". kate then said real loud chad is "my buddy" then fast forward to wednesday night when she showed me a bunch of pictures of her dog. i am like that is a really cute dog what's his name? she says "that's my buddy". i laugh and think to myself oh she just calls him the same nickname she gave me infront of that guy and 5 other employees. so that's your "buddy" she goes "no his name is buddy". so on my way home from work last night i was feeling really guilty like i think kate may feel the way i feel about her. then i am like i cant leave my wife of 10 years i would feel guilty and my family loves her. then i flip to kate and think the girl who has been treated like shit by every guy she has been with is falling for me. if i turn her down i might scar her for life. either way i am going to hurt somebody very soon and i am going to have mounds of guilt either way. i thought about taking kate to dinner and renting a hotel room and seeing where we are physically. i am really confused and today kate is getting back her results from the doctor.

 

fuck me. i didnt realize just how much i felt for kate. the other day we were having fun she was teasing me about my haircut (and the fact that i am thin up top) but i have been that way since i was in my early 20's. i told her you wait i will get you for that (comment). anyways the next morning she comes up to me hair down (sometimes puts her back and she looks cute but other times she lets it down and looks super sexy then again today she did pigtails and fuck me that has turned me on since i was in junior high) and she just came up to go on break. about an hour later i see her holding her back and i stop her and ask if her if her back is ok as she had a accident last spring (lifting). she was wincing. i see her an hour later and she is legit crying she is in so much pain i tell her to come to the office and get a pill i dont want to see her in pain and it makes me sad. i ended up busy so she didnt come over to me. well that was ok because she was getting off 15 minutes after my lunch so i figured i could catch her in the break area where she has her jacket/purse. i get really busy and get my break pushed back the best i get to do is tell her from my office i hope you feel better. seeing her cry from being in that much pain legit hurt me. i left her a note and put it in her locker. as soon as she saw me this morning she came to see me in regards to the note. i told her during our breaks which crossed that dont worry i didnt open your locker and snoop i just pushed the note through the opening. she laughed at me and said i know you didn't. however i have left her notes a few other times. one was completely work related i messaged my boss for her and she got back to me so i left her a note about it. another was a note i gave her joking about the one guy that always stares at her and won't talk to her. she hung on to both notes. she literally showed me look what i have (the joke one) and showed me and the other one about talk to one of the managers and she still had it in her locker on top like 2 weeks later. on top of that her best friend is being nicer and nicer to me. i would love to know what she has said about me to her.

kate is 23 and has lived with her mom, stepdad and their kid. she is closer with her dad (and admittedly is a daddy's girl) but he lives farther away. she sprung on me she is looking at an apartment the other day. i figured she was moving in with her best friend. i spoke with her yesterday and she told me that is not the case she is going to live alone. she was looking at the apartment today but was pretty sure she is moving in there. i am getting very anxious because i really want to explore more with her and now this gives us an legit avenue. also my wife keeps telling me how i she is worried i am going to leave her because i have lost weight, i work with a lot of women. i dont even work out but plan to start here in the spring. also i have a lot of stress on me as i am the only one who works and one income is making shit tighter than it should be even though i am making better money than i was this summer. all evening and tonight i keep thinking it would be perfect if kate got this apartment i could help her with bills. its one thing being married though as opposed to being engaged or dating. i really dont want to leave my wife i do love her but there is so much shit going on and so much pressure on me to keep things afloat. my biggest worry with kate is she has been in several really shitty relationships. i put her pussy on a pedestal i might spook her. i tell her i love her too soon i might spook her. i think about her mom being only 2 1/2 years older than me and her dad like 5. i think my family who were a little slow to truly accept my wife might be closer to her than they are to me. i didn't plan to fall for this cute 23 year old. i wanted her to date my brother. i even told my wife that after the first day i met her. i dont think my brother and her would work personality wise. it was maybe day 2 or 3 i was kind of intrigued by her and by week 2 i was finding myself looking forward to seeing her and talking to her. i thought i could handle being just friends then i joke with her for example i get off at 7pm and she is there til 830 and i go "you're going to miss me" and she straight goes "yeah i always do" and in front of other people. then in the break room i walk in and she was looking at the schedule and she says to me "i always look at the schedule to see if we are together and we never are but i wish we were (and pouts)" and this was like maybe after a month. this girl even got me praying again. i grew up going to church all my life and then when my wife and i got together i quit going. mostly because she didn't like my church and secondly i started sleeping in sundays with her. anyways last month kate is telling me her issues so i dont know if God was talking to me or if i just felt like i needed to i prayed for her before i went to bed every night. i told her the day before her big doctors appt just to make her feel better or be more at ease. for weeks now i pray for her every single night and i have even broken down crying a few times and i never cry. i have come to the conclusion that i love kate in some capacity. i rarely cry over people dying that i love. i feel like kate might be the only good thing to happen to me in this mess that was 2020. i have no one to discuss this with so i have used this thread on this forum to vent my thoughts.

 

so she was off weds and came in to see me and she was just wearing a red hoodie and these tight little yoga pants. i like that this happened because i have been feeling too emotional towards her lately. i saw the imprint of her cute little butt.

seriously though it has been very emotional this week. talk about her leaving for a better paying job. she was almost in tears about leaving talking to me. for 2 days i ranged from mad to sad before realizing if i actually care for her i should hope for her to better herself. after her meeting she said she doesn't know when she is leaving or even if because it "would be hard for her to go" and currently is a "essential" job that won't see the job eliminated with this covid stuff.

edit: she had one job offer for decently more money but nit a safe area

 

so i have been going over a month now and every single night i pray for her. this was not something i was doing as i said i had fallen out of doing that shortly after meeting my wife. i don't think i have ever grown to care for someone as much and as fast as i have with her. i met her nov 2nd and by the 20th of that month i am posting on here i think i am falling for her. to be fair i thought that at least a week before i posted this too. the day she hurt her back i wrote her a note and put it in her locker. nothing sexual just telling her i hope she feels better and i think about her and pray for her to feel better. the next week we were the only 2 in the break room and she was going through her locker and said "yeah i saved your note". i honestly dont know my exact words but it was something along the lines of it is nice to know that people care about/worry about you. she was like "yeah" and i said it is a nice reminder. speaking of a nice reminder i have this one picture of her and no she is not naked and really i only see her face but it makes me feel better. i can't wait to see her tomorrow. seeing her is the brightest part of everyday.

yeah i am FUCKED. lmao.

 

also her apartment fell through that she was talking about. we had a long discussion the other day after work. people at work wondering why a 40 year old married man is so close to this cute and sexy 23 year old young lady. most people think i am younger anyways but they know i'm married. it wasn't like i came to this place looking for the cutest girl in the entire company to fall for. i ran into her in the breakroom on my second day and then they (my work) put us together for several projects the very next day. if only they did that again put us in the back with no cameras, no supervision for hours on end. then we got the one lead telling us how much chemistry we have and how good we are together the first week to week and a half i started. another employee telling me yes kate is skinny but if you saw her in non work clothes you'd see that for being so petite she has some curves (this was a woman) and is really pretty. yes i have seen her in street clothes a few times and yes she is a fucking adorably sexy young woman why are you beating me over the head with this, lol.

 

i have had lunch with her the last 3 days. i am amazed that this keeps happening i think something about her and within a short period of time she says the exact same thing to me.

so she was going to leave her job but after meeting with higher ups offered her a raise immediately and another raise in april/may and will give her the money she needs and the job security. sunday she was really happy and we discussed it but she was nervous because her dad helped her through school and wants her to go after that field. the thing is we work in a "essential" field and her degree is sort of but she is tenured here and she is not guaranteed full time even if they hire her. while i have been doing anything i can to help her get a raise/promotion since we first worked together during my first week. strictly working they put me in a huge project and i got tons of praise and a promotion in less than 3 weeks because of it. i said i wouldnt have been nearly as good without kate. we absolutely killed it and before i even really liked her i was praising her. we finished not just that project but several projects quicker and more efficiently. i didnt discuss my pay because i was told before i was making more than most who had years of seniority. kate was making less than me (marginally but still) and frankly it made me feel bad. this isn't a gender pay gap thing either as my boss is a very liberal black woman who i have known for a decade and a half if anything it was from my past experience of working with her and i was at the top of her list of people to bring in when they let her head this new place. i walk in the door and am making more than kate who she excels in 3 different areas. she is just cute, petite little 23 year old and has several health issues (she could collect disability and never work again) and only missed work when she was in the hospital. maybe it was this that really turned me on about her. i wanted her to meet my brother and i told her about him and i thought they would click. i thought she would be great with my family. i think physically they would be attracted to each other but my brother does not and has not worked in years. i mean he is an artist and makes some money but i think kate deserves somebody who wouldn't make her be the only one steadily bringing in money.

well yesterday she came up to me and said "i'm staying, i'm not leaving". i wanted to kiss her right there in front of everyone. i find myself so much happier when i see her. like i just sunk all my money into a new car and all i could think is well i'm broke and can't pay half my bills til my next check but that is ok because i get to see kate tomorrow. just to see her pretty eyes and her cute face face and to hear her voice and make her laugh. then on my way home i get upset because i love my wife and i can't leave her and i don't want to. i drink coffee and lots of it but yesterday i hadn't had any in many hours but after spending so much of our day together she left i was so upbeat. my boss was like what kind of coffee did you have? even weirder my boss used to be real good friends with my wife. it was just my boss left that job that my wife knew her from. now kate is working on getting this huge promotion. if she becomes the head of that dept maybe i should move over there i thought sunday. yesterday and again today kate said you should move to my dept. then at the end of lunch we walked out of the break room and she said the best thing about working in the back is no cameras and winked at me. well yesterday she gave me her debit card and asked me to get her something on my break that she needed before her next break so i did but i needed her pin too. i had to find her to get her pin and i am like she is not giving me her pin. she did though. she thanked me when i brought it to her and called me "doll". i went from "buddy" to "doll". so today i saw her and asked her if she needed something again. she was like yeah that would be great but there is this other guy who likes her and told her "you need your sugar daddy to buy you something"? she told him i will pay him (me) back. i said if you do you do if not thats fine or you could get me starbucks again. when i brought it to her she made over it called me a doll, thanked me for always helping her, and i said that is what i am here for and she said "my doll" i said huh? she said "you are a doll and a half" i smiled and said you are welcome (or something like that). she is so adorable.

* edit: they are half assedly screwing her on this promotion. so far she has only gotten a 50 cent/hour wage increase after being offered a bit more and she has been doing more responsibilities.

 

yesterday she was not at work and it is not like her to miss work. i asked about her and no one knew anything and i just knew something bad happened. i was about to leave her a message and she walks in. here she had a work injury friday when i was off. i had bought her something she needed the other day and she said she wanted to come and thank me. well she is supposed to come back tomorrow but i am off. so i put a thing of candy in her locker before i left w/ a note. i saw inside her locker was 2 things and one was my note from the other day. funny was one time i wrote on here embellishing a little bit about her keeping my note in her locker but then a few days after that she gets in her locker one day and tells me "yeah i saved your note". i did it because she gets low blood sugar and with her recent blood loss i knew she would be more susceptible. plus i just cant help being nice to her.

 

i have been having multiple sex dreams with kate. one i just finished and i had a hand on each of her buttcheeks. the other we were at a friends party and he got some medical marijuana and were both naked in bed and she was riding me.

 

lol

 

let me add that late last week she had a really bad day with work and stuff. she called me crying and she was trying to disguise it but i could tell. so i waited around til she got off and i told her she looks like she needs someone to talk so we went grocery shopping together. i was helping her buy a whole bunch of stuff and at one point i was like "if i am bothering you i can go". after about 45 minutes of us shopping and me with only 1 thing in the cart i am like i don't even know what else to get and what i am doing. kate goes "you are helping me and that is good enough for me". after a day of her crying and being stressed out i had her laughing and smiling then she dropped the bomb about something (freckly thing) on her back from when she threw her back out and how nobody sees her without a shirt except her dog. she went from sad to mad to happy to now talking about no one seeing her naked in a long time. i tell her i am sure you look fine not like i was going to be like take your shirt off in the grocery store. there was an issue at work where a lot of us were getting dumped on but she was really getting fucked over. boss lady didnt give her the raise she promised her, holding back on the promotion and now they cut her hours and when she asked why the boss lady was very cunty about it. boss lady has since backtracked her cuntiness. on top of that i was going to move to her department either fully or partially but i think i might be getting played too. even if i am not i dont want to go to her dept if it will further screw her over (hours, promotion) but she needs some help.

 

after seeing her 5 days last week i am enduring day 2 of 4 of not seeing her. i miss her like crazy. i do love my wife and i dont want to leave her but i am losing my mind for kate. i miss her after not seeing her for a few hours. when she wears those tight shirts and her tighter little leggings makes me go crazy. her cute smile, her adorable laugh and her sweet voice just round out the whole package. i almost feel like when i was in high school. i get butterflies before i know i get to see her most times. thing is i tell my wife stuff about her all the time but i dont think she is worried about her. she is worried about this other woman who i literally have zero interest yet that woman always has a problem with kate and i being close. i am convinced she like me but she always brushes off anything saying she likes black guys (and she is very white) the thing is i have a fucking conscience. i dont want to hurt anyone but in the end all i am doing is hurting myself. there are so many layers to everything. i never went out trying to find someone else. kate grew up a lot like me and i understand her issues and i even have shared shit i never even told my wife or my closest friends. i find myself doing little things like buying her coffee or candy pretty regularly (low blood sugar). it started because i was wrestling with the fact that i was having feelings for her for a solid month and then she out of the blue goes and gets me coffee after i told my boss she should get a keurig in front of her. next thing you know kate is like i am usually really greedy with my money but then tells me how she is going to get me whatever i want. so after working her 8 hour shift for the 5th day in a row she goes all the way across to the next town and gets me my caramel macchiato. i was going to give her like $8 or 10 (it is $5+) and she refuses to let me pay. she then tells me the next day she got it for me because she wanted to get me that so there is no charge for that. so i try not to flirt too hard i buy her her favorite drink and surprise her but i go i ordered a latte and they gave me a frappacino too. they didnt i totally paid for it but the flirting at that point was getting really hard and i wasnt trying to openly cheat on my wife i was just trying to repay a debt. well on thurs she come in and worked with me directly for the first time in almost 2 months. so we are talking and she had brought starbucks in and i was like i am going there tomorrow before work. first i ask for recommendations because i said i always get the same thing but truth was i just wanted to talk to her. i ask her since i am getting myself something do you want me to get a frap for you? she is like yeah and i will pay you back. i said you don't have to i mean i never paid you back for when you got me my favorite drink. the next day we were only working together for an hour and in different departments. i made her day and frankly mine. she was so happy and i just told her she deserves good because of all the bad stuff she has dealt with. she has had no less than 3 abusive relationships speaking of the one asshole is trying to get her back then but i have convinced her to the best of my ability to stay away from him he threatens her with suicide and shit if she wont give him another chance. other guy took her out to a mexican restaurant had a few drinks and thought she was drunk (she wasn't) and she told him no but she is small and he just did what he wanted to do to her. the guy before got a place with her and abused her physically (wouldn't let her eat) and sexually too but she hasn't went into that but i think he wanted her to lose weight and she is very petite. last year she threw her back out at work and they found out she had arthritis in her back and she was telling me how her back has these little black spots/specks and how they look awful but its ok that nobody sees her with her shirt off other than her dog. i told her i am sure she looks fine and it is no big deal. she is like you are always trying to make me feel better. this is true but i wish i could be more.

 

*edited*

yeah well on the 2nd day of not seeing her she comes in at the very end of my shift.

 

so she had a chiropractor appt yesterday on her day off and she told me she is going to have to quit her job. i planned yesterday to bring her starbucks into work today because dr appts always stress her out and she always expects the worst. i began to completely melt down. i start stop cried atleast 15 times and have at least 5 times since my ride home from work and right now writing this, i got my stomach all messed up, and every little thing is triggering me. i was in view of her car at work and everytime i looked at my eyes would just start to drip. i looked over in her department and she wasnt there again, then i would see her there and i would twice as bad. i think she leaves every little thing i see will remind me of her. there is so much more i need to mention but my wife just got out of the shower and i cant finish now...

 

ok so there is a bit of an exaggeration. she is not leaving at least not yet. she had an offer for a new job which is a few minutes from my home. it is not a safe place and she wanted to drive by there so of course instead of me trying to talk her out of it so she will stay with me here i tell her if she doesnt feel safe i could ride along with her. thing is they pay over $2 more an hour than she is getting now but it is just part time and very part time. she has decided she is going to stay here for the next year. i have been really all over the board with me feels. friday was torture, saturday i felt great with her and sunday was even better until after work we hung out with her best friend and i was a little afraid to show my real feelings in front of her and i dropped the line about how i wanted to hook her up with my brother. i did. then i realized how much i love just being around her, getting to know her, and just seeing her cuteness. she makes me feel like a kid with his first love. i get butterflies all the time when i know i will see her. tomorrow i get 7 1/2 hours but then i wont see her again until sunday at the earliest unless she comes in to see me. last time she was like i wont see you til tuesday (and it was thursday) and i said well yeah unless you come and see me one of the late nights i am working. i kid you not that saturday evening i got off work and needed to shop and i am looking up ahead and i see her pushing a cart wearing her hoodie and those cute little leggings showing off her cute little butt. so i walk up to her and say hi and say you came at just the right time i just got off, what are the odds? she giggles and i can tell she is smiling behind her mask. we shop together and man i am getting stares from some of the older dudes in the back (50's and 60's). they know something is up with us and frankly you would have to be an idiot to not think so. we did this a few weeks (shopping together) before after she had a really bad day when she called me in the office crying. i knew i had to comfort her so i did. i talk about her all the time to my wife and for some reason she is convinced the threat is this other woman who i am not attracted to at all but she is quite a whore. the whole scenario is crazy to me.

i find it funny when she tries to devalue herself to me and it always backfires because it just makes me like her more. like seriously her imperfections or what she calls imperfections just s like she tells me how she has one eye that can tend to be lazy which i still don't believe. her eyes are fucking beautiful so i call bullshit on that one. how she is anemic and she is pale. i am pretty pale too and is hardly going to push me away from her. then she was embarrassed the one day where she had to pee and have her doctor test it back in jan. and i am like girl when i was like 16 or 17 i literally had to do the same thing. she always jokes w me anytime i say i like chipotle and she is like that gives me the "runs". half of me thinks she is just being her quirky self and the other half is just saying something to make me laugh. about 2 weeks ago she came up to me when i was in the office and she didnt look like she was doing well and i asked her and she said she thought she had the stomach flu because she kept having to go to the bathroom. i guess she was expecting me to be like "eww" or "hope you better" good. instead i give her an anacid and hope that helps and i have more if she needs another. well i got back there towards the end of her break and she is eating her ramen noodle bowl. she proceeds to go clock back in and finish eating and spends basically my entire 15 minutes chatting with me as she finishes her bowl. like i would tell on her. she has done that several more times recently like extend her break or come in the break room and just sit down with me. i found myself do it the other night and the manager lady that day laughed and said you just happened to take a longer break when kate was back there. i laugh and say people are really going to talk even more about us. manager lady dismisses saying "who cares what they think (about you guys)" but she totally is feeling that kate is into me but she is cool.

 

this really sucks her doctor is telling her she needs to get a sit down job. she keeps telling me how she doesnt want to go. we were just talking today the plan for us to work in the same dept. but she is literally right now looking for a job. i dont want her to go. not working together will make it near impossible to see each other. i work and have my car and share my wife's cell phone. so i never gave her my number and we have everything (bills) come out of her bank acct. i am the only income in my household and i make enough to get by but it is hard to have any money left over. i love my wife i dont want to leave her but a life with kate is so appealing and she is truly the person i waited my entire life for but it just didnt happen at the right time. just happened too late. this girl checks every box i ever could imagine. she gave me a glimmer of hope november 2nd on my 2nd day there. when i wasnt really sure i made the right decision transferring much further away her presence made it all worth it and then some. she has given me a pep in my step, a reason for hope, and just a know that there are still genuine great people still out there. worst part like i said i can not contact her because i dont have her number in my phone because my wife would kill me not just her having her in my phone i know we would talk all the time. my wife is a jealous person i mean at a previous job she went off about a manager girl calling me once. she has only ever heard good about k but i dont think she see her as a threat because i have never been into a girl so much younger. when we first started dating 14 years ago there was this 17 year old girl (i was 26) and she was super into me as was my wife and the funny thing is we all worked together for awhile. that was 9 this is nearly double (i mean k was not even 2 years old when i graduated high school). all 3 of us quit the same job within like 2 weeks and then my wife was on and off with her ex but this girl who had a weird arranged boyfriend so i started hanging out with both of them. i didnt even want to get involved with my now wife then because her ex and her would break up and he even went to jail and then cheated on her w his hs girlfriend and she kept taking him back. i figured if i got into a relationship with her she would ditch me for him and i wasnt barking up that tree. it all changed though when she messaged me one day that she liked me before her, me, her ex and my best friend hung out. she broke up with him a few days later but then took him back again despite her telling me how much she was falling for me. i was so confused. this 17 yr old religious girl was cute but i was just friends and she was trying to convert me to her little cult which seemed normal the first 6 weeks then the last week it got wacky. i had a thing for this really cute girl at my local starbucks but honestly i thought she was out of my league but i was going to go after her and i made it known to my now wife. she ended up dumping him once and for all the following weekend and we hung out for about 3 weeks until we became "official" but then my best friend secretly had a crush on my wife despite telling me constantly that she isnt his type. his dumbass came out to her that he liked her on the phone one night and she told him she liked me. him and i were not friends for much longer because he didnt want to share me as he was a 27 yr old dude whose entire social life was going to high school games and checking out girls at the mall. he never had a gf other than long distance online girls. he was pretty much the last friend i had from hs as others went into the military and elsewhere and another became a weird satanist druggie. i have had some friends at places i have worked but usually once one of us goes i never see them again or perhaps see a post on facebook once in a great while.

basically i looked at the message of her looking for a new job on my screen because we are in the same group on facebook but i disguise my name because i have had issues with stalkers in the past. i think so many reasons why me and k would never work out. i am married, she is 17 years younger than me, i still love my wife, she probably looks even younger than 23 too an we would ridicilous together. thing is until i met k i never would consider even entertaining the thought of being with someone so much different in age. this girl has been dealt a tough hand in life and frankly she is dodging a bullet with me. i have not shared any of this with anyone and it is eating me up. unless she comes in tomorrow on her day off the soonest i will see her will be sunday.

k is literally the cutest thing i have ever seen. she is the girl you want to wake up to everyday. she is the girl you fall for. she is the girl you tell her how pretty she everyday and double on her "bad" days. she is the girl you rub her back, her neck, her feet after a day of work. she is the girl who doesn't even know how amazing she is. i am just grateful i had a few months to get to know her. i feel like i am the guy in the romantic comedy but this ending sucks.

 

this girl. she was looking extra cute yesterday for the short time i saw her. she is having a hard time with her stepdad being a dick towards her. she has been trying to move out on her own. i worry about her with her health issues all on her own. if things were different i would totally offer to get an apartment with her but it is not that easy. she moved out awhile back and her then bf physically, verbally and sexually assaulted her and she had to move back home then she had her accident at work with her back. i just want to help her to any degree that i can. we were both off today but we are together 3 of the next 4 days starting tomorrow but then she is off a week after saturday for vacation next week. that means i wont see her for over a week. hoping she comes in to see me but she wont know my schedule. i can not wait until 830 tomorrow morning when i go in to see her tomorrow. everything else is window dressing for me.