My mate's been getting worse. She's covered with suppurating lesions and pustules (and now a couple of biopsy incisions). Some of them form very distinct lines, like having been branded with a hot wire, or a Man 'O War tendril. She says it feels like her skin and bones are on fire. Her doctors say they've never seen anything like it. She's in a great deal of physical suffering, which she's repeatedly warned is making her extremely irritable. She's also gotten more delusional to the point of psychosis, which devolves into enraged screaming hissy fits when I won't participate in her delusions. When she's having one of her 'Linda Blair' moments, she can be quite vociferously uncomplimentary. After weathering several such episodes last week, I was driving her to see her sister in Tennessee down a very twisty two-lane blacktop through the Smokey Mountains. Coming 'round a turn, traffic suddenly stopped and we were nearly hit by the "WIDE LOAD" lead car; the driver waving their arms and screaming unintelligibly, followed by 2 trucks hauling two halves of a double-wide mobile home over 50' long; taking up the entire road and then some. The car in front was backing up towards me, the truck behind me was trying to get off the road, a woman across the road was waving her arms and yelling, the driver of the lead car was screaming at everyone, our dog was barking frantically, and my mate was screaming in my right ear. Something snapped, and I just fucking lost it. For the first time in our marriage, I screamed at her to JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! It didn't work. The next day, my very best effort was to crawl back in bed in a quiet darkened room. She followed me, climbed in bed, and proceeded to try and cheer me up by doom-scrolling the news on her phone, reading verbatim every story she could find about climatic apocalypse, mass extinction, societal collapse and our inexorable slide into Fascism. Then she proceeded to gaslight the living shit out of me; she understands and forgives my incipient dementia, bovine lack of curiosity and sub-par intellect, but if I would only trust her keen intuition, penetrating insights, and secret knowledge, everything will be fine. I think I broke something. Something really quite important is no longer functioning. My usual coping strategies aren't even remotely coping. I can't meditate, I can't read, I can't properly sleep, I can barely get organized and motivated enough to make tea. If it wasn't for feeding her, I probably wouldn't bother. I don't think that I'm fit company to be around people; I can barely speak. I feel like I'm on the verge of panic, but paralyzed; I'd scream, but I haven't the breath left in me. I posted on an on-line support group for carers; my post was deleted for "violating the tone and tenor" of their site. I see our GP on Friday to get started on antidepressants, which seems like an awfully long way away under the circumstances.
I wish you luck Sir, maybe have a nice beverage and take a slow walk in the woods, being out in nature has a way of easing tension.
It's been pouring a monsoon, and the trails are mud wallows. I've thought of Scotch...it hasn't helped so far, but perhaps the dosage has been sub-therapeutic. I think she has some anti-anxiety meds she refused to take; if she won't take them, perhaps I will.
Sorry things are so tough for you and your partner. These are strange times, covid, deranged Trumpites, and fires and more fires. Driving is big time scary since we no longer have any traffic control in our area. Cautious use of medication has been a help for me…..as prescribed by my MD.
You are bearing a load, brother. There HAS to be some place or some thing or some person that will grant you some solace--some peace, even if temporary. Some thing to help you regain your balance. I truly hope that however much out of the ordinary that will seem --whatever it is---you will find relief.
