To start this off, I am 25 years old, have been married to my husband for 6 years, and we have a beautiful 2-year-old. I have always been aware of my attraction to women(my first crush and “sexual” experience was with my next door neighbor and best friend when her and I were both 11). My family, mainly my stepdads, always made it very clear to me that they would rather throw me away than see me with a woman. So because of this, I went my through my life dating boys and then men more than women to please my family. When I was 19, I met my husband. I was coming out of a terrible relationship with a severely unstable and abusive guy and my husband was my “knight in shining armor”, plus my family actually liked him. He was the first man in my life to show me love and treat me like an actual human being. After only 6 months, when he asked me to marry him, I jumped in head first. We have had our up and downs and been through the works. Throughout it all we have managed to stay afloat. Our entire relationship and my whole life I always pictured myself with a woman, loving and living and growing with a woman by my side. This was a massive hole in me for a while and my husband decided after our daughter turned one that it was best to open our marriage and allow me to be with women. While exploring myself and my sexuality I have gone from feeling I was bisexual my whole life to knowing for a fact that I am gay. I still very much love my husband and I know I always will. But being married to him just doesn’t feel right anymore. I just don’t feel the same type of love I once thought I did and having sex with him is hard and it kills me to say it. I feel terrible about it, we have our daughter and a whole life together. We just signed a 3 year lease last October. To add to this tearing in my head and heart, this last year I fell in love with the woman of my dreams. She is amazing and incredible and I’ve never felt this strongly for anyone who isn’t my daughter. In the beginning of my relationship with her, she was okay with me being married, now with us talking about getting serious and her wanting a family with me someday, her feelings about it are not the same. She has gotten distant and blown me off and now after 2 months of being nonexistent, she has left me for all those reasons above. Now it’s not just because of my relationship with my girlfriend coming to and end but I was consistently finding this to be something most women are understandingly not okay with before her as well. I’m struggling with wanting to follow my dreams. I’m torn about what I should do. I feel as if I were to do what makes me happy I would destroy my family, the life I’ve built and my daughter’s world. On top of breaking my husband’s heart, who I do love, he is my best friend. On the other hand, I have a burning passion to embrace myself as a gay woman and live my life the way I feel will make me truly happy. I guess I just want advice or to know someone has felt this and gone through it, and what was your outcome? Do you feel you made the right choice in your similar situation? Do I follow my chance at finding true love? I’m just so lost, it hurts. Am I just being ridiculous?
Ok. I see what you're talking about. I'm straight, single, and about to turn forty. Have you ever tried to talk to another girl within the context of being gay?
I have, I have been with women before and just got out of a very serious relationship with a woman. My husband and I have an open marriage.
Two things, to begin with...no, I don't think you're being ridiculous. And...I'm not able to speak from any experience in this sort of situation, as I'm a straight guy. But, I can give you my take on things. You've obviously spoken about this with your husband, since you say that you have an open marriage, and he is aware of your attraction to women. But, I wonder...have you explained it to him in the manner in which you've presented it to us? I mean...you make it sound as though you and your husband still have sex, but it sounds as though you practically hate it. Is he aware of *that*? Does he believe that you're bi, or gay? I think you need to sit down with him, and have a very frank, honest discussion about your feelings, and discuss possible options. Perhaps a sort of "blended" family...in which you and he are no longer married...but you cohabitate, to raise your daughter together. You could have your mate, and he could have his. That's just one idea, there are many others, I'm sure.
You have to do what is right for you. I'm shit at hurting people so I know how hard it is.. But if he loves you, and is your best friend, and also parent to your child, there is no need for your relationship to end. Just the romantic part of it. It will be hard, and it will hurt him, but going through pain is part of life. He can handle it. The alternative is you living a life of pain. Really not a good option. And won't that pain and resentment risk hurting your family in the future anyway? I think you know you have to end your marriage, but you are hoping for some magical third option where everyone gets what they want. You have to live as who you truthfully are and do what makes you happy.
There is a sub Reddit called Late Blooming Lesbians that my married lesbian friend swears by so I checked it out to see why she was raving about it . You will like it a lot because every post on there dealt with the same issues you are facing .
We were friends with another couple years ago. We shared family events and discussions with the occasional dutch dinner date. We had stopped making babies and they had their second shortly before we met. They were not in an open marriage at the time and neither were we. Our relationship with them changed when the wife came to him and let him know she had strong feelings for another woman who she met. Come to find out the two women had a relationship for a couple of years even as she was pregnant with the second child. He discovered the affair strangely because of the second child. The relationship grew to the point where our friends were forced to make a choice. They had drifted apart by still cared deeply for each other. They decided to separate, he kept the children, and she married her girlfriend. Here's the unusual part. The newly married women fell on hard times but remained true to each other. The former husband opened up his home to them. They blended into a family unit with all three raising the children. We found out years later he had met a woman and remarried. To solve any issues the four of them purchased a duplex together with an adjoining basement area but separate living areas for privacy. They still cohabitate even as the children are all grown and have left the nest. They all remain close last we knew. The reason for this long story is to show there can be resolutions to dilemmas. It may be a little late for advice since the OP hasn't been seen all week but here it is anyway. One glaring statement made was that the husband decided it was time to open up their marriage. I do not believe it was for her sake but for himself. A self preservation move if you will. He sees the end coming and releasing her from the bounds of marriage is a way for him to dissolve the relationship while maintaining a mother for his child. It's not that he doesn't care for her still as I believe he does. But now she can go find her woman and he can have his fun as well. What I suggest she do is get him into a very frank and to the point discussion on where they are in the relationship. As our friends ended up it may be a situation where the OP can have both, her husband and another woman, in her life. She will have to divorce him but it would be best for the child and all involved to do this calmly. She should also try to reconnect with her former love. Apologies can go a long way towards re-connection. Understandably she does not want the OP to continue with the marriage. If the OP has in this woman the love of her life what is the issue with her and staying in the marriage. Make it easy and approach the husband, amicably divorce, and reconnect with her lover. Hopefully the lover will be open to a relationship with the OP again. If not there are plenty of fish as they say.
