It has been ongoing issue: hearing critical voices, terrible friendships, juniority in the family, and bullies or controlling people i.e. boyfriends. The main problem is the voices. The only way this will be resolved is to learn to fight back. My bff said if he was me with my mellow demeanor, he wouldn't be able to sleep at night. He never loses a fight, never. I remember on Easter, I wish a neighbor Happy Easter. Then I got on the shuttle and was talking to my bff about Christianity, about how I don't see the point of it. The neighbor and I got off the shuttle and went in. Then the neighbor goes, "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation where you said you don't see the point of Christianity, yet you wished me Happy Easter. First of all, you shouldn't go around wishing people Happy Easter because they could be atheist or Buddhist or something. And second of all, I think that makes you a hypocrite." I said "oh right, sorry." My bff, who overheard the whole thing on the other end said, "you just let that woman walk all over you. You should have said, 'first of all, you shouldn't have been listening in on my conversation and secondly, I can say whatever I want to.'" I remember another incident a couple months back. I was at the grocery store and saw a shopping cart, so I pushed it back to its proper place. A woman came out of nowhere and said "you tried to steal my purse!" I was shocked. She said "you see it right there." I looked and lo and behold, there was a purse in the basket part of the cart. She said "you tried to steal my purse." I said "no I didn't." She said "oh sure. You HAD to have known. You HAD to have known it was there." She said "I am a psychologist." I said "you're not psychic." I walked off. She said, while I was walking away, "you my dear, are LYING." Recently I went to a courthouse with metal detectors with my FWB. I put my cell phone in the bowl and went through, expecting the security guard to put the bowl on the conveyor belt. My FWB waited for them to do that. The security said "what?" The FWB said "well that's her cell phone. I can't just leave it here." The security guard said "I can see why you two are here." I said "I went to Duke University!" He waved me away. I looked at him until he made eye contact and waved him away. Last night, I was putting my grandmother to bed. I poured her water for the next day and covered it up. She said, "oh but you don't see how hot it is in here??" I said, "what's the difference between it being in the water bottle and it being in the glass covered up? It's the same hot room." She said "okay, go ahead. Tomorrow, I will have you waste it and get fresh water." I said, "fine, I'll just waste it now" and poured it out. Two nights ago, my mom had been using the laptop (which we both purchased) all day long. I asked to use it to do some work. She said "I'm using it." (She uses it to do some get rich quick scheme). I said "what do you mean you're still using it?" She said "oh be quiet!" I gave her the silent treatment for about 45 min to 1 hr. It's just over and over, me getting stepped on.
1. If you get aggressive, it will just turn into a shouting match: well if I win the shouting match, then I'll feel that much better. 2. If you get aggressive, it will just escalate: well then let it escalate and let me come out the victor. Why should I always be the "bigger person" while the other person gets to run circles around me? 3. If could get violent: you can't put your hands on people and I never will. If the other person does, it's on them. I won't even hit them back, I could scream at them and call the police. Please help!
It's not a temper you need, its the ability to take every occasion as individual! I think you sound OK tbh. If you blow at every occasion, what will that make you? I also think your bff needs to stop trying to make you like them.. The lady on the bus, was just probably having a bad day, we will never know. Perhaps it was the fact she is just saying her bit..you could have answered her different, if you just gave your self ten seconds to think? Like, oh but it's still a nice family holiday. Or a smart one, like, OK, I will put the kettle on, you can explain it to me! Sounds like the woman and the cart, forgot her purse, found it, and was just hysterical! People like her need ignoring! But you sound OK..be who YOU are..
I don't think I've posted in thisn part of the site before. But the feed thing piqued my interest. Sounds like you were bullied growing up and find that acquiescing means you can avoid confrontation. Which means you have a phobia of standing your ground against oppressors and dickheads.My My view is that its not nec losing your temper that will resolve these situations. Sometimes PRETENDINg to, will do the trick - with idiots who only respond to that. One way is to prepare some one liners, some put downs that will make the other person feel an idiot. You could also "mirror" the other party and embarrass them. In your first example you could have said "Oh I didn't know that if you're not a Christian you now have to go to work in the Easter holiday" then just look at her.Alternatively you could have just looked at them with disdain and laughed and said "oh turn it down will you. Forgetten to cancel your subcription to Politically Correct Nutjobs Weekly?"Or something like "I think you need to keep taking your meds" then rub your index finger at your temple while raising your eyebrows. Ofcourse, you could have just raised your voice and said "I'll wish whatever I want, cos its none of your business is it?" Confident body language, owning the space around you, standing straight is vital. And also, looking someone deep in the eyes when you say a response/putdown. Don't let them hog theverbal exchange. Some people will treat your silence as submission. Why are you sharing a laptop with your mother? Sounds like a recipe for aggravation? Have you thought about taking up say a martial art (there Are plenty of non violent ones). It might boost your xconfidence. Likewise, I wonder if you might need a clear out of friends who feed off your lack of confidence.
I think there is a big difference between losing your temper and learning to say things like "no its my turn now".
I can pull up an embarrassing memory from any point in my life and within a second, derail whatever charade of self confidence I portray in front of others (although, no one would know). I spend an unhealthy amount of time pacing back and forth developing arguments toward situations that will probably never actually occur, but when they do, I'm prepared and usually end up losing the person that I'm arguing with as a friend (family members included, unfortunately). Since you went to Duke (which I'm jealous of), I'm assuming you did quite well in high school. If so, I can't relate, as I fucked everything up beyond belief and had to spend two years (absolutely non stop) teaching myself math and physics so I could get accepted to university (I owe nearly everything to MIT opencourseware). I know I've only talked about myself up until this point (no surprise), but it's all leading up to the following shot in the dark where I'll try to make a comparison: To me, it sounds like you've done everything the "proper" way (at least in the span of time between high school/university). I was always jealous of the people that were able to function the "proper" way (people with jingling key chains and university sweaters are my two biggest pet-peeves...). Because you've always done everything the proper way (not being overly confrontational, instead being polite), I'm guessing it hurts to see others do things that you yourself have deemed as "bad" (or simply, lowly behaviour). Unfortunately, there are people out there (like the psychologist that accused you of attempting to steal her purse) that are able to both amass those credentials and still be a useless human being. (actually, a useful psychologist is probably an oxy moron... I kid...). It's no fun realizing that there are mean spirited people that seemingly only wake up in order to ruin the days of other people. There are many things you could do to look at this differently, but because I don't have an English degree like you (and my stunted linguistic perspicacity places limits on what words roll off of my fingers), I'll have to resort to mentioning only two of them, otherwise I won't be able to use the word "either" and will have to find some other way to structure the following paragraph... You can either do what you've been doing (which is backing away from certain situations...while on the flip side, pushing too hard on other situations), or you can figure out something totally new that works for you. There is no "secret" that will immediately work. That would be like suggesting you pray. (I also back away or push too hard, depending on the scenario). Whenever I hear something that I don't agree with, I unfortunately chime in (unless I'm at school, which I then stay silent, because campuses are the most sterile places on Earth, where one may not dare speak their mind... I've worked too hard to blow it all arguing). You don't want to do what I do. It's both sick and time consuming. People will also begin to dislike you (and not in the normal, "oh, they're annoying" kind of way). Be thankful you can get away with doing things (in what I called) the "proper" way. Use that to your advantage; hide out confidently in the midst of all of the people that are blessed with the ability to not have to force themselves to socialize or speak up. (I guess I have no advice, since I can't escape similar habits... But at least you now know it could be worse)
Dude, I understand your dilemma. I know what it's like to feel the need to stand up for yourself. Unfortunately, the only advice I can give, is to try to be more assertive. It will take time and work to change the way you react to things, but you will get there. A good place to start is not letting it go when you need something. Obviously, it's not necessary to react assertively in all these situations. But when, like, asking for your cell phone, or the computer, just keep saying you need it. Because, yeah, you do. With situations like the one with the laptop, I suggest you suggest a time for her to get off or something like that. Insist on negotiating, because that's your laptop as much as it is her's, and when you need it, you should be able to use it. Remember that you are not in the wrong for being a little assertive, so long as you aren't picking fights. Good luck, I know the feeling of getting walked all over is not a good one.
