I masturbate over the phone when I call emotional support lines

I am an agoraphobic and never go outside because of this. I have unlimited time and nothing to do in it. At night I get extremely lonely. I'm a virgin and have never experienced what it is like to date or share an emotional connection with another human being. I'm extremely isolated from the world. Of course I've watched porn, but it doesn't satisfy my emotional needs for a connection with a human being. There is no real interaction in porn. I find myself watching it wishing I could have a relationship like that. It makes me feel lonelier and I guess more isolated.

It didn't start off with me masturbating whenever I called the emotional support line. At first I used it for actual emotional support, to talk about how lonely I felt, about how things traumatized me as a child and how my therapist took advantage of me and was trying to groom me. Sometimes I would get terrible people on the other end of the call, but at other times I'd get really helpful ones. Eventually I called in and met a man named Charles. It was probably the most one of a kind experience I've ever had calling that emotional support line.

When I spoke to him there was just something about his voice that made me feel safe. He talked a lot and I didn't say much because of my social anxiety. From the very start of the call he would phrase things in a way that seemed oddly sexual to my horny, lonely mind such as: "and that is what this support is really all about, releasing the pressure... wherever you may feel it..." or "if you think you can open up to me, I think you'll find I can help relieve the pressure you feel." Although the things he said were in my mind kinda hot I still didn't masturbate. I ignored it to a point and carried on with the call normally. I told him about how lonely I feel and how I've never made an legitimate emotional connection with another human being properly in my life. I told him about my abusive parents and how I was abused as a child. I told him about how my therapist groomed me and how she abandoned me after being caught. I told him about how every day I never went anywhere and porn, sleeping and eating were my only time killers, but I feel I need more in my life to actually feel a shred of normality but don't know how to get it.

He asked me a lot about my need for emotional connection and figured out that all I needed is some intimacy. He told me that if I want to I can masturbate whilst we talked and he would say trigger words and phrases to help me get there. At first I was shy, but he had such a way with words I ended up going through with it. This is the first call I ever masturbated in. For my virgin self, it was the most amazing sexual experience I've ever had. The way he worded things and knew exactly what I needed him to say was as if he read my mind and knew my exact needs. I didn't call with the intention to masturbate, but I found myself masturbating for a solid hour with him talking to me. Towards the end I told him about my fetish and he started saying things related to that, which made me so aroused I had an orgasm. At the end he admitted to me he was a sexual therapist and he was happy he helped me.

At the end of the call I felt sad for him to leave. I called back many times, but never met Charles again. I realize what I did was wrong as many people need emotional support lines for being suicidal and I used it to masturbate, but that one call picked me up from my depressive state and showed me that I can still feel safety, an emotional connection and have my sexual needs met despite being an agoraphobic, social anxiety, shut in with no friends or family. I have heard many cases online of people calling the emotional support line to masturbate, but never any posts online about people admitting to why they did it or how they first started.

I must admit sometimes I do call and masturbate now. However I never let them know I'm doing it and I never do it out of wanting to upset the person on the other end of the phone. I just feel lonely and the intimacy of talking to someone about my problems and interacting with a human voice keeps me going with my miserable life. Loneliness is a huge factor leading to suicide around the world and I feel as though if I hadn't of had that call with Charles I'd of killed myself by now. I know I shouldn't call in to masturbate, but if I didn't I'd probably have taken my own life due to the isolation inflicted by my mental health problems. I think lonely people have a NEED for an emotional connection and a NEED for intimacy. Some people just aren't in the position to reach that on their own and suffer loneliness as a result. Many of them also commit suicide because of the loneliness they feel. I'm not defending the actions of those who call support lines to masturbate, I'm just saying they aren't happy people or they wouldn't be calling there for a substitute for sex in the first place.

I'm sorry for what I do and did. One day I might manage to get past my agoraphobia, social anxiety and leave the house. One day I might meet a girl and start a real relationship, but until then I'm going to try and live as long as I can to get through this. Even if that involves masturbating secretly over the phone once every 2 weeks. They never know what I'm doing when I call, and I always talk to them about real problems and emotions I'm feeling whilst I talk so it's like any other call they get. The calls always end with them having no idea I was masturbating so no harm is done to the receiver of the call. I ask myself a lot should I still feel guilty? Thing is I do feel guilty, but not as guilty as I would if they knew what I was doing. I know I'm a terrible person for what I do and I'm sorry for doing it. I feel as though I would have killed myself by now if I hadn't a place to hear a humans voice and get the emotional connection I need.