Hey lovely hippies...... can I call you that? :daisy: I'm in a predicament which has been ongoing, mostly fueled by my prozac induced denial, for many years now. The reason I am here is because I have done the talking to friends, talking to family, talking to counsellors........ I need a different kind of sounding board! I hope you don't mind and apologies in advance if this topic is old or tiresome, or very , very long. I'm married to a lovely bloke. I say lovely, I don't mean just "nice", he's big, strong, handsome, confident. i wrote an essay for creative writing in college (nearly 20 years ago) and we had to describe our perfect partner, I would say that my essay pretty much summed him up. Not least he is trust worthy and fairly predictable. He is exceptionally kind to animals and very good to his mum. So what's the problem then? I have absolutely no sexual chemistry with him - whatsoever. I am confused about this for so many reasons. Mostly because physically he is very good looking and emotionally I feel safe with him. The problem is that he is 4 years younger and he is just so niaive, nay a bit ignorant a lot of the time. He incites resentment in me a lot of the time because he is so blindly optimistic and over confident about things in life but the bit that really frustrates me is that he doesn't have the logic, creative thinking or emotional intelligence to back up any of this confidence. He was a grafter when we married, but slowly over time he's jumped from one job to the next and now he's on a career path that I have to make a very conscious effort to be supportive of. I hate everything about it. But these recent resentments are not the cause of the lack of lust. This came about much sooner. It's possibly because he is younger, possibly because of his lack of EQ. When we got together I was partying a lot and most of the time we spent together was either drunk or stoned, on a comedown sleeping on his lap or whatever. I've cleaned up a lot since and matured a lot too, but he still seems to be struggling to find his way in life. I had accepted that my weight gain was probably the reason I was off sex. Bare in mind I was REALLY in to sex before (and shortly after) we got together. My ex (well ex-ex) was much older, more experienced, and particuarly kinky but I had a high sex drive anyway. My husband on the other hand was more lace than leather, I don't think he'd had a girlfriend for longer than 3 months and he moved from his mother's house straight into my house. We had some exciting nights in the early days but they often ended in him overheating, or feeling a bit too drunk or generally not being able to stay awake any longer. My enthusiasm dwindled. I am not a dominator. I am an enthusiastic participant don't get me wrong, but I am definitley more a sub. When I'm excited I lose balance, rhythm the ability the function pretty much so I love it when I'm with someone sexually wise and dominant because I can really let go. But my sex drive has not gone. I've learned that only recently now I've come off the anti depressants. Since coming off them I've realised that I get turned on looking through a sex toy website, like, REALLY turned on so I ache between my legs. I've not felt that horny since way before we got together so I know it's still there. But if he even goes to kiss me I cringe. I've tried to stir things up in the past, I'm not going to just jump on him and take the reigns because that's not my sexual style. I know he wouldn't class himself as a sub too. I try to subtly build the tension with flirty texts or (classy) innuendos. It's just always fallen on deaf ears because he's just not a "thinker" like I am. Words don't do it for him. Images and visual probably does, I get that's a man thing but I am not really able to participate in being visually stimulating because of the weight i've gained. I feel very unsexy about myself and can only get going if my looks are taking a bit of a back seat. It's sad I know, I used to be pretty hot. I hope to hell that there is a way to make this work but I am starting to feel so much resentment towards him now that I realise how much of myself I have had to surpress all this time. It's not that I think i could do better than him because he's a really lovely, fit and honourable bloke. I've gained so much weight in my years of unhappiness that I wouldn't even consider getting back into the dating scene for a long, long time if we broke up. I am actually having moments where I feel that at least if I was single then I could enjoy myself and be happy. But who wants to die alone right? I have done the obvious things such as booked a hotel and laid out all the candles, bought a sexy board game and so on. It was the best night ever (although fairly boozey and relatively tame) but that stuff just doesn't happen at home. Mostly because of my teenage son in the next bedroom who I must admit isn't a huge help to our sex life but he's my son so that's not a factor I can control.. Anyway thanks for reading this far anyway, I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts. Whatever they are. Lay them on me!
Anti-depressants can totally ruin your sex drive, it's one of the common side-effects. Sounds like you need to have a long talk to your spouse about all of this. Good luck.
Well what is the fella interested in sexually? As I read more and more these days I find that one partner has a certain kink that isn't being played in the bedroom and it has a huge effect on the sex life. My advice is always the same. Communication. I'd sit him down and tell him straight down the line your problems. Get it out in the open. At the end of the he'll know for sure he got a wife that wants more sex, and I can't see how any hubby wouldn't like that? So discuss his kinks and your kinks tell him how excited you get from browsing sex toys etc. it could spark something in him? I feel it's better to get in the open than to bottle it away until you both start hating on one another.
Life goes through cycles and it can throw a curve ball. I think you really need to talk to each other and find common ground in all of this. It will be a difficult conversation but one that obviously needs to happen. If you do want to make it work it might be worth considering speaking with a professional as a couple. Good luck with it all and I hope you both find happiness through this process.
