Hello all... I've been with my first girlfriend for 10 months now. I love her so, so much and I deeply care about her. Before college I felt very repressed by parents (pretty much zero independence...didn't even have the right to manage my own time if I wanted to sit up late and read a book), had few friends, no mobility, etc. I was really looking forward to college to have a sense of freedom and independence, to experiment with my life, stretch my mind, etc. I got together with my girlfriend the first week of freshman year, and fell in love with her right away. We've spent almost all of our time together, and soon we started staying the night with each other nearly every night. We've talked about how we have every intention of staying together forever, and we're really devoted. We generally get along very well, and there aren't any relationship troubles. But recently, I've felt so lonely and detached from the rest of the world, like it's just the two of us in a little bubble. I thought about how I want a chance to be alone (I need solitude sometimes), but also to make more friends and to taste that independence I was wanting for my time at college before getting involved in a relationship. I feel like it's my one chance to live my life how I want to... Now she's saying that she wants to transfer to another school and part of me wants to go with her (for academic reasons too). But part of me feels like staying back is my one chance to get that freedom I need, and that if I keep doing what I'm doing, my life is going to slip away before I got to live it... But I am still so in love with her, and she loves me just as much. That hasn't changed between us (even a little bit) and thinking about losing her...not having all of the good things we talked about for our future...is so painful, because I truly want to spend my life with her... I just wish that we hadn't gotten together so soon before I got a chance to enjoy my freedom. And she suffers from depression and has been suicidal (before we met), and would be devastated if we broke up... I'm worried she would hurt herself... I'm already expecting the "break up with her" answer, but I'm desperate for some middle ground, because our relationship is amazing and I would never, ever want to lose it, and I would regret it immensely if I did. I want to save what we have together more than anything, but I also can't take the thought of never having tasted independence. I would be open to taking a break for a while... Any advice would be great. Thank you.
You cannot be there really for someone else, if you are not there for yourself first, so you have to do what feels right for you....and good luck....
You say you love her and all, and you're just starting this relationship... and you're already leading her on with lies. She only knows one side of you. Sure, one can have things that are private. But when it involves another person so directly, how fair is lying to her? I'm sure it's just me, but the greatest proof of love I can give, or receive, is the truth. I know most people don't give a shit and only care for superficial things, for what you actually say, not what you were actually thinking at the moment you said it. Who knows, if she's like you, she may be lying to you, too, and the reason she wants to move is to be alone and fuck lots of guys before actually settling with you. It's very easy for a woman, anyway. Men flock to us, not the other way around. Wanting to try things and wanting to have a chance to make mistakes AND doing it is all fine and natural. What I find sad here is the lies. Why don't you just talk to her about the way you feel? Could it be the fear she tells you fine, let's meet other people, let's try stuff before we commit any further? Or are you just afraid when she knows how you really feel, she'll decide you're not the man she wants? You're denying a person you claim to love the intel she needs to make informed decisions. If you decide to suppress your itch, never telling her about it, how long will that be till it resurfaces and makes you bitter with regrets? After the kids, when she's too busy and uninterested to have sex with you, will you forget your relationship and rapport is anyway based on lies and accuse her of having led you on? Lying about wanting freedom, pretending you can give it up and be happy about it, that's the way to validate people's absurd expectations. Lying is like wearing a disguise. Who are you, really, when you aren't wearing that costume? Does she know you? Your sabotaging yourself. There's nothing wrong with wanting more, with curiosity. Why to lie about it?
My mom used to say the worst truth was better than the smallest lie. I agree with that statement....so you need to be honest with yourself and whomever you are involved with if anything is to ever flourish or not....at least it will be honesty that gets you to whatever path is for you then....
The "itch" isn't so much sexual or wanting to try other relationships. It's about having pure, uninterrupted time for my own interests. (Ex. I want to be a writer and I work best when I get good chunks of time by myself...between classes and spending time with her, there's no time for that.) I'm just scared that if I tell her I'm not happy, she'll want me to break up with her, when that's not what I want (she tends to go to extremes). I don't want the relationship to be so restrictive, but I don't know how to make it the way I need it without causing problems and making her think that I'm unhappy with her... It's more of a problem with balance between relationship and other parts of my life that don't seem compatible right now. The imbalance right now is big, and I don't know how much the relationship will give if I try to fix it. I want to make it all fit, but I just don't know how.
Is she saying she wants you to follow her to school? Who knows, maybe she's looking for freedom too. If I were in your shoes, I'd follow because I'm romantic like that.. but ten months isn't very long at all. Maybe you've gotten too serious in just these ten months. Your feelings towards each other can probably change in an instant still. How far away would she be at college? If your relationship is strong and worth it then the two of you would be able to have a long distance relationship.. You visit as often as you can and e-mail and write, and before you know it, school will be over with and you can be together..
Who is joined at the hip? LOL Hell, not how I thrive, either.... but you need to talk to her....her alone about this....
If you're really feeling trapped though, I guess the best thing for you to do would be to stay behind and get the 'living life' out of your system then pursue a more serious relationship with her later. Although, if she really needs you and is depressed and you love her like you claim you do then you should be there for her..
I don't know how old you are, but from what you have said you have gone from living with your parents with no independence to going to college and meeting a girl, You haven't experienced being on your own and just going out with friends and having fun. I was given one piece of advice when I was 18 "you have one life, make the most of it"
If you are afraid of her threatening suicide, then you need to RUN. She is manipulative and why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that? My cousin actually made a poor attempt at suicide, thinking it would make his wife stay with him. She divorced him. (And I agree it was the right thing to do.) If someone truly wants to kill themselves, no one is going to stop them. (MY husband's cousin and brother both committed suicide several years ago. They didn't tell anyone, they just did it.)
Someone once told me that they were going to kill themself if I left them, and I said "go ahead...." They did not kill themself. It is a form of manipulation.
I'm pretty certain he didn't say she was threatening suicide. She has depression and suicidal thoughts. That's a bit different. He's worried that she might hurt herself because she'll be sad and alone..
Oh, well, then maybe she needs real help ....that would probably be the best answer.....some people are more equipped to deal with that in the professional field. Why take a victim?
God, she never has and is DEFINITELY not the type to threaten suicide or anything like that in the future. But she has suffered depression in the past and still does from time to time, and it just makes me worried for her. That's all. She's told me before that if I ever don't want to be with her, she wants me to leave because she doesn't want us to be together because of guilt. I think what I'm going to do is try to spend a bit less time together so we can both do our own thing more, and transfer a semester after her, that way I can have a bit of time just for myself.
You sound pretty sincere OP and it makes total sense where you are coming from. On the one hand you met the girl of your dreams, but on the other you know your only young once and want to live up these college years and be wild and crazy and all that stuff. The answer is YES there is and can be a middle ground. Nowhere in what you said did you mention wanting to date other woman, so it sounds like you’re just wanting more guy / freedom time and there’s nothing wrong with that. You and your GF sound tight, so you telling her could definitely muddy the pure clear waters you guys share now, but on the other hand you do have a right to do what you want to do as well. You never know she may be feeling the same way but neither of you know how to show it or bring it up. But if in the end she’s being to smothering or controlling then you need to communicate with her that you want some more buddy / freedom time and make sure you tell her it’s not to meet other woman but just to explore yourself and live it up some. In the end if she doesn’t get it or it kicks off a cascade breakdown of your relationship then that’s the chance you take. On the other hand if you don’t tell her you may wake up one day when your 40 years old regretting never doing the things you wanted to as you felt tied down… Figure this, right now you are young, she is only your GF, you have no kids, not major career or job stress. Seriously this is the easiest time you are going to have in your life and one day when you are married, have kids, have a career and a life where people are depending on you you’ll then realize what being “tied down” really means. You should be honest with her and true to yourself. If you have as good of a relationship with her as you say then she should understand that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Good luck
shit, just tell her you need a night to yourself each week. if she can't understand that, you probably don't really want to stay with her anyway.
Thanks a lot people! I'm going to try to spend more time doing my own thing next semester and hope that helps. Not sure about the transfer thing yet...
