I know it was wrong (long story)

Hello, New guy here. I have something that has been eating at my brain for a few years now. I stated doing some internet searching and this seemed to be where I landed. I'll try to give up as much info as possible so I can get some truthful advice.

I'm a 39 year old man that has been married for 19 years. I have 2 kids with my wife. Also, my wife is the only one I have ever had intercourse with. I come from a broken home. My wife didn't. My parents divorced when I was 5, got back together when I was 13 but they never married. Both of my parents liked to drink and one was an avid pot smoker. I seen both of them with multiple partners while they were separated. Lots of verbal and physical fights fights were also witnessed by me during my youth. We were usually in financial poverty growing up.

So, after growing up the way I did, I somehow stayed away from drinking (for the most part) and drugs throughout my life. Yes, I have tried pot and yes, I have been plastered drunk a handful of times in my life. I never let it turn into an addiction. I always told myself that I wouldn't fall into their ways. I was to stay married, sober, and drug free....and I still am.

Now lets fast forward a little bit. In 2006 I jumped at a job opportunity that took me on a wild journey. I got to travel alot around my state and into other surrounding states. I made 4 times as much money. Life was good! New truck, new motorcycle, LOTS of toys that I could never afford previously. I guess you can say I was on top of the world.

Shortly into 2007 my mother became sick with terminal cancer. It really rocked my world since I never had to experience anything like before in my life. I knew what was coming but I didn't know when. This really took a toll on me mentally. I guess I didn't know how to deal with it. I guess most people wouldn't either. In early 2009 my mother passed away at 55. I started to look at life different. I looked at it like I could be next. Maybe I should take some chances now regardless of what anyone thinks. This is where my bad side comes out.

In the fall of 2009 I met a female online that lived very close by. She was also married with kids. A stay at home mom with a lot of free time. Myself being somewhat depressed , I also started getting free time since I wasn't working as many hours. Needless to say, I met with this woman. There was an instant attraction. After a few days of talking on the phone and on the computer, we decided to meet after dark (after our spouses went to bed for the night). We talked, laughed, told stories, and ended up kissing before we left each other for the night. It felt so right.... even though I knew it wasn't.

This led to a few other late night meetings and eventually turned into me stopping by her house 3 times a week while her husband was at work. We understood each other. We could laugh at each other without offending one another. We listened to each others stories. We liked each other a lot. We did everything shy of intercourse yet we connected in other ways. She told me to fuck her on a few occasions. I just couldn't do it knowing I was a married man. Again, this made me feel great after the loss of my creator. Better than what my wife was able to.

We developed a bond per say. At one point, she told me that she thought she loved me. That really freaked me out. I wasn't ready for anything like that. So I slowed myself down in this "cheating" relationship.

Well something happened where I got into a bit of legal trouble (unrelated to her) and the police report had her address listed in it since I was questioned on her property. Shortly after, I got arrested (first and hopefully the last time). After getting out of jail I figured I better make everything clear to my wife. I really didn't need an episode of Jerry Springer type madness in the courtroom. This obviously did not sit well with my wife. Granted, she had her times in our marriage where she had her "fun". It bothered me when she did it but I seen past it and let it go. One of her (my wifes) occasions was with one of my best friends. I almost never brought it up nor did I tell anyone. My wife told EVERYONE she knew about my situation though. Anyway, I didn't talk to my "friend" much more after all this. The bad thing is, as stated early in this story, she loves close by. We sometimes run into each other at the store and it makes for some BAD days on my behalf. I have to hear about it every time we cross paths. I still think about this woman a lot. I don't know if thats a good thing or bad thing.

I also think about other women a lot. Again, I have never had intercourse with another woman other than my wife. Honestly something scares me about doing it with another female while being married. Will I like it too much if I do? Will I not want to have sex with my wife anymore if I do?

My wife and I are still married. Is it a happy marriage? I don't know. What do I have to compare it to? Some days are perfectly fine. Some days I think I should just walk away but then I think to myself that I'm more of a man than that. The sex life is very mundane between us. Very predictable. I guess it's safe to say the flame is that of a dying candle. What do you do to spice things up after nearly 20 years? Should I go out and "live" while I'm still able to? I'm a little more adventurous and willing to try new things. She isn't at all. I have brought up the idea of both of us being with another man (not gay) and/or woman. I think the thought excites her but I know she would never go through with it.


So thats my story. I'd love to hear some serious replies and suggestions. I really don't need any bashing replies.

 

Thanks for sharing, but not sure what's your question. From what you described, I think you both want to keep the marriage going. It's not unusual for marriages to go thru difficult periods, but as long as both parties still respect each other and are willing to invest some efforts to rejuvenate the relationship, they can make the marriage more exciting. The key is both should try to go out your way to please each other and do something special for each other to show you care. If either/both party is unwilling, then I think seeing a counselor may be helpful.

 

It sounds like there are multiple things going on here that are semi-related given that there's been a domino effect into multiple aspects of your life.

It seems that your foundation, in terms of how you identify yourself (your beliefs, therefore your actions, and then the attempt to control your emotions with rationality, and if you can't it leads to unhappy thoughts about yourself which leads to guilt and then self-shame which you describe as depression. This has become a cycle you need to break and it is going to do some soul searching.


But the first step is to know your bloodline and genes don't pre-determine your fate. It seems you do understand the power of your choices and how they can lead you down a different path than that of your parents, but I fear you tend to gravitate to absolutist thinking, aka: tunnel vision when it comes to topics which are easily split into dichotomies. (False dichotomies/choices).


It also seems that what feeds your tendency to do this black /white way of seeing the world is a fear that you will lose control of yourself which seems something you very much want even your actions here by posting this thread imply this is what you are seeking.

The first step is to relax, go enjoy a movie, music, something to ease your anxiety about planning your future and your worry about life and death, and the things you can control versus the things you can't.

Don't ignore the future, but be pragmatic about it, not idealistic. Being an introverted idealistic person tends to make one feel bad about themselves if they fail at meeting their own ideal standard.

Your parents made their own path, you make your own.

I do suggest getting professional help, ask for your wife's support in seeking a good therapist to help deal with some of these issues. I do think you can benefit from various talk therapies, and in your case pills and substances aren't the answer.

It also sounds like you might need to work on communication skills with your wife and with yourself about what you want out of life other than to not lead the financially bankrupt road your childhood was.

I also am interested to know how you spent money once you obtained it. How did you feel when you bought a item like a car or something your young life was denied?

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I could go on but I think I've given you enough of a response for now.

 

Another somewhat separate issue but related and this compounding your initial problem about finding your self-identity is:


Your sex life.

What specific sex acts do you want in your relationship that aren't happening either because you don't want to do it to your wife or because she doesn't want too.

Why is that? Does it imply emotional communication issues preceding this other neighborhood woman?

Was this other women attractive emotionally to you because you could talk to her in a way you could not your wife? If so, why do you think that is, is that something you can talk to your wife about?

If it's not you need to understand that not all divorces are the same situation your parents showed you as a kid growing up. Sometimes it just doesn't work out and you need to be okay with that abstract concept.

 

Thanks for the replies. It helps me understand my problems hearing it from someone else.

I guess there is some things I left out of my story. My wife and I have filed bankrupt since this happened. The so called "dream job" I had finally went belly up. It was actually a self employed position so I could always make my own hours. I had to go out and find a normal job about a year ago. We were able to keep our house but everything else had to be given up. In all honesty, we are not real good with money. Plus, I was a 2 pack a day smoker up until the start of this year. I'm sure you can imagine how that effects a lower income family.

I also improved myself in a few ways since all this. I went and obtained my GED in 2012. And about the legal deal, I paid off everything within 1 year of it happening. The bad part on that is a record that haunts me and keeps me from certain jobs. Live and learn! And again, quitting cigarettes was a big one.

You asked how I felt when I bought an item that was denied as a youth. It depends. A car, it was nice but it I didn't feel like I gained anything....knowing I STILL had to make payments! I honestly could care less about what I'm driving. I'm happy with reliability. Impressing someone else with my vehicle isn't something i'm really about.

 

As far as sex acts, I'm pretty much open to trying anything. I'm open to giving anything a try. If I dont enjoy it, then I can say I tried. I don't think anything my wife and I do impacts the other woman sexually speaking. I hate to admit this on here but my wife is very old fashioned in the sex department. The only enjoyable sex for her is vaginally.

Yes, I do believe the the other woman was emotionally attracted to me because of the way I talked. I mentioned I met her online. I was not looking for a hookup when we met. I was actually in a chatroom on yahoo being a complete ass, cracking jokes and pretty much making a mockery of the average chat room lifestyle. She thought it was hilarious so thats how we bonded. Yes, I'm the joking type. I like to laugh and make others laugh. I do think this other womans husband was nothing like that. I have seen him and payed attention to his actions. He seems like a serious type, one that never jokes around. He also is very well off financially with a collage education and works in one of the areas better industries.

 

No offense, but you did more than contradict your original post.

In your OP, you said you stayed away from drugs, (that should mean including alcohol AND nicotine products).

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Don't feel so much shame about $ issues, you aren't alone, and this is highly due to the fact that we aren't taught how to manage $.

 

"Should I go out and "live" while I'm still able to?"




It's probably best to put yourself in that exact situation in your head... imagine yourself not only "living your life" but leaving and ending up being with someone else (away from not only your wife but your kids).... imagine it as vividly as you can. Do you believe you'd end up being happier or miserable or in a similar situation? Therein lies your answer... I do know one thing though-just because the grass often looks greener on the other side, doesn't mean it very often is.


(It's truly best if you can vividly picture this exact situation while not being in it to try to learn what you'd learn without actually having to live with the consequences unless it ends up being what you deem best.)