I Know I Shouldn't, But...

TLR - I'm happily married, but my wife isn't in to sex anymore, but I am, but I need to get laid. What to do!?
--------------------
I'm 51. I first got laid at the age of 25 (very frustrating to have to wait so long, but when it happened, it was wonderful, almost perfect), but since that first girl I've only had sex with my lovely wife.

Our sex life has been fun (if not terribly adventurous - first girl's tastes were much closer to my own ideas of what a great sex life should be) and wonderfully productive in that we have two fabulous daughters, but my wife has lost interest in any sexual activity. We're still happily married other than that, but I am finding the lack of sex very frustrating. Overall, my whole-life sex-life has not been great.

We've not fucked each other for probably about five years, maybe six. Just the two of us went away for our 20th wedding anniversary, and bought some lube on the way to our hotel, but when the time came for what would have been our first session for a couple of years, she explained that she just wasn't interested in sex. She gave me a hand job (first I'd ever had - it was great) but since then, nothing.

So even though that hand job felt great at the time, I now feel as if she was just doing me a favour. A feeling I'd had on a couple of other occasions prior when it felt like she wasn't really taking part.

I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to. I don't want her to do me a favour occasionally ("service me", or "throw me a bone"). If she doesn't want to do it with me, then I don't want her to. She's not my 'slave'.

For me, one of the best things about sex is that the woman I'm with wants it to happen. Whatever her motivation is, whether it be love; a one-night stand; an overwhelming primeval urge and "I'll do"; lust, basically, other than doing it for money, it matters not. If the woman I'm with wants to fuck then great, I'll happily play. But NOT just because she feels she needs to out of duty, or to keep me quiet for a few days (weeks, months).

Wife says she's menopausal (why does "Mother" Nature do this to women?!!!!), and she does get awful hot flushes during the night which have disturbed her sleep patterns, but whatever the reason, she's just not in to it any more.

But here's the point. I am still interested. I've just got to get laid! And I know I shouldn't have sex with anyone else, and I feel bad even thinking about it, but I really miss the closeness and intimacy of being inside a woman, feeling like we're almost one with with each other, her arms and legs wrapped me, feeling our hot breath mingling as we kiss. I miss all of that and I want to experience it again. For all those reasons, fun with my hand is not enough!

By far and away I'd like it to happen with my wife, but if she's not interested then she's not interested, and disinterested sex is just not good for either of us.

So what am I meant to do?

Find a mistress? Seriously, no thanks. Other than the lack of sex I'm happy with my wife. I don't want another relationship. I'm not looking for love. I have love.

Find a professional? No. As I said above, that doesn't count. I don't have great moral objections to prostitution, but it's not something I'd want to take advantage of.

Find a fuckbuddy/FWB? Well, that could work in terms of satisfying my needs, yes, but A) How would I find one, and B) wife wouldn't approve so it would have to be secretive (and might then start to become like a mistress), and C) I'm married so I shouldn't anyway.

I just don't know what to do.

Please don't hate on me!

 

I'd just leave.

 

obviously you have to kill her...


just kidding bud....oh man this is a tough one...at least before you lave give her a chance to greenlight an open marriage on your part


good luck

 

OP, Is your wife on HRT (Hormone replacement therapy) of any kind? I can tell you from personal experience that menopause can play hell on a woman's sex drive. Mine was surgically induced at 35, and I went from wanting sex daily, to having to actively work on engaging in sex. It wasn't easy, and having a very understanding husband while I went through a dozen different hormone replacement options helped. I honestly still don't actively think about sex like I used to, but once we start fooling around my desire kicks back in.

I know many women are against HRT, and there are definitely pros and cons to it, but many women cannot function without it. The hot flashes, mood swings, NO libido, and more are all reasons that I sought out treatment. Maybe instead of trying to find someone else to have sex with, work with your wife to find a solution, and hopefully she will once again be the partner in bed you enjoyed for so many years.

Menopause can be miserable, trust me. Please, encourage your wife to talk to her doctor about hormone options. There are SO many different ones to try, many are more natural and easier to tolerate than what was previously available. If she is totally against it, there are many herbal options that can help alleviate the hot flashes, night sweats etc.

I am sure it is frustrating wanting sex and she doesn't. My husband has had to deal with it too. He made the choice to stick by me, and be the supportive man I married while we found a solution. It took time, but it was well worth it. We have a mutually satisfying sex life again, and are emotionally closer because he understands what I went through had nothing to do with my desire for him. It was just biology wreaking havoc.

Andropause is the male equivalent. Research it, and maybe it will help enlighten you on what your wife is going through.

Good luck.

 

Welcome to the No Sex Club! It really does stink to be so horny and not have a means of release, other than masturbation.

I'm in the same boat of frustration!

 

His Eden..fantastic post, well done!
Happened to me at 28..big shock! No internet back then either!

My Doctor was fab! Told me " there is no reason for a woman to feel menopausal these days" and he was right! First few meds didn't work! But I was happy for 5 years on patches..I was and am crap at taking pills regularly!

TMUK what a lovely husband you are.. don't cheat on her, she may never know, but you would!
Ask her does she miss the closeness and the way it used to be..tell her you miss your beautiful happy wife!..buy her little things, petrol pump flowers, yes us women love them..
If she says yes to any thing, ask her does she want your help to find a solution! Then you could be like his Eden..I bet she is unhappy too..

I loved your thread, shows there are still gentlemen out there that genuinely love their wives! Welcome!

 

So since you haven't had sex in five or six years, I am assuming that if you got laid two or three times a year that it's better than nothing. My suggestion is to tell the wife that you have to go to Vegas on business, and spend two or three days at one of the "ranches". You get satisfaction, and do it again in six months

 

I would talk to her and tell her all that you have said here. how long have you been married and have no REAL communication?
She cannot be part of the problem solving being left in the dark.....
I could not look someone straight in the eyes ever again, if I knew I was cheating on them and lieing to them.
Good luck to you if you can do it.

but you wouldn't be the first or the last.

 

Dude, that's a commute of 5235 miles...one way (I live in London, England).


Plus, I doubt the ranches are free...and I did mention about not wanting to pay cash for it!

 

His Eden, Morrow, Moonglow181, thank you for not hating on me!

Me doing anything like this behind wifey's back would hurt her a lot, so you're right, best to talk to her about it.

One thing I'd not mentioned is that she tends not to get on very well with medicines, but still, let's see how the conversation goes.

 

You are frustrated, and understandably so. I hope that you are able to talk with your wife and work something out. I have bad reactions to many medications, which is why I went through so many hormone replacement options before finding one that didn't make me crazy. It takes time and patience, but chances are high that she can find something that helps. A bonus many women find with HRT is how young and energetic it makes them feel, and look. Me, I just like not having crazy mood swings, no night sweats, and enjoying sex. It was well worth the pain in the ass of finding the right HRT.

Good luck.

 

Thanks. I just hope it can help

 

No, of course I don't hate you, and I am sorry if I came across a little harsh...I understand that man has needs...most men , anyway.....as my husband does not have any ever, so I remain a sleeping beauty, ....He wanted to be a monk and was a confirmed bachelor before he met me.... but no man has ever loved me more than he does...make sense out of that....I do.....so sometimes thepeople on this forum come a cross as hungry piranhas to me....I never heard so much sex talk in my life.....

I do wish you luck and hope you can have a happy ending with your wife...if not....well....I would not judge you, anyway...but I do know trying to live with a lie around someone is impossible for me....as it is for little things.....so i was speaking from that...Honest people just can't....

 

No, don't worry. You didn't come across as harsh at all.
x

 

Lost count of the times I heard a woman say something similar to that, only to find out 5 years later things ended with her hubby/boyfriend because she was cheating

 

It's like ..my wife doesn't understand me..which really means, I'm a tosser and she won't come near me! Haha..
The world is full of clichés! Never what you really think I guess.. it's what makes the op different!

 

That's a shame, but that is not me so far....

Seriously, i have wondered from time to time, what what I do if I met someonte I wanted to be with...and that was a scary thought.....a scenario, I don't want to face.....

 

One summer in Cape Cod, a baseball team mate of Stan's walked up to greet me with a big hello kiss smack on my lips.....and he kissed me every summer a few times on the lips in front of Stan....Stan even told him the first year at the group dinner walking into the restaurant..."My wife likes you and wants to sit near you." I said "STAN!"....but yeah, i like him.... He's a sexy , cute player...and every summer I looked forward to seeing him, too....but last summer after two days of asking me..."We all going for lobster again?" I said yes......and he was a no show....choosing to go somewhere else with another team....I was disappointed and no longer any kisses to build a dream on from me, and he won't be getting any kisses from me this year, either....that is for sure.....

 

I have told my wife that if she does not want sex with me, I will assume that I can get it elsewhere because if she loved me, she would not ask me to live without sex when I need it to be happy. My wife came up with a great plan. This is true, she asked her best friend to have sex with me. Long story short, we did and then I got my wife involved. Found out then why my wife was not too keep to have sex as much as I did. She likes sex in a FFM threesome. So we moved her girlfriend into our home, gave her a spare bedroom and she was in our life for 30 years of our 44 year marriage.

My wife did not go from being vanilla to asking her girlfriend to have sex with me. We had a few FFM threesomes in the past and did a wife swap and soft swinging. So me having sex with other women was no big deal as it would be for a monogamous couple. When we moved away from our longtime girlfriend, my wife (postmenopausal) was not that interested in having sex as much as I did so we found a fetish we both liked and that put the spark back into our sex life. We always found a way to keep our sex life going. Oxytocin is released during sex or just by cuddling afterwards. It is the hormone responsible for emotionally bonding the couple together. It is responsible for bonding a mother to her child and why sex with the same person sometimes turns into love. Without it, you lose that deep emotional bond that you would have with it. So I always found a way to keep sex alive, even if it meant sex with others. What we did was choose our marriage over monogamy. So many cling to monogamy that they rather go down with the ship then hop aboard a new ship. They choose preserving monogamy over preserving their marriage.

Due to our lifestyle most of our friends were in some sort of open relationship. Years later our girlfriend got married and split her time between us and her husband. They had an open marriage too. Our best friends were into wife swapping and FFM threesomes. We knew all the non monogamous married couples in the area and many shocked us as we would never have guessed by looking at them. Our girlfriend was a school teacher so she wore conservative clothes and had a conservative persona but at night she was my Dominatrix doing bad things to me.

I think you need to sit your wife down and have a frank talk with her. Tell her that you understand that there are differences in your libidos, but you need sex to be happy in your marriage. Suggest that without sex, despite loving her very much, you feel that you will eventually cheat out of sheer need and you do not want to deceive her like that. Suggest that she allow you to have sex, not an emotional affair, with other women once in awhile when you feel the need. If she asks questions at that point then ask her what rules she would like to feel comfortable. Then take it from there.

 

Yeah, but why did she like sex in a FFM? Was that more about the pressure being off her or she was likley to get aroused by another female?

30 years? That only means one thing - the former


Something I've always wondered about heterosexuals, if indeed a good man IS hard to find, why arent there more people in your kind of set up, especia;;y if one or both wives are the housewifey type and like it that way, then the wives can also be like sisters (outside the bedroom)

Another reason I think talking is useless, Give advice to this guy to sit down with his wife and have a "frank chat", useless if she doesnt know herself, and will get defensive if it seems to her to be an ultimatum, For a situation for like that to work, talking wouldnt, it would be about trial and error. And it would be about a girlfriend that the wife chooses as an adopted sister, not a girlfriend that gives the hubby a boner



As for oxytocin, woman have oxytocin receptors all over their bodies, involved also with smell and vision, so everything from response to pretty colors, woman being more into flowers, a little more effort in keeping aesthetics of themselves and their surroundings tidy through to pair bonding and being clucky all inter-related.....all to varying degrees of course, But basically the more the home is filled with gay ass floral patterns on curtains and cushions, all those pretty little boxes not big enough to put anything, the more she is clucky and hooked on that hormone, the less interested in hormones released during sex,

Vasopressin is the guy version, mimics Oxytocin except in one important area, stress, where they have opposing effects, you stress out the body gives you a jump in adrenaline and other steroids, and you are like everyone get the fuck away from me, she stresses and gets more clingy

But the idea that everyones personality even soul is just about the mix of chemicals running around our brains and body, unpalatable to most