i just don't want him touching me...

Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by kitty fabulous, Jun 1, 2004.

  1. kitty fabulous

    kitty fabulous smoked tofu

    ok, my marriage is going down the toilet to the point where we're seeing other people. i'd started falling for a friend i'd been casually seeing, and he utterly rejected me. this hurts a lot; we had a lot in common and i was utterly crazy over him. my husband went out bar-crawling the other night in the hopes of getting laid and didn't get any.

    well now he's acting like since he didn't score and my might-have-been rejected me, everything is going to go back to normal. he's been very sweet to me, and is trying to be nicer to the kids, although he still says things i really wish he wouldn't. he still won't see a counsellor, even though i told him it was the only chance he had.

    before we were first married, we had rules for fighting. he was able to admit he was wrong and appologize, and that made it easier for me to do the same. we agreed to no yelling or name-calling or accusations. well somewhere along the way, the rules were abandoned. yelling and name-calling has become the norm. one morning my son asked for a glass of water and he freaked out at him, called him a brat, etc. as my son sobbed into my arms i told my husband to back of and stop acting so mean, and he just flipped me off. and i thought, well now he finally shows me what he really thinks of me and our family. and the love died right there and hasn't come back.

    the main reason why we haven't split already is because we simply can't afford to. i have no marketable skills and could not earn enough to keep a roof over the kids heads and be a real mother to them, and he barely makes enough to keep this place. we can't afford a lawyer.

    so he tries to pretend nothing's wrong. i've told him i want him to get counselling (i'm seeing a counsellor myself) but he think's he can just "try to be nicer" and everything will be wonderful. lately he's wanted sex, and even though it's been a long time and i'm so horny even the landlord is looking good, i don't want him to touch me. i like him. but i don't love him anymore the way he wants me to, and i don't want to have sex with him.

    what do i do? how do i talk to him about this?
     
  2. WayfaringStranger

    WayfaringStranger Corporate Slave #34

    find a divorced man with a ton of childsupport payments, and have him talk to your husband. and the both of you should start attending AA meetings. it might be time to grow up, cus your both still very young.(well im young too:p ) life aint easy, theres no sense in makin it hard.
     
  3. ms_charisma

    ms_charisma Member

    I think you should take a break, live with your mum or a friend for a few weeks or days or whatever suits you and get some support off other people
    Although i don't think having a break is going to solve the problem completely i think it could help.
    I don't think you should be with him anymore, and i do think there are ways you can support yourself and get help (as mentioned child support) and I think you need to get your prioities straight. It's a choice between your life, the way you feel, what your putting yourself through, the way your child is being brought up and being effected or you can try working hard to support yourself like many many people do.

    You don't need to stay with him. Don't make excuses. Make your life better!!

    Love Amanda
     
  4. spinelli

    spinelli Member

    oH kITTY I do feel very sorry for your predicament

    U know the one reason that couples loose thair sexual energy:Resentment
    and u know what is the biggest cause of resentment: when ur partner mistreats your child. Nothing is more powerful than a mother's protection of her children. It forms a resentment that is very hard to shake.

    My advice , If ur old, stay, u don't need love makin, just keep the peace ur children need the financial support. Maybe work at releasing that resentment.

    If ur young, move on, LEAVE, don't waste one more minute being unhappy for the sake of security.
     
  5. kitty fabulous

    kitty fabulous smoked tofu

    you know, i think i kind of resent your attitude. first of all, this is will be my second divorce; not that it's any of your business but since you seem set on drawing conclusions, my first husband was physically violent. fortunately there were no children involved.

    as for AA meetings, i believe those are for alcoholics. with the exception of my husband's sunday night bar crawl, alcohol has not been involved in the situation at all, nor have i mentioned it.

    lastly, don't you dare tell me to grow up. i'm 32 and my husband is your age. at least we have the sense to keep a roof over our head.
     
  6. Kitty, I'm sorry to hear those things, its a tough place to be in... I understand about the sex part all too well. Time is the key factor as well as communication. Do you and your husband ever have quiet sit down time together? Just a calm time to come to the table with no emotional bullets in the chamber and just talk it out? I don't mean to oversimplify a situation I know nothing about just wanting to contribute.

    You have common interests, common goals, you must both leave the battlefield for a time and parlay. Find the common ground, for my ex and I it was our daughters. We were divorced and forced back together because of illness (hers) and as much as anything we needed to find common ground, because there was no love or trust. So we began with small steps... a partnership... an agreement for the sake of common goals and interests. We gave each other time, and space and agreed to give each other due respect and divorce ourselves from our emotional baggage... it was not easy, and its taken work. I'd like to say I was entirely in love and entirely happy, but life is choices, and I chose the love and happiness of my children. I don't regret it because my investment or if you want to call it sacrifice for my girls takes precedent over all.

    Maybe ( i hope) these ideas can help you... perhaps the flame of passion should be redirected toward seeking to cast light on the situation, seeking to understand then to be understood. Then to work with the areas that you agree, and work around the areas that you don't...
    Hope it helps and wish the best for you... you always have friends to talk to .. you are afterall
    Pretty Fabulous
    Kitty Fabulous
    you will land on your feet...
     
  7. DarkLunacy

    DarkLunacy Senior Member

    Sounds like what my mom went through. If hes a real dick then kick his ass out lol... seriouslly though, dont sleep in the same room... Or it will go back to normal. My mom is like his slave now and he cheated on her... Then wonders why I dont respect him... Dump the sack of shit babe. Best of luck
     
  8. I notice that a lot of respondents come with very "easy" solutions. Like dumping the sack of shit and so on. It's really not that simple. Of course you're emotionally involved, even if you don't love him anymore, because there are children. And there is your economic dependency, which makes things worse. I think you both should see a counsellor, for the sake of having tried the utmost, and not having to blame yourself that you didn't in case things turn out to be wrong. And very urgently: you schould try to get more independent of him, financially. There must be a possibility of finding a job in a store or something. Not only for the financial side of it, but also for the opportunity to take a little more distance.

    All the best, keep us posted! :)
     
  9. Woog

    Woog Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    If she's old it's OK to for her to suffer and not have sex?
    When do you think you'll be too old for sex? At 30, 40, 50.....?
    The interesting thing about age prejudice is that short of accident
    or suicide, everybody gets old. Will you think yourself worthless then?
    Not worthy of happiness and sex? Hmmmm?
     
  10. FREE

    FREE Member

    I Think You Should Cut The Mother Fuckers Hands Off And Get Your Self A Fuckin Job

    Its Like The 2000`s Woman,girls Dont Need Men To Support Shit,they Never Did
     
  11. ms_charisma

    ms_charisma Member

    I agree!!!!!!!!!!!
    but in not such a mean way though
    but its the 21st century, get a JOB!
    i have no experience, and i'm earning almost $30,000!
    thats heaps considering my mum doesnt earn that much more but she has (with her husband) supported 2 kids, owns a gorgeous house, has 2 cars, everything!
    hahaha
    theres plenty of single mothers out there who are FINE

    Love Amanda
     
  12. kitty fabulous

    kitty fabulous smoked tofu

    my thoughts exactly. i'm 32. is that old or young? my husband says i've gotten fat having his babies. i have post-baby tummy and big saggy boobs. do i not deserve sex for that, either?:mad:

    furthermore, i think "just stay together for the sake of the children" is pretty bad advice, for the sakes of me, my husband, and the kids.

    the biggest problem communicating with him is that he's not a sack of shit, but is very screweed up, and refusing counselling. i know i have to leave him. we've already talked about me leaving him. the problem is that just yanking the kids out of their home with only an unstable minimum-wage job to support the three of us will possibly be worse for them than staying long enough to plan, leave as peacefully as possible and transition the kids into a more stable environment. "just get a job and leave the bastard" may be easy to type, but it's not that simple, and a sudden transition into an environment where i cannot support them will not help my kids, nor make them feel safer and secure. if the fights were much worse, it would be a consideration. but i think in this case i can still afford the luxury of a peaceful transition.

    my husband has a lot of love, for both me and the kids. currently however, he shows that love in ways that are hurtful and inappropriate. he is also in denial of the problem. he thinks having sex will bring everything back to normal and make the pain go away. my leaving could be the best thing for him as well as the kids, if it gets him to wake up and seek the help he needs. will that save the marriage? probably not? will it save our friendship, his relationship with the kids, and their childhood happiness? maybe.

    as far as a job is concerned, i have 2 applications out, i am seeing a counselor and she's assisting me in my goal of getting some sort of income - i've set some goals for the summer. however, i have no skills, and can bring in a limited income in rochester's sketchy job market. working 2 or 3 high-stress retail jobs is NOT an option. it won't do my children any good to never see their mother either, or to have me stressed out, tired and unable to cope when they do.

    i may be able to start reading cards again at the shop where i used to work, i've been trying to sell my crafts, and i'm considering figure modelling. all these things will enable me to work flexible hours and still be near my children. it just may not be enough to keep an apartment - and that's what worries me. and child support won't help if he can't afford to keep a roof over his head either.

    i appreciate everyone's concern and advice, but to those of you to whom it applies, you are also invited to keep your nastiness to yourselves. i'm not tolerating being insulted by my husband, what makes you think i'll accept it from some unknown twit on the internet?
     
  13. spinelli

    spinelli Member

    Oh no, I've made ppl mad, I feel frightened
    I referred to OLD, meaning past 50's, past menapause, past procreation.
    But definatley did not infer that at any age does someone not deserve sex, or need love or is at all worthless

    You see I have lttle knowledge or understanding as to what its like as a Woman in my previously described demographic. I just assumed, yes with prejudice, from my Mum's experience, that u get to a point where sex and self fulfillment from a partner is at the bottom of priorities or interests and needs.
     
  14. I think that you need to get out mama. There are some wonderful intentional communities that you can live happily with your children. You may have to do some volunteer work around the communes like watching children, or taking care of the orchard. However it is a great learning experience for all! Usually it is free to live there and they pay you a certain amount of a month, but you got to volunteer some sort of work 30 hours a week. Wonderful folks to live with usually and lots of good vibes.
     
  15. rainbow dew

    rainbow dew Member

    deearest you, well you seem already tat you have a lot of the answers and that you have your head screwed on. it refreshed me greatly to see someone actually considering the kids and not just jumping out of the situation straight away. you are doing the right thing in staying and making it as easy as possible. im so glad that you can still understnad your husbands needs even though you may not have the same sort of love for him anymore. it is a shame he won't see a counseller but you are taking the right steps...your children will benefit from it. i know its prolly really hard for you but remember that its not your fault. you are doing the right thing. good luck to you. sending much light and love to you and your family.

    take care
    namaste
    x x x
     
  16. moonshyne

    moonshyne Approved by the FDA

    I went through that shit with my ex. for over a year he would sleep on the couch far away from me. I hated his guts, and when we DID have sex I'd make it hell for him, telling him to hurry the fuck up and shit, not doing ANYTHING....no moving, no getting into it, nada. Assholes don't deserve sex, especially if he's an asshole to the kids.

    If you just need it that bad but your unwilling to get it from/give it to him, there are PLENTY of other guys who would gladly take it. I'm not saying to go sleep with some random guy in a bar, but if you're serious about leaving him then maybe you should really start looking for someone else to start that kind of relationship with. If he's willing to treat his own kids like shit, then no amount of counceling (sp) can save your relationship.

    Also, there are many programs that you can get into that will help you and your kids get out of that house and get you out on your own. It's been my experience that the longer you stick around, the less likely it is that he'll ever change. Guys like that just figure that they don't HAVE to change, because you're still sticking around even if you do fight. Maybe leaving him will give him the motivation he needs to try to work things out.

    Just my $.02...
     

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