I just discovered I am a racist

So I am a mostly white male,grew up in an ethnically diverse community and have a vast array of friends of different ethnicities and cultures.

To set the stage, I have lived my life and am at the stage of life where any relationship will be at the adult FWB level, i.e. no combining of households, no expectations,just companionship where our mutual interest lay and the occasional I'll be your escort for appearance sake at social functions that are important to you, but that is it. There will never be an us, we shall keep our mutual lives and independent identities. Trips and shared vacations yes,but permanent relationship or holidays together no.

I have a woman I have been friendly with since I met her in my accounting class in college. Over the next 30 some years we ran into each other at grocery stores,the library, community meetings etc. There always has been unexplored light chemistry between us. Of late we have seen each other more and more as she has a keen and curious mind and as been attending my lecture series, showed up (as a paying client) at my ghost tour and my area historical tour. Naturally we talk one on one or in a group after the events.

My point is we have a lot of mutual interests and enjoy each others company. Of late she made it clear she would like to expand our friendship into the FWB range. There is intellectual chemistry there. By that I mean I literally want to fuck her brains out because intelligent women are a turn-on to me and I delight in turning an intelligent, poised woman into quivering, babbling, incoherent mass of orgasmic flesh in bed. At least that is my normal modus operandi but not in this case. You see she is black, and in all my years I never thought of a black women sexually before. It turns out I am simply turned off due to her race. I could not believe it, here she is this intellectually alluring woman and I want her as a man wants a woman up until I consider the mere veneer of the woman herself. I am shocked I am this shallow but the thought of kissing her makes me numb. I even looked at on-line porn with black women in it for the first time,and was simply viscerally turned off by their appearance, even across a wide variety of hues and body types. It goes beyond dislike and borders on revulsion.

I am deeply disgusted with myself and how shallow I apparently am. I am a bit shocked as I never considered myself racist, but WTF!!! Fortunately I can easily diffuse the tension between us by simply indicating I wish to just remain friends but I know that it is a lie designed to spare her from my shallowness.

Anyone else have to face this type of revelation about yourself? I find it very disquieting.

 

That's not racism, it's just physical preference. "Revulsion" is a bit strong but there are plenty of people that can be revolted by the thought of having sex with someone, or a "type" they are not attracted to. Some people have aversions to redheads or people with really pale skin too, I doubt anyone would accuse them of being racist for it. You seem to respect her as a person and you aren't judging her character or intelligence based off the color of her skin, you just aren't aroused by her and thats ok.

 

Exactly. The correct definition of racism, is making someone feel inferior BECAUSE of the colour of their skin. It has no bearing on who you make friends with.
It mainly only becomes an issue, if someone is denied promotion at work, purely on their ethnicity, but the reverse can sometimes happen, if a person is employed BECAUSE they speak a certain language. Bosch UK were even criticized, because they needed German speakers to communicate with their factories in Germany.
Here in London, the police were only recruiting new officers who spoke certain Asian languages for a while, in an attempt to differentiate genuine Asian people from terrorists. It became controversial for a while, but since their was a genuine reason, they were doing nothing wrong. It was soon discovered that genuine Asian families and businesses were being terrorised to hide the terrorists in their community, so they welcomed having police who understood the situation and who they could trust.
Racism is an extremely difficult subject in the workplace, but socially it is simple.

 

Preference vs. Racism.
One problem in today's society is that all freedoms are being taken from us, whether we know it or not. And it isn't the Government that is taking away those freedoms. We are doing it to ourselves.
Freedom of speech is one of the cornerstones of your society, yet, the list of things you cannot say is growing daily.
Your statement about feeling racist because you simply prefer something else, is evidence of another freedom being take. Freedom to choose. If a Black woman approaches you on the street and say "You're gonna be my new baby daddy." and you refuse, then she will scream racism, insisting that you refused because she was black. If a group of Latinos walks into a restaurant and sits at your table uninvited and demands you buy them dinner and you refuse, it's obviously you being racist because you hate Latinos.

If you don't like a movie with a predominantly female cast, they will call you a misogynist. Not because the writing stank or the film sucked, but you must be against it because the women played dominant roles. No one is mandating this behavior. Groups of private individuals are banding together to force their views on others and using social media to enforce their private policies. They gain ground by finding places with like minded people who will easily fall into their line of thought and defend it, pushing everyone else aside. Christianity has been doing this for ages. Hitler used this to control Germany. Used the fear that Jews would take jobs from Germans inflamed the population. Remember, the Nazi Party was originally Germany's Workers Union. (Yes Union, Like the Teamsters).

The only part the Government plays is who they will stand with and who they will denounce. And that changes from Election to Election, so you cna't pin down on politician or blame one cabinet for it. We set the standard, and move the popular opinion.

 

I must say, the responses have been informative, illuminating, and helpful; thanks to all whom have replied.

 

Right on Skip! ;-)

 

Your reply covered a different aspect and was very interesting.
All this discussion about prejudice reminded me of one of the funniest moments in my years with Odeon. So I am going to expand the thread slightly off subject, something that I seem to be quite good at.
Traditionally, we expected the usherette who showed us to our cinema seat to be female, so the sex discrimination laws presented a few problems when advertising for staff. One bright manager had the idea of rewording the advert to, "Ability to look attractive wearing a uniform consisting of a blouse and skirt is essential."
On the day of the interviews, every extrovert gay guy within a ten mile radius turned up, a couple of them wearing blouses and very short skirts.
Fortunately, one of my friends created a fake engineering emergency at another theatre, so that I could skip sitting on the interview panel.
PS. Although this was back in 1975, I will never forget that day, because one of the part time staff who was appointed and sent to work at my base theatre was Jane.
We got married four years Later.

 

I also, have experienced this type of situation. As a nurse, over the years I've worked around many types of females. A few of the black females became good friends, at least at work. (One could make me laugh anytime, in any situation.) But I noticed that I never had any inclination to think of them in a "hitting on" manner. I thought this was strange, since my libido was honed to a razors edge and would light up at the briefest sight of a set of well-shaped legs. And, like you, I tried to work through this in intellectual ways. But, as with you, no response from the deep-seated limbic system, not even a twitch of response.

I think Skip is probably closest in his evaluation. Simply because this non-response extends down to such a basal, primal response level. There must be some elemental, core activity at play here. BTW, this situation also extends to asian females. Now on many other levels, intellectual, etc I can mesh well with most, but it stops cold at "mating".

In general, day-to-day life I consider myself a "behaviorist" rather than any form of race-based restrictions in evaluating others. But in the sexual realm even that doesn't work.

 

I think that is perfectly normal and in no way makes you a racist.
Hopefully no dim witted politician adds dating to the subject.

 

That's what I was saying. Skip is probably onto something with the evolutionary, survival of the species point of view.

 

You are confusing the NSDAP with the DAF.


Masculine black women …


… and feminine Asian men?

If you like intelligence, why do you want to make it disappear?

And you have no idea what you dislike?

I was recently leafing through the 14th edition of the college textbook: The Marriage and Family Experience, and alongside a very careful treatment of the very sexual minorities that are currently officially tolerated at court, I noticed a colourful and attractive chart on interracial marriage. The fact that black men and women hardly ever marry white people, or vice versa, does not fit in with the author’s agenda and is therefore only found in the running text.

In films produced by Amazon MGM Studios, black characters often suddenly appear in the most unlikely places in the world for no reason, and the prevalence of interracial couples also suggests a need to meet quotas that may be less a reflection of reality than a way of fulfilling the producers' specifications.

Here are some facts:





“While Black men marry white women at twice the rate that Black women marry White men, in 2021 only 15% percent of married Black men were married to non-Black women which is unchanged from 2017 but up from 11% in 2010 and 8% in 2000. About 8% of married Black men were married to White women in 2021 and 4% were married to Hispanic women.” (Source)

In the following, I will limit myself to my reaction to three physical characteristics:

A. Skin Colour

I don't think it's just my penchant for black and white photography that makes me enjoy the sight of very dark extremities mixed with my light extremities. I have always thought that those who do not want to talk about other physical differences which they judge negatively, refer to the more innocuous subject of skin colour.

B. Skull Shape




(Source)



I find that major differences in skull shape can be irritating if I am not neutral or positive about them.

C. Nose and Lips

My starting point is narrow noses and thin lips, and I realise that my attempts to get used to their opposites are unsuccessful. Someone living in an opposite environment may have opposite views, as long as they don’t follow imported ideals of beauty. Can a few years of living in a suitable environment lead to a familiarisation process? When I was offered the opportunity to work in Africa for a few years, I accepted, but the start date was postponed again and again.






“Frontal and side views of the external nose by race and gender showing visual description of the nasal width (NW) and nasal height (NH).

EAF=East Asian Female;
EAM=East Asian Male;

BF=Black Female;
BM=Black Male;

LF=Latino Female;
LM=Latino Male;

CF=Caucasian Female;
CM=Caucasian Male. “


“Nasal index is defined as the ratio between the width and height of the anterior nose.”

Comparisons of Nasal Index: "Nasal index in Figure 4A revealed that Blacks had the largest median nasal index of 95.82(IQR=3.08), whereas Caucasians had the smallest median nasal index of 72.46 (IQR=0.89). Latinos and East Asians followed with a median of 82.59(IQR=8.84) and 78.33 (IQR=6.62), respectively. In Figure 4B, males had a slightly larger nasal index than females with respective median values of 80.98 (IQR=13.86) and 79.25 (IQR=20.12)."

(Source)



I checked a couple of documentaries and realised that there is a wide range of nose and lip shapes in Africa. So apart from those features, which are not unique to Africans, I don’t see any fundamental problem with other body types. To give an example, I really like many East Asian bodies and often find them more elegant than European bodies.





LA BEAUTE DE LA DIVERSITE ETHNIQUE

What experiences have you had with your physical preferences?

 

Don't feel bad, I don't consider myself to be a racist but I don't find black women particularly attractive. That hasn't kept me from having affairs with 2 black women on separate occasions. I've also fooled around with white women I didn't think were all that attractive. Christ, what we men will do for pussy.

I say give her a try! She just might fuck your brains out!

 

I had affairs with a few Black women. (One was my Mother's nurse.) I had a week long fling with a German woman. she was touring LA then headed back to Deutschland. I'm Jewish, but the only tension between us was sexual in nature She was hot. I had a year long relationship with a Latina, and a 3 year with a Blackfoot, (Native American if you need to ask). Dated an Egyptian and a South Korean. But I still get called a racist, just because of my skin color.

Oh and now I'm a misogynist, because I am not actively looking to date women anymore.

 

Personally, I have always gravitated towards people that are similar to myself in every way. Looks age interests even hair color. I in no way feel that is racist in any way.

 

I would say I fancy a lot more white women than black, but I wouldn't say I’m racist. I have had sex with a black girl once, but it was a bit of a one night stand type thing. I wouldn't treat anyone any differently because of their colour. It just doesn't come into it for me. But when it comes to my “type” its pretty, curvy women. Its mainly what they are like as a person. My girlfriend is white but she is amazing, kind and sweet. The most selfless person I have ever met. She is the one.

However if I was ever dating again I wouldn't discount dating anyone based on their skin colour. It would be about how we got on mainly. In my experience the more stunning the girl, you’re more likely to have problems with her. She might be quite vain and selfish. Obviously this is just my experience. Thats why I base my relationships on how I get on with them, how they behave and treat other people.

 

I wouldn't consider it racist either! We ALL have preferences...I'm NOT attracted to overweight women. And being "mostly hetero"...I have preferences with men, as well. For instance, I absolutely won't even consider having sex with a man that's not circumcised and above average in size. Having said that, I am not concerned if he's overweight, his race or anything else. Back to your black friend...I personally drool and pant over attractive black women. Don't be so hard on your self...even though, I (personally) think you're nuts for not having her sit on your face...but that's just moi. Good luck....

 

He used "revulsion" and I don't think any of us who are not actually him get to imply he may have misspoken.

Revulsion at the mere thought of fucking her? That's miles beyond "not liking" something because you prefer something else.

So, yeah, you've got some racism going on. But it doesn't come into play until sex appears on the horizon. So that's a bit of good news... it's not an overwhelming degree.

You can terminate the friendship now so this torturous feeling won't hit you again. (There are other intelligent women in the world.). You'll both get over that.

You can tell her you're not interested in sex, sorry, nothing personal.

You could try counseling.

You could try recreational chemicals and see if those knock the feeling down.

In any case, the ball is in your court and the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Best wishes on it!