I just can't seem to get her to understand.

I am having the hardest times understanding my wife and it is driving me to the point of possibly seriously looking at separation and divorce.

We're in our early 50s and have been together some 20+ years, married the past 11 and it seems the more I try to understand her I more I don't understand her. She is an introvert and hates for anyone to ask her to do anything. She has zero friends and what I mean by that she has a ton of Facebook friends but not one person she calls or talks to on the regular or ever at all. If I do anything for her just to be nice then that seems to now become my job because since I did it once then she no longer feels the need or desire to do it for herself. Yes, one of our biggest issues is communication. I can't talk to her because she only sees things one way, her way. I'll cut to the chase on the current issue. For months now we have been paying bills differently that seem to be working out fine. On our pay days she'll tell me what needs to be paid or what my portion is and I'll pay it. She gets paid the day before me so hers is already paid. She has access to all our accounts. We both work from home and today I was about to make some coffee and when I turned on the water nothing came out of the tap. I go to the bathroom where she was and asked her to turn on the faucet and low and behold our water had gotten turned off that morning. She is now fuming with me saying I must not have paid my portion of the bill. Ok, even if I didn't pay my portion of the bill they don't just turn you off. You've gotta be behind for a while. The issue is this. We get into an argument about it and she is sticking with her story that I must have done something or not done something by not paying my portion. She goes and gets the bill and opens it up and clearly at the top there is a notice of disconnection. My wife handles all that and like I said, she'll tell me what amount needs to be paid and I will log into the various accounts and pay it. She then tells me that they normally send out a disconnect letter and I tell her that these past 2 years there's nothing normal. I told her the water company probably decided to save that extra postage and paper by sending out special disconnect notices but instead put it right on the bill at the top. Then she says, "well you could have opened the bill!" Wait, every month for months you send me a text to say what needs to be paid and how much so I'm assuming you are opening the bills.

We live in a rental home and it's not the most energy efficient home. The windows leak, the doors leak, and we have a water leak under our kitchen floor. So much so that when I called our property management company last year because the floor was sinking in and the cabinets were pulling away from the walls. They finally sent a flooring company out to replace the cabinets and level off the floor but when they ripped the floor out they noticed a major leak under the sink, thus the reason everything was sinking in. The immediately stopped work and called the property management company telling them they couldn't do the work until the leak was fixed or it's going to sink in again over time. Within 24 hours that same flooring company was back repairing the floor and the next day the cabinet people were installing the new cabinets. Not one thing was done about the leak. It had been leaking for so long until when they would press down on it with their shoe water would pour out of it like a dish rag. My wife feels that it's my job/responsibility to notify the property management company of any issues like that. "That's man's stuff." Ok, I called the rent office today to complain about the flooring again I had to leave a message. When I took lunch my wife came into the bedroom where I was sitting and gave me a stern look like "so, are you going to tell me what they said?" I looked at her and told her there was nothing to tell at this point because I hadn't gotten in touch with anyone just yet. I was supposed to go tell her I called them and left a message. That keeps her in the loop. Her next response would have been, "so what did they say?" What part of I left a message are you not getting?

For a number of years my wife has been dealing with some health issues. Her back, her legs, her uterus, etc. She constantly sits or lays on heating pads all day long and will even put one in the bed at night with her while she sleeps. She has had surgery on her back and even a partial hysterectomy a little more than a year ago. Since then our sex life has gone to almost zero. Not that we were doing it much before then. Months after the hysterectomy she was worried about having sex again so I didn't push the issue. Earlier this year after her constant complaining about us not having sex I made my move. It was a total disaster. Neither of us enjoyed it. And neither of us "finished". It was like she couldn't get wet enough but instead of using lube she pulled a bottle of massage oil out of her nightstand drawer. I guess my question is this. Can massage oil be used as lube. One is to be used externally while the other is specifically for internal use. Are they interchangeable? Since then I've resorted to just taking care of my own self but even that is a problem. When she does laundry and if she finds a "dried towel" she's upset. She complains that I can get relief but she can't. I've told my wife for years that she needs to start masturbating but she refuses saying "why do I need to masturbate when I have a husband?" Just like a lot of women, sometimes I'm just not in the mood either. No, my wife thinks that all men want to do is have sex. I looked at her and said, "what would you rather do, find a "dried" towel in the dirty clothes hamper and I'm home all the time or would you rather you not find a towel and I'm always out of the house?"

Last week may best friend from college called me to say he and his fiancé were going to be in town. I've not seen him in some 30+ years. We hang out with them a little while Fri night but they had other plans hence the reason they were in town so we made plans to hang out Sat and do lunch before they hit the road. The wife and I apparently got into it Sat morning over something she found fault with before meeting up with my friend so when we met for lunch he and I were giggling, laughing, and talking about our college days and antics. After we said our goodbyes we got in the car and the first thing she said to me was "oh, I can see you can laugh with him." My wife has this thing to where when she and I are mad it shows on her face all day long no matter who's around. If we're mad then I'm supposed to be mad at everyone else till we make up. We go to church the next day and I'm a deacon so when we walk in she takes her seat and sits there. I'm a deacon so I go around speaking to a few people making sure things were set so then the pastor gets there we could go right into service. When I go speak to a few people and share a few laughs then sit back down again she makes to comment of "oh it must be nice to be able to go laugh and giggle with other people." Look, I'm not mad at them. Those people haven't done anything to me. Why should I not speak to them because you and I are mad? Again, during the entire time at church she had this sour puss look on her face the entire service.

No, I'm not a perfect person and I admit that but not everything is my fault. My wife never seems to see what she does. If she gets a flat while driving her car then it's my fault I didn't check her tires before she left. She feels that when I go outside I should just check her tires to make sure they are okay. If something goes wrong with her engine I should have for seen it beforehand. Right now my SUV needs some major work but she's upset that we may not get to go on vacation in a few weeks. I'm sorry, but when my ride is down and looking at several thousand in repairs the last thing I want to think about as taking her on vacation. Again, the water got turned off but all she is thinking about is going on vacation. Personally, I'd rather cancel the entire trip but then I'd have to hear her mouth for the next 6 months saying "I never get to go anywhere." But on top of my car needing some repairs she's mad we're using her car primarily to get around and run errands. She complains that her car needs to go to the shop but never seems to want to do it until my car is having issues. When my car is running fine then she doesn't think about her car. But then.....I'm suppose to put her car in the shop AND pay for the repairs. That's what a descent husband would do. I know how to work on cars and keep the maintenance up on them. No, I can't rebuild a transmission or take out an engine. But simple things like oil changes, replacing an alternator or starter are within my wheelhouse. She gets mad at me when I have her buy her own oil and filter or whatever part needs to be replaced on her car. I have to remind her the amount of labor I've saved her in repairs alone and all I ask is that she buy the parts for her car. She refuses to wash her own car because she says, "what would the neighbors think if they saw me outside washing my own car?" I say to her they'll probably think, "my car is dirty too so let me go wash mine." That's not a woman's job to keep her own car clean when she has a husband.

I'm fed up. How do single women get through life knowing they have to take their own trash out, if their car is dirty they either have to wash it themselves or they take it to a car wash. If their car needs work they just fall apart or they step up to the plate and take it to a repair shop.

How do I get my wife to understand that not everything is my fault and she needs to take some responsibilities for some of the things that go on in life. If you're not opening the bills then blame it on someone else when a utility gets turned off then how is it their fault?

How do I deal with this or is it time to make an exit plan? Talking to her is pointless.

 

Whoa buddy, sounds like you're in a perfect storm. Health, sex, money, living, cars - and taking out the trash... You're sure there's not a substance abuse issue there? Back pain is quite debilitating and maddening - and there's not much to do about it if it's not a surgical fix - I speak from years of personal experience.

I've never understood this "yours" and "mine" in a marriage. Money, cars, house.....but I guess in your case that will all end up to in your favor

Sounds to me that you've done your due and it's obvious that reasoning with her would be like talking to a brick wall. Time for a well orchestrated escape. Sounds like living without her would be far less pain than living with her.....what exactly are you getting out of this? Emotional abuse, financial woes and all. I'd rather live in a box by myself. I'd see an attorney for a brief consultation to be sure how to protect your assets and pull the pin.

I must admit, I do wash and fix her car because I enjoy doing it for her....plus she fixes me.

 

From the outside looking in, this looks like a complete relationship breakdown. You are getting on each other’s nerves all the time and it’s not supposed to be like that. Bickering and being in a bad mood all the time is just stress, you don’t have to live like this, this is not love is it now ? You are supposed to make each other happy.

 

Don't get me wrong, relationships do require work but they aren't that hard to figure out. I just think she finds every excuse in the world to either pass work off onto someone else or when she says she's not going to do something she doesn't do it. Another one of her favorite phrases to say is "can you...". "Can you buy some dishwasher detergent? Can you buy some aluminum foil? Can you pick up some laundry detergent? Can you, can you, can you?" We both work but I'm the one always having to buy stuff with my money. No, we don't have a shared account. When we started dating we both kept our own accounts but when we got married I suggested putting all paychecks into one account but she wouldn't go for that. We do have a joint account but we only put money in it to cover household bills. Here's the caveat to that. When my car needs work I'm supposed to pay for that myself but when hers needs work then "as a man" I'm supposed to help her pay for the repairs.

And she feels that relationships have no boundaries. What's mine is hers but not the other way around. For years I have had issues with sleeping. My doctor prescribed me some sleep medication and I have to get the prescription filled every month. My wife, on the other hand, falls asleep the minute the covers hit her chest. One day, years ago when I was at work she called me to say that she took one of my "prescription strength" sleeping pills last night to see how they made her rest. So now I'm short one pill that month. I also have my personal grooming devices and in the bathroom I have my nose hair trimmer. A few weeks ago she told me that she used it to see how it worked. Come on now. There are some things you just don't need to touch. I don't use her toothbrush simply because I want to see how it works or feels in case I want to buy a new one. I'm not using her razors or her body wash. Those are her things. And I'm definitely not using her prescription medication. If I have a headache I'm not going to get one of the pills she takes for her back. Again, right now she is sitting in the kitchen sitting on a heating pad and usually keeps another one draped over her lap. When she gets off work she brings the heating pad into the living room and sits on it till it's time for bed. Then she brings it to the bedroom and lays it on her side of the bed till she falls asleep. You can't imagine the feeling of rolling over at night only for your leg to brush up against a hot heating pad. I got in her car the other day and she constantly keeps the seat warmers on so half way down the road I started getting hot. Why and it's plum near the middle of June in the south.

Maybe I'm wrong here but I am very protective of my SUV or any other car I've had. Several were totaled in wrecks in years past and I don't want to be without a vehicle again. My wife feels that it's her right to walk outside and just decide which car she wants to drive that day. If she's tired of driving her car to work and wants to ride up high then she'll ask me can she take my SUV. I usually ask is there something wrong with her car and she'll say, "no, I just want to drive your car." I just think that if you go to the dealership or car lot and pick out the car you want to pay for then you should be happy to drive that car. Yeah, I guess the little things like this have now added to to big things.

If we're sitting in the living room watching TV and she tells me she's ready to go to bed then I have to go with her. I can't stay in the living room and watch TV because I'm not tired yet. Her thing is that "I can't sleep unless you're beside me." That sounds nice and cute but the real reason is she wants to keep an eye on me so she doesn't think I'm in the living room pleasuring myself to porn or something. If I get a text message then she immediately wants to know who it's from. I have 6 other brothers and sisters and we all have a group text chat so my phone is going off constantly. I get text messages from church members or our pastor about various things. Since we've been working from home for the past few years I get text messages from co-workers about work procedures or just to gripe about a manager or something. Again, as I said in my OP my wife doesn't have friends who call or text her so when I get a text then I must be up to something.

Shortly before we got married my wife said to me that once we get married we needed to find more married friends to hang out with. Meaning, I needed to cut those single friends off. It's not like I was going bar hopping or to the strip club before but married men don't need single friends. So now I can't be friends with them simply because our martial status has changed?

It's just one thing on top of the other.

 

Whoa buddy....was there something in particular that fascinated you with her to get married in the first place? I know people can change a little, but seems to me she's immature, greedy and probably spoiled. I guess it's time you stood up and laid down the law - no, you do it. No, take your car. No, you pay for that. No, I'm going to bed when I want to, I'm a big boy. Oh and yes, since you have decided we're not having any sex any more, yes, I probably will jerk off after you go to bed, or any chance I can - you can watch if you care but I need to do it.. What's the worst that can happen? Can she treat you any worse?? I mean, who the hell does she think she is, some goddess to be worshipped? She's a control freak that's never been told no. Where's it going to end?

I never hide texts, but I don't announce every fucking one I get - but if she's curious, sure I'll tell her, but there's nothing there that shouldn't be there.

Again, back pain can be maddening and debilitating. Until I got mine fixed, I was like a caged animal and the heating pad was my best friend - but we still had sex regularly and I did what I could handle around the house. I could kiss that surgeon's feet for fixing it. Yeah, your back hurts - but what are you doing about it? Losing weight? Exercising? Building core muscle? Phy$ical therapy? It takes a long time to recover, and often it can't really be fixed.

Be sure there's not an opiate issue - Docs have really clamped down handing those out long term since they can really get out of hand fast. Same with drinking. Anti inflammatories is the only thing that's really therapeutic. I don't think anything really helps with nerve pain - it just makes you not give a shit about it for a while.

"Honey, this is just not working. We need to find a solution, one way or the other".....watch, tho, she won't have a clue that she's at fault. Attack it calmly and if she wants to argue, just say I'm not feeding into your misbehavior.

Be glad you don't have kids or a house or assets in the mix - then you'd really be fucked.

Who can afford therapy today? I know I couldn't with my shitty health plan. I've never heard of couples therapy ever accomplishing anything but blame and I'd think that by the time most get there, it's far too late.

Oh and I have been known to drive around with the seat heater on often....in the south.

PM if you care.

 

How do you PM someone on here?

 

Click on the members name block. When their profile box pops up, click on "start a conversation".

 

You need an exit strategy. All she is giving you is one almighty headache. She’s giving you no reason to stay with her. You need to ditch her and get your life on track. You only have one life; make the most of it, start enjoying yourself as much as possible.

 

I thought that some time ago when I first read it but didnt want to be the first to say that the relationship is finished . They have become just "friends" with no intimacy . I dont think it is enough to keep this couple together . Sometimes if there are kids within the family structure couples like the Op's will stay the course for the kids sake .Regrettably I dont see a future here for them as a couple . I would recommend they try counselling as a last ditch attempt to salvage it .That would at the very least satisfy the need to have tried everything and to avoid feeling guilty should it not work .

As regards massage oil as a lube , NO . Its Okay for the guy but the woman could get a yeast infection due to the sugars contain in the massage oil.