I have thoughts of me killing myself if I am holding a gun, or even a tool at work, whether it be an accident or on purpose, however, I am not depressed, nor suicidal. Kind of strange, IMO.
I was once jumped and attacked by 4 people attempting to rob me. I was then forced to defend myself with a blade. After stabbing two of them and fleeing I was left with an adrenaline high that kept me up all night and a lingering feeling of emptiness. They did not seek medical attention until two days later. I heard through the grape vine that their total number of stitches counted higher than the value of the stuff I was carrying. Thankfully I did not kill anyone, they are all still in high school and I hoped they learned from their mistake. There was a second time when I was attacked by 10 people. Both me and my friend were jumped. I was pinned to the ground and I had my blade out and I was gripping it tightly, my attacker's chest was exposed as well as his back. I held back and I gave them all they wanted and I got away with not a single cut and all they got was bad karma and a bit of weed. I was not able to bring myself to kill him over a bag of dope, if the situation were more severe and I was being beaten then it would have been the end of at least a few of those punks. I was holding the knife so tight in my hand that when it was all done I had marks from the handle left on my palm. I could kill a man, by blade preferably, but only in self-defense.
I always think about killing people for the fun of it and then killing myself so I don't get into trouble. Truly a case of "the empty wagon rattling the loudest"
I like to think no but then I think it's potentially within everyone and for most people it would take a hell of a lot for them to be pushed to do something.
Truthfully, if I wanted to, I could kill and never get caught but then I think "I don't want to go to Hell."
As human race evolved during all these years, from the age of the caveman until today, traces of our animal life kept subsiding more and more. Many aspects were totally eliminated, while others took other forms, and yet other remained after learning how to put a civil 'cover' on their desires / acts which are nothing but traces of the animal stage that have not developed yet to full human who loves and praises human life. However, killing someone remains an option in emergencies i.e. defending own life, or defending someone else's life for good and legitimate reasons.
I would never have the guts to do or nor do i ever think about it i have shot and killed deer.rabbits,squirrels, and just about every other animal out in the woods even stabbed a deer to death. But i used every animal i killed as FOOD. if you kill a human thats just fucked up your not GOD or whatever you believe in and i believe you should be shot by the person you killed's family : ]