I Have Decided...

Nobody knows how they'll react on the day..

It's partly why most students start making plans for what what they will do should they not get the grades they want or need...

Yes, our learning years set us up for the rest of our lives... And acheivements begin NOW, for those with so much hope and expectancy..

I know you want to succeed, but success is measured by many other things, not just what you want NOW...

Life is too diverse to try to follow the path you have in your mind and heart.. It turns and changes so quickly that you can find yourself on a new adventure without often even realising you will look back and be pleased that fortunes can change for the better even at our lowest moments..

 

I Wish You'd Stop Pretending that you Know me so Well...

 

I bet you do..


Easier for you to go believing you have no friends..

You had a friend, and I'm wondering why you found it easier to keep pushing him away than to embrace what he offered in 500+ hours (I over-estimated with 1,000) of reaching out to you..

If you really want to go, why are you still here?

 

I Never Figured you Out...

 

god stop pretending with all this emo bullshit, its making me sick. your exactly like my friend...make sure as many people as possible know i want to kill myself so there will be as many people as possible to stop me. GROW THE FUCK UP.

 

ive been saying this my whole life- grades dont mean shit. a letter does NOT tell someone if theyre smart or not.
in my case, people always say "why arent you doing better? arent you smart enough to pass classes?"
DOESNT MEAN IM NOT SMART!
i dont mean to fail, school subjects just dont register with me.
im smart in a more useful way.
school doesnt mean diddly-squat man. my dad says in all his 40 years of living, not one employer has asked to see his diploma.

 

and if someone really truly wanted to kill themselves, they wouldnt be bragging about it for 5 pages.
hey maybe its just me, but if you really wanted to do it-youd already have done it.

 

But you found a use for me....

I was your old wise soul until I got too involved with you. You didn't need to know anything about me, only how the source of my own experiences related to what I happened to share with you.. In the same way that you wouldn't want to know how your hairdryer could blow hot and cold air..

I've been wondering how I would have taken your proclaimation of love had I not already felt the way I did.. I think I would have been quicker to realise that you fell in love, not with me, but with three particular words.. No, Not those three words...

Those three words..


When our friendship was simple, we achieved so much.. Life was wonderfully unpredictable, and I witnessed you rise from the ashes of old friendships and old pains.. We enjoyed more than we have recently, and slowly, you stopped talking about Bad Things..

We found ourselves saying things we both needed to hear, and as warm as they made us feel, they were always going to be exposed as encouraging, yet empty words... I've told you that I care very much about you.. So without emotions, it's still possible to live and be happy..

And now we've lost that connection, we're using that friendship as weapons against each other.. Making us both annoying and hateful..

It's ironic that you've called me three times AFTER our biggest falling out, where you never tried to previously..

I've never known what you wanted, or what to give you.. I just provide.. then leave.... Away from you, I still think about what goes on, and it always made the following evening an easier road to travel along.. For your part, you gave affection without closeness... And I realise I preferred that to the reassurances we found ourselves giving each other.. We were both happier.. We were each more open then than we are now, even knowing more than we did back then..

.....


Suicide is wishing for Death, not giving up on Life... It should be rare., and could even be beautiful if done for the right reason..

 

Eric...

I Know I Haven't Had Much Contact With you in a While...

I'm Doing This For your Own Good...

Not Because I Want to...

 

Oh you are, are you?

You don't read much of anything I write, do you?

I've cured myself, without your help.. And cirumstances did a far better job at breaking any spell I may have been under for the last few months than you could ever do..

All you've done is remove the fact that you were as much to blame as me for what happened last month..

Oh, but you wrote this in your "I Have Decided to Fuck Up the Lives of Everbody who Knows me" thread.. Which lets me explain something about friendship.... You can turn your own feelings off, but you CANNOT change the way other people have been affected by what you have given.. If you're hoping you can leave this world with nobody caring, you are so very wrong.. Even if I went through moments where I hated you, which I never have, I would still have all those pleasant things to relive over and over..

I've had many different feelings about your selfishness over the last 15 months.. It was easy to ignore until you returned.. Then I thought you deserved your moments to be whatever you wanted to appear as... For a while, I could even see it shaping you into a stronger person, more independent and adult.. Now, even though I now know you'll never be rid of it, it's just an annoying trait that will cost you more than you will ever gain from it... You'll find more people are as hard on you as I will be.. And maybe some mental beatings will work better than perceptive understanding..

Now isn't that something worth living for?

 

I Don't Really Need Anyone...

How am I Selfish?

 

Suicide itself is a selfish act.. As I kinda said earlier, there are times when it can be honourable, and beautiful.. But if you are leaving people behind who have a connection with you, family and friends, then it had better be a more worthwhile reason than just opting out of life..


But selfishness comes in many forms.. And is not always about what you do so much as what you don't do.. You have talents and abilities seperate from what you want as your career that you don't seem to want to share.. I know I've never really turned to you for help, but I feel you have deprived our friendship of so much.. Incredibly, that's the selfishness that I understand..

But you are quite ungrateful at times too.. Yes, you may well not need anybody, and there's something selfish in that blunt statement.. Something that says "I'm not going to give to or take from anybody".. You acheived that status by taking from people, by accepting help when it was offered... Friendships that have been with you when you've been troubled, and when you've wanted to find direction in your life... So rarely have you actually given acknowledgement to what people have shared with you.. Time.. Experience...

Your annoying habit of only registering the last couple of lines of long replies and messages.. So much waste I have felt in what I have tried to tell and show you.... It's like you allow yourself to miss the answers you always seek that would help you..

And too often, you sing the praises of those that have been of help to you, RIGHT IN FRONT of the person who is trying to help you RIGHT NOW!

You are alot stronger than you let yourself believe..

 

You were Just Taking Advantage of me the Whole Time...

When you Realise you Can't Have me...You Show Your True Colours...

 

I'm not the one who hates the other..

And the only thing that's changed recently is that I want the old friendship back, when I DID NOT THINK I had any hope of a future with you other than as your friend..

 

You Have Turned my Thread Around so that it Involves You Only...

 

So we both feel used...

At least we part understanding each other

 

Stop Following me...

 

Let's get married

 

I Have Failed Them All...

 

But you haven't failed the most important lesson of them all..

All the wise and strong people you see around you, they learn and grow from the very thing you are now facing..