I hate my past

I appreciate you adding that to this thread. Yeah it's a scar and a mindjob and sometimes a stumbling block but like you said you're still alive and a good person and the trauma has a way of forcing you to go inside yourself instinctively to pick up the pieces and try to put something useful together. What we end up with may not be perfect but it's usually more bulletproof than the original design.

 

I'm more a fan of SC's thoughts, and can sort of empathize. My best friend growing up throughout ALL of school had a very similar (dysfunctional) family, except it was her mother, and she wasn't ever grounded for the ridiculous amount of time you were...however, even tho' my life was FAR from "normal", even I, as a child could see and know that she had some more deep kind of awful shit at her house with her mother. Her daddy would sit idly by just as stupid and oblivious as a bag of dirt. Anyway...

We would refer to her as "schizo mama". She is on the other side now...and when she died I couldn't make myself go down there, especially since there were BUNCHES of ppl mourning her. My friend basically forgave her mother, and we've both agreed that her mom had a chemical imbalance, and would be dianosed nowadays as being bi-polar. (That is not even counting that the children would also be removed from the home!)

If you can, try to choose the forgiving route - but always know that BOTH of them were just plain damn wrong on every level. You have come a long way by being able to confront this issue and intentionally not have your own children raised like you were - and (JMO) I wouldn't ever let my children be exposed to them without being there myself too. (I'd also probably be small enough inside to tell one or both of them that, too. )

 

Lynn, you are right, I have come to realize that forgiveness is not for the meek but instead is a powerful weapon in our arsenals to get through this life. I do sometimes forget to use it though.

 

That's rough. The most important thing you said(to me) is that your children are not exposed to the same uselss shit that was put upon you. I won't chime in with my story--I've told it on here before-but I definately understand and you're OK. It took me years and years to realize that forgiveness would free me from the pain and the reliving of the bullshit. Thing about parents is , they are sometimes just screwed up people who shouldn't have kids in the first place and then they don't have enough sense to see themselves for who they are and what they do. You did the right thing by moving away. Sometimes that's the only way to handle it. Not only did it take several --well--more than several doses of L for me to even begin to start to understand it from the "ground up"as it were,but many years of the unwanted reliving it. You're still young and you're doing well---good on you brother. It's good to talk about it.

 

Not so much about forgiveness

But more about the way everything really works.

Arguably better off not being cottonwoolled as a teen. Grow up with perfect parents that do everything for you likely they grow up to be spoiled brats that cant fend for themselves, 35 and still living with their parents paying off a huge credit card debt cos they never learned to be self sufficient. I see this a lot nowadays

Grow up with boring parents that do everything right, and you'll still find your relationship with them drifting apart cos they are just too boring. Or the wife arcs up because the mother in law is too clingy, or father in law is too pervy cos your mum is the only gal over the last couple decades he's had close contact with - which is a whole lot of stuff that takes the hubby a while to get

The parents can do everything right, be the best parents in the world and you'd still have to cut them off to a certain degree

 

good for you for getting out of this situation. I'm glad that you are now in a better place even though this still haunts you. double good for you for not taking out your past shit on your kids the way your dad did, in fact hallelujah and and you deserve a medal for that part especially

you might want to check out therapy

 

I was also traumatized over and over when I was little. Sexually, emotionally, mentally.......I tried repressing it with alcohol and hard drugs. Really I tried everything to make it go away. My children helped in that they saved my life. I probably would have commited suicide or died a slow alcohol or meth death. Honestly Mothman the only thing that helped me to start healing is that I finally found out the horrendous circumstances of my parents childhoods (the perpetrators). Now I see them as two horribly broken people, traumatized themselves. I actually have pity for them now. They were terribly abused. To come from a place of hate to this is such a relief for me. Mind you, I am in my 50s. I probably still felt like you feel when I was your age. Hope you find peace of mind and healing. (hmmm, no wonder we seem to be on that same path. Wish I could clear the way for you).

 

all you can do is make the best of your own life

no point blaming other people

and then love them unconditionally - fucked up or not

we only get one mum and one dad.

 

and we also get one life, and one childhood, so if that "mom and dad" chose not to be a parent and fuck up your childhood, maybe you don't have to consider them parents.

A childhood is one of the most important time in one's life, its the foundation of your future and how you views things, there are so many "beautiful" people who committed suicide as they get older just because of their fucked up childhood.

So if you as a parent do not guide, protect, sheltered, love, your kid but chose to abuse, molested,etc then that child of yours have the right to hold a grudge against you.

How can you love someone unconditionally if they chose to hurt you, I know I can't.

 

idk. I think it would be hard to love somebody unconditionally that abused you so badly. I know for myself, I don't know if I love my parents or if I even forgive my parents, but I know I am not twisted with hate anymore, for them or myself. I do have pity and compassion for them....

 

I could be wrong, but I get the sense you've never been abused, at least not by your parents. I've never been abused either, but then I don't command people to love their parents for (sometimes) no other reason than a biological connection.

You only get one set of *biological* parents--people can have many, many other parental figures/role models in their lives, some more healthy than their own genetic creators. I believe strongly in family--but there's no reason the definition of family should come down to DNA.

To the OP: I think you've don all you can to move on from the past, and I think a large part of your ongoing suffering is managing the memories when they come to the surface, which they inevitably will. As long as you have a healthy way of dealing with them, I don't foresee them causing significant further damage for you. It's kind of like living with a chronic disease--it never goes a way, but it doesn't have to kill you either, it just depends on how you take care of yourself.