I hate my father

I don't know what you can learn from this,Cally--maybe nothing.
When I was 3 or 4 ,my mom ran off with a guy and lived in a car in Mexico while trying to put me in an orphanage. In those days,fathers had a hard time getting custody of kids ,so my fathers mom,my gramma took me. My dad was a big-shot banker and acted like it. We never had conversations at all and when he got married for the 3rd or 4th time,I tried living with him and the stepmother. It went very badly. She would have been a good candidate for one or the other of the drug solutions now available. They weren't. She would actually flip out in a split second and throw things at me,while my dad sat by and said nothing. I ran away a lot.
LATER=Hadn't seen them for years and the last time I called to try and mend or build some kind of relationship---I was told to go fuck myself.
Thing is,I didn't realize how much all that childhood-young adult crap affected me. I was absolutely a wild man -alcoholic and did much crazy shit,in fact enough that even my friends were afraid of what I'd do when drunk. That stuff can linger for years and cause your life to kind of be put on hold, until you can start looking at bad parents or one bad parent, as just people that have had or MUST have had some bad things happen to them that precludes them from being how they should be.
So, I wasted a lot of time fretting about "why me?" and all that. I think we forget that parents have already come a distance through life with all the crap that life could throw at them before we were even born. Who really knows what caused our "parents" to be lousy at parenting. I Know it hurts now,but this too shall pass,as they say and you will come out of it OK down the line. When you are able to forgive them their weaknesses and shed the baggage you are bound to carry--you will feel a great weight lifted from your shoulders. It took me a lot of years to come to forgiveness,but I finally got FREE. I hope you can see what I mean----------

And remember-the men you come in contact with in your life-are not your dad. They did not harm you as he does/did. Don't assume. Observe.

 

yeah same here

actually I think my father is probably the best friend ive ever had...or ever will have

 

I'm not the golden child, either. My dad didn't want me around as a child. His wife and her child were always more important, and she still hates me to this day because i'm my fathers "other child". I'm 21 and it took 18 years for him to truly want to step up and be a parent, and that was after finding out that my stepfather was abusing me for 12 years.


I'm pretty sure he just felt bad.

But anyways, moral of the story… if a parent doesn't want you in their life… ultimately it's their loss! He will watch you grow up and resent himself everyday for not taking part in it.
I hope this helps a little.

 

yes, it might be the distance that could make up our problems and make us ''miss'' each other. Sometimes is just too late, things u said u cant take them back and its the same for things you did.
he is not feeling like saying sorry now, and when i'll go away i'll make sure we never get back in contact. if its not important now, it wont be few years later.

 

wow, u've been through a lot in ur life. cant belive u find the way and make urself to forgive them. im happy you finally feel free.
im trying not to bother myself with questions why me, why is this happening at al.. in this time we live i think nothing can be perfect, we can just keep trying to making the best for ourselfs and people we love.
My wish is not to forgive him, but forget him.

And thank you for advice.; ''dont assume, but observe..''

 

yes i think is their loss too, some of them will get to know this when it will be too late. its sad.

thank you it deff helps!

 

Maybe I should have elaborated more on what our relationship was like...

He didn't put an effort into having a relationship with me...for 3 years, my relationship with him was in bar rooms because I was the only one making an effort to spend time with him...and that was where he'd spend his time after work.

Also, up until his last months of life, when he REALLY saw the the person I became, he would find everything wrong with me, never complimenting, always nitpicking.

If the things you are dealing with are things you definitely can't endure, then I hope you do find happiness away from each other, but someday, maybe you should make the first step toward kindness...maybe that's what he'll need

 

Nitpicking is just stressing about how you turn out, or just simply being cranky and letting out that energy on others. Still preferrable to totally not giving a shit.

And hanging out in bars cos his wife and kids were a whole bunch of mimimimimi 24/7 and he couldnt handle it 24/7, nothing really wrong with that

Sounds rather normal really.

When do we get the dads version of this thread, where each dad responds to each poster telling us how much of a pain in the ass they were as a teenager.

Not trying to be confrontational on purpose, just thats the formula isnt it,once we get a certain distance from our teens, realise how much of a pain in the ass selfish awkward overly dramatic teens are, we were........then its like oh, ok, gotcha Dad, maybe it was also about me

 

thank you , but i dont feel like doing kindness steps in the future. if im not worth an normal conversation now, he wont deserve it later in time. thanks anyway.

 

I empathise, I had a brutal monster of a father. and to this day it still has some effect on me.

What I can tell you, is that things can and will get better. I lead a good life. The world is not full of people to be feared, and the sooner you leave, the sooner things will start getting slowly better.

 

Oh, and my father is works at a fracking/drilling orginization, and part of his job is writing propaganda releases for them. I'm a community organiser specifically working on preventing fracking in Dallas parks. My sister said it was very Greek epic like, all I need to do now is eat his heart or something. :biggrin:

 

Yeah...I had major issues with my dad when I was your age...it took quite a lot of time and work for us to get to where we are in our relationship now..which is great. My dad is definitely one of my best friends at this moment, but I never thought it would be that way.

My mom on the otherhand, we had a great relationship, or so I thought...up until I got into my first serious relationship. Things went downhill from there and I really didn't know why. I visited her a few times since and about twice I went on complete communication strikes with her. We would blow up at each other and not talk for awhile.

Now that I am living with her and have been for like 9 months now(yikes) I see and understand everything now...with some people you cannot make an effort if no effort is made from them. If you want to be insulted and have negative energy in your life maybe, but otherwise, it is your right to decide you don't want someone's negative influence affecting you regardless of who they are.

Now maybe Malia intuitively knew that she was going to finally reaching a transformation and that it would be so important as her last chance to have a real relationship with her father...but at your age, I would definitely look at disconnecting at least emotionally from this situation, learning some new communication skills and then going back in when you feel ready and see if it is possible to communicate with him and if it is worth it to work on that relationship and allow his energy to have an effect on your life again...it is important to be selective about who you allow in your heart...even or maybe especially family.

I know a lot of people who have severed ties with family because it was absolutely necessary... if it is going to cause you a lot of inner turmoil, do what is best for you and break away...if you think you can be honest and transparent and there might be some level of respect or sensitivity that can be sparked, try to transform the relationship, sure...but have no expectations, except that you will learn a lot about relationships based on how your relationships with your parents evolve or devolve.

Good luck.

 

thank you, this is all i needed to hear !!

 

i count it a blessing never to have felt that strongly about my parents, either of them, either way. they weren't rocket scientists, and i cut them a bit of slack that they weren't. whatever their intentions, they were far from either best or worst that they could have been.