I Feel Strange Enough To Cry

Discussion in 'Random Thoughts' started by honeyhannah, May 23, 2004.

  1. honeyhannah

    honeyhannah herbuhslovuh

    Okay so I've had the most emotional weekend ever in the world! yeah.
    One thing I'm not gonna talk about. The other thing I've posted already somewhere else. But those things are about other people. This is about me.

    When I was 15-16 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, it literally damaged my life as I knew it. That life ended when the relationship did. Mostly because my whole entire family was there when the breaking point unfolded and they were very avid about dragging it all through the ground.(or however that phrase goes.) It was really really hard on me, so I ended up moving because I was always so paranoid that this guy was stalking me, 'cause he kinda was, and he was spreading rumors, he was dating my ex-best friend, he was calling me saying horrible things, and I was crawling, clinging to the ground through everyday and everything I just wanted to hide forever.

    So it took a VERY long time to get over it, not him, but the state that he put me in, and I never really got over it completely, I'm still ridiculously protective of myself and absolutely horrible at expressing my feelings to people, especially verbally, I guess that's why I need to write, but anyway I was always so afraid since I've been back in town that I would see him again, or his stepmom, or his friends or anyone involved. And a few months ago his family moved up the street from my aunt's house, his brothers are my cousin's best friends now!

    So we were at my cousin's birthday party and his stepmom showed up and everyone's talking to her, and I was hiding behind people, refusing to look that way, pretending I didn't know she was there, until we were leaving and I couldn't ignore her anymore. I thought I would die, but I smiled at her while passing and I thought I was safe, but she spoke to me, 'are you honey?' I gulped glancing at her then looking away, 'yes', how old are you she asked 'twenty' aww you're so tiny just like your mom, she said. I smiled and that was it, I thought she would say more, I thought I would have an anxiety attack and I didn't!

    I'm so proud of myself, I feel like if I can overcome that(b/c she was awfully rude to me while I was still in that relationship, not to mention the way it fell apart!) I can overcome anything, maybe even talk to someone about it someday, then I'll know that it can't affect me anymore. I mean that is the single biggest event in my life that totally set me back in years, it really damaged me and to get to this point, when I didn't think I'd be able to look in anyone's eyes again, anyone, talking to his stepmom is HUGE!

    Yay me! Yay to letting the past stay where it is, and letting all the residue fade away! I'm so ready to get rid of all the weird side effects, and lingering phobias and so on that came with that relationship! I'm so over it!

    Yes! Now I'm happy!
     
  2. honeyhannah

    honeyhannah herbuhslovuh

    Wow! I'm sorry, I don't think I realized how much I wrote! It needed to come out though! Sorry!
     
  3. MarkN

    MarkN Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    Hi Hannah,
    I think from what you said that you have plenty of options. I don't know where you live, but in the US, you can call the police. Take out a " peace bond" on him. ( its a law that says he must not go with in 500 ft of you or something). Yes, yes.....I know that proably wouldn't stop anyone. However, the police would be aware of him. He would know the police knew about him. So that might deture him from trying anything. Some other stuff.....get a room mate. Travel with friends. Let as many people as you can know about this. ( real people, not the internet). I detest people that imtimidate others into victum roles. It make them feel powerful. But its just juvinile behavior.
    Most of it is going to have to come from inside you. Are you going to accept this "victum" role? GET MAD ABOUT IT! Shake your little fist in the air, and say, "I'm not going to take this shit from anyone!" Don't let that fear comsume you. Your more powerful than fear, rather you know it or not. Becareful who you call "friend" ( your girl friend didn't sound to hot either)
    Is mom or dad around? Get some support. Sorry to sound so daddy like. Keep us posted.
     
  4. Flux

    Flux Member

    Good for you, you. Just keep your fingers crossed that something really bad will happen to him (if he deserves it, which he probably does). I saw a girl go through that exact same situation, and I think it just about turned her manic/depressive. Could have been you, eh? Where abouts do you live? Did the asshole have red hair, and a face full of ugly freckles?

    I hope you've learned your lesson, and will next time choose one of us nice guys. Godamned, we don't get enough credit for not being dicks...

    BTW: Mr. Cellophane was my favorite song in that whole movie.

    Oh, and I hope your ex-friend gets hers too.
     
  5. MarkN

    MarkN Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    I'm not sure what time frame you are talking about. Did these things happen along time ago, and you are still carrying that fear? If that's the case....throw away that fear. He might have put that fear in you, but it was you that chose to keep it and feed it. Drop that fear, its self destructive.

    If on the other hand, if he is still making threats.....see the above thread.
     
  6. makno

    makno Senior Member

    spin the prick....mix a whole bottle of liquid cid wit some dmso and splash it in his fucking face!
     
  7. Dustinthewind

    Dustinthewind woopdee fucking doo

    Way to go honey!!! what a great hurdle to overcome!! :)
     
  8. Ginge

    Ginge Ye Olde Member

    Aww! I'm proud of you! [​IMG]

    One step at a time, love. :D Like Flux said, you should find yourself a nice boy! They really don't get enough credit for being the sweet beings that they are. And I hope that rat bastard of an ex gets what's coming to him.

    If you ever need/want to talk about anything, call me, okay? :)
     
  9. honeyhannah

    honeyhannah herbuhslovuh

    thanks a lot everyone, I really felt bad for putting this here, but I was trying to write it in my journal and it wouldn't come out, and I did want some sort of response, I was not disappointed at all!

    I have to say that I think my paranoia gets the better of me each time I come home, Mark I really could've used that advice a few years ago, but I couldn't even talk about then, couldn't admit that it was going on. No one knew the things he was doing to me. At this point I feel like I've gotten over it to an extent where maybe I don't have to be the victim anymore, although I really never was b/c I never really admitted to myself what happened. I'm taking your other advice and I'm engraving it into my mind, just in case! Thanks!

    For the most part I don't let it affect me, but I felt like the whole thing was being thrown in my face when his family moved close to my family. I was very paranoid and afraid I might see him, and there are some people at my school that are kinda suspicious. But I guess I don't care anymore whether it is my imagination or not, I think if I did see him today I would be fine. So I don't want to put anymore of my attention on this situation. You're right about everything though. Every one! It did 'turn' me manic-depressive if it is possible for one event to do that(although of course there were other things)

    Thank you so much Gingy you are such a sweetheart, so supportive, so caring! And flux where do you live, that is not me, but I have another friend who was in the same sorta situation! As for nice guys I think I found a not so nice one first and everyone after that had absolutely no chance, because I was so sure it would happen again. I think I'm good now!
    Yay!
     
  10. Ginge

    Ginge Ye Olde Member

    You're welcome!! :D [​IMG]
     
  11. honeyhannah

    honeyhannah herbuhslovuh

    Aww that is crazy cute! What would I do without you?
     

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