I Feel Hopeless.

So, I don't know where else to turn. I've never been a member of Hip Forums before, but I figured you were a group of nice, nonjudgmental people who could give me some real advice. This is going to be a long write, so I'll get started.

I'm just not very happy with my life right now. And I don't know what more I can do about it. Long story short, I just don't feel like I'm good at anything. I work hard to be the best person that I can be, but compared to others I just feel outclassed. I always feel like I'm not good enough.

I'm in great physical shape for my body. I run 2 miles every single day. I haven't missed a day in over a year. I also do what I can to lift and do crunches. I like the way my body looks. But I'm pretty short for a guy, being only 5'5", and I'm not a good athlete. If I try to play any sports or athletics, no matter how good my shape is, I just get out-competed. Who cares if I look good for my body when many other people look better? Yeah, I do what I can, but it's just one area where I feel like I'm not good enough. This will be a theme throughout this post.

I'm doing pretty well in school. I'm set to graduate college with a double major in economics and political science. I'm due to graduate in December, meaning I'll be graduating a semester early. My grades are good, I've never received a course grade below a B. But again, it just doesn't feel good enough. My school honestly isn't very good, and I feel like it's not a big deal if I do well here. I could have gotten into a better school, but I chose this one out of laziness and because it is in the same town as my high school. Furthermore, my performance has shown me that I'm not a genius. I'm just an average, maybe slightly above average schmuck. Odds are I'm not going anywhere special, so what's the point?

I game. Alot. I'm not going to say where, but I spend alot of my time playing MMO games on my computer. And I lose. And I rage. Alot. I've punched holes in my walls over this. Yes, I do indeed feel silly talking about it. But it's a serious issue for me. I feel like I don't have alot going for me, so when I lose at a game, it just makes me feel worse. I invest alot of time into this. And to just be an average to above average user, it's not good enough. It further reduces my self-esteem. But at the same time, I love gaming, and I don't know what I'd do without it. It's a sad addiction, and I hate it.

So now for some background. I'm 21. I recently quit smoking weed and drinking. I quit drinking because it would turn me into a monster, and I quit smoking weed because it gave me the munchies and made me feel fat. The only drug I take is DMT every few months which I extract myself. I'm agnostic, and I don't plan on changing that. I believe in a higher power, but I think most religions have it wrong. Long story short, I believe "god" is nothing more than energy and light, and we are all in fact "god". Basically, I'm spiritual, but not very religious.

I don't have many friends. I'm shy, and I feel as though I'm uninteresting to be around. I don't relate well with many people. Most people think I'm weird. My social life is almost non-existent. Since I don't drink or smoke or play sports or game at a high-level, or do most activities that college students enjoy, I'm mostly an outcast. I constantly feel as though I don't fit in.

I guess I should say now, I'm also not very artistic. I was a vocalist before screamo went out of style, which is too bad because I enjoyed that. The music scene for that genre is dead. Now I'm a mediocre bassist, but honestly I don't enjoy the instrument very much. I know you gotta practice to get better, but I prefer running and gaming to playing bass. I also can't draw or do anything artsy. Again, I fail at artistic endeavors.

I don't have family I can talk to. My mom constantly nags me for not having a girlfriend. By the way, I'm 21, and I've never had a girlfriend, which also makes me feel like crap. My mom actually thinks I'm gay because I never have a girl to show her. Since she's always nagging me about my lack of a relationship, we don't communicate very often.

Also, when I was younger, my mom would always tell me I'm not good enough. She is an alcoholic, which probably explains alot. But it just hurt to be a little kid and have your mom always shower you with disapproval. That's probably why today I always sell myself short. I was never smart enough for her. I was never good-looking enough for her. I was never athletic enough for her. I never met her expectations. She always made me feel worthless. Like I didn't matter. And that's how I feel today. I don't meet the standards I place upon myself.

My father is always busy with work, and he shuns me if I try to talk to him about my problems. Basically he's too proud to admit that his son (me) is a fuck up so he just ignores me. Who can blame him? My sister is too busy taking ecstasy and having sex with her boyfriend to listen to me. She actually has a decent social life. Even though her grades aren't as good as mine, she gets more praise because of her confidence and ability to socialize.

I'm thinking of committing suicide. And it really sucks to say that. No really, it seriously sucks. And I'm not just saying this on a whim either. I feel depressed almost every night. And there's no way I'm going on medication.

Which reminds me, for the past few months, I've also been working to clean up my pineal grand. I'm convinced that the US government is poisoning its citizens by putting fluoride into the water system. Hence, I've stopped consuming tap water, I got fluoride-free toothpaste, and I got a water filter for my shower. I've also been trying to detox through tamarind, cilantro, cacao nibs, apple cider vinegar, kelp, msm, borax, and cod liver oil, I've also been a vegetarian for the past 2 months. I feel very physically healthy.

I mention all that because I'm not going to take medication for depression. I don't want Prozac or any of that crap which is basically fluoride in a pill. Like I said, the only drug I take these days is self-extracted DMT every few months. I'm not going to a psychologist, none of that is for me.

But I'm at my wits end. Every day, I'm alone and depressed. I feel like I'm never good enough. I'm convinced that I'm never going to be happy. I'm probably never going to have a girlfriend. I'm probably never going to meet the expectations of my parents. I'm probably never going to find anything I excel at. I'm probably never going to live up to the standards I set for myself. I'm not enjoying the ride of life. And I've been feeling this way for a long, long time. I don't know what to do any more.

I'm in a very calm mood as I'm writing this. I'm not on any game-rage or anything. And obviously, I'm stone cold sober. I'm looking at this from a rational standpoint. I'm just done. I don't know what else I can do. If I'm never going to be happy, and I know happiness is subjective, then what is the point? Suicide seems like such a rational answer. Why go through life if I'm not enjoying it. I consider those around me. I don't have many friends who would care. My family might be upset at first, but they would get over it. My DMT trips say that I will enjoy death. It just seems so logical. But I don't want to just jump into such a big decision as death. I don't want to do anything crazy or irrational until I'm absolutely sure it's what I want.

What I do know, is that I don't feel very happy with myself. I need to dig myself out of this. Now. But I don't know where to begin. And if I can't get out of this hole, then I need to end my life now before I'm a depressed old man.

Please help. Any advice or wisdom is greatly appreciated. Take care.

 

Suicide is too final....there is no hope after that....
you just hang on....You are good enough. Keep telling yourself that, and please, don't kill yourself.....There are hotlines to call if you really feel that way. It is not the answer. Really, it isn't. Figure out what you want out of life and forget not being good enough about it....I don't know what else to say, except that this post scares me...I am scared for you.

 

I think you will fit in fine here. I would bet money that 99% of the members here related with at least a couple of things you said and 50% probably related with most of what you said.

-Stop taking dmt.
-Talk to a counselor if you can.
-If you can't talk to a counselor, do some reading on the web or buy a book about depression.
-The government is not out to poison anyone (except powerful people on other countries that could affect the wealth of our richest - I'm assuming you are from U.S., no offense haha)
-Just be yourself (if you dont know who that is, you are not alone) and start posting more. I can tell by your other post in another thread that you are a thinker. You'll do fine. Just try not to become addicted to this forum...Seriously.

 

A certain percentage will find that to be a TL;DR post too. =p
And we'll agree with Moonglow and Expanse out of respect. =]

 

I've only gotten part way through your post and it will take me a while to write a reply.

You may want to check out www.suicideforum.com.

It may take me a while to write a reply, so please check back and don't do anything drastic.

 

Thanks you guys, I can tell you genuinely care.

Expanse, I respectfully disagree with you in regards to DMT and the government. I think DMT is a wonderful drug when used in moderation, like every few months the way that I use it. And I will continue to use it the way that I do because I believe it is one of the few positive aspects of my life.

And I am convinced the government is poisoning Americans (yes, I am from the US haha). I've done quite a bit of research on fluoride, and there is no other explanation. I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but that's the way it is. I will continue to avoid fluoride, as I have felt better since I began taking steps to avoid it. I feel more physically healthy and the dreams I have at night are more vivid and easily remembered. If I cannot convince you, then we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

I'm still depressed, but I feel a little bit better. I think I'm going to try and cut back on gaming and take a break as long as I can. I went and uninstalled one of the main games that I play alot. It was making me very frustrated and hurting my self-esteem. I'll see how I can do without it for a little while.

I'm thinking of filling that gap by running more. I already run two miles a day, every day. I'm considering beginning training for a marathon. I know it will take alot of work if I decide to do this, but I think it could be a realistic goal. Plus the running community is extremely supportive from what I hear.

Suicide is still on my mind. I'm depressed tonight, just like I was last night, and the night before that, etc etc. But I've told myself that I'm not going to do anything, at least until I finish college in December. I've worked hard to get this far in school, and I'm going to finish no matter what. And who knows, maybe something will come along by then or something will change and I will no longer have any desire for suicide. But I'm giving myself at the very least until December to try and make things better. If I still feel the way that I do now by then, well at least I gave it several months before making such a big decision.

And I think I'll be visiting Hipforums alot more. Thanks you guys!

 

:cheers2: yep, you'll do fine here.

 

Bro I wouldnt dare commit suicide. Ive had 14 friends blow their heads off in the past 4 years. I tried 2 years ago after my friend had shot himself, his parents told me during the funeral that if I ever have anything going on in my life that I need help with to just come out to my family and be open and honest about everything.

I admitted to my parents my attempted suicide, they were very understanding and willing to help me get better.

If you want medication for depression, you WILL have to see a psychatrist, no way around it, not a therapist either, it has to be a licensed psychatrist, not psychologist

What has helped me in life with getting through social situations and such is this simple line I would tell myself, "Fuck it, who cares what anybody thinks, you wont see them again in your life probably, and even if they got shit to say, I dont give a fuck, its my life and I dont care what somebody has to say". Also when talking to girls, which seems you may have a problem with, the line I used to help was "fuck it, the worst you can get is a no, which if you get a no, your in the same spot you were before you asked the girl out, so why not try and at least give yourself a chance".

I feel for you bro, suicide is an epidemic in my area and I definetly advise thinking strongly about the impact.

In a year from now or so, you might look back on this time in your life and think, wow I was actually thinking about doing that? What was I thinking?

Hope you can get any help you might need, but I advice not taking medication, its for some people but the ones I tried for my depression only made me worse. A lot of the meds take months to detox off of too.
Goodluck and dont give up, you always can come here to talk to people if you have nobody else.

 

Hitler was experimenting with Sodium Flouride as a mind controlling drug.
Flouride is a powerful mind controlling element.

 

If you learn not to compare yourself to others, then you will be good enough. If you are grateful for what you have you can be happier than people that you think have more than you.

Regular exercise can be good for you, but it can also be bad for you sometimes.

A 1/2 hour of aerobic activity everyday (or almost everyday) just up to the level of barely breaking a sweat will give you the benefits of exercise without negative aspects. A brisk walk might be adequate.

Heavy sweating and high impact sports can have some negative consequences.

If you enjoy doing screamo, I don't see any reason why you should stop.

My guess is that there is some screamo scene out there somewhere, however small. Even if you can't find an audience, you could still find a band. Even if you can't find a band to play with, you could do it on your own.

Maybe screamo will come back into style someday, and then you will be the king of screamo. Or maybe you will have a cult following in the underground screamo scene. Or maybe you will have fun playing with your screamo band, even if you play to empty open mike sessions. Or maybe you'll just love being a screamo vocalist, and that will make it all worthwhile.

Your mom probably has some self esteem issues herself, and so she projects all of that on to you.

Your dad probably has trouble confronting problems. Otherwise, he wouldn't be married to an alcoholic and not doing anything to try to fix what is going on.

Family therapy would probably be a good idea, but your parents may be at a level where they are not prepared to admit that there is a problem, and that they are part of it.

You could try to get counseling on your own though. There might be counseling available through your school. If you can't afford private counseling, sometimes there is lower cost counseling available, including group therapy.

You can visit www.211.org or try calling 211 for more information about local services.

[edit. I did this post bit by bit, and I didn't read down to the part where you said that you don't want to go to therapy. I am advocating therapy, but it might sound like I'm pushing it harder than I intend to]

There are problems with medication, but if someone is at risk for suicide, a little medication is probably a good idea.

You may want to check out my super-duper treating depression and anxiety thread http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=485960&f=385

The traditional chinese medicine perspective on fluoride is that it supplements the kidneys and enriches yin, and strengthens the bones and teeth.

There's really nothing bad about it from this perspective. Enriching yin might make you a little more mellow, but that's not a bad thing. You can also do things to strengthen the yang qi too if you want to be more active.

I'm not sure that the stuff you are taking is removing fluoride from your system. It could be helping you for other reasons though.

The chinese medicine perspective (if you've seen enough of my previous posts, you'll know that I'm always saying one thing or another about chinese medicine) is that you should not take any liver derived supplement or food from about feb. to april. Too hard to explain.

There may be some alternatives for you in treating depression. Medication is not necessarily always a bad thing though.

If you are not able to get better through other means, seeing a therapist might be a good idea. It's your choice, but you may be cheating yourself here. No guarantee that it would help you, but could still be worthwhile.

I could see a support group for people who have had an alcoholic parent helping you. You'd probably find that you have a lot in common with them.

Sometimes negative experiences can help you make positive realizations. Maybe chasing after the stuff that you're supposed to want and supposed to do is unnecessary or counterproductive to achieving happiness.

I don't believe in trying to talk anyone out of suicide. Rather, what I would say is that there is probably a way for you to make your life better and to be glad that you are alive. Everyone's going to die eventually, so there's no need to rush it. If there's really something good about life, this may be your only chance to find it.

I don't know how your parents would react. If you're parents care about you at all though, they would probably be devastated.

There was a study of life stressors, and out of major stressors like loss of job, divorce, death of spouse, and death of a child, death of a child was number one. Maybe it would be different for them, I don't know.

So maybe you feel fucked up, but basically there's no way you could not be fucked up if you are from a fucked up family. Part of why I hope that you go to therapy is that if you can start to get out from under the bullshit that you've been living with, you might be able to help your family out too. They're probably more screwed than you imagine.

As far as the DMT goes, I don't know much about that.

From a secular perspective, your mind is just under the influence of a drug, and therefor the whole "you'll enjoy death" thing is just a reflection of the negative views that you've been experiencing.

Maybe you embrace the idea that you are getting advice from spirits while on DMT. If that's so though, I don't know of any spiritual tradition in which anyone other than evil spirits advises someone to commit suicide.


Hope that this helps and that things can get better soon!

 

Thanks for the replies. I just want to clear some things up.

I don't want any medication. I said that in my original post.

Also, my parents are divorced, and they have been for many years. My dad couldn't stand being married to an alcoholic... even though he drinks about a bottle of wine a night. Long story short, my dad is a functioning alcoholic, and my mom is a non-functioning alcoholic.

And as far as the fluoride thing goes, I think I'm on the right track, here's a good source.

http://www.hangthebankers.com/how-to-decalcify-the-pineal-gland/

 

I've felt hopeless many times and I'm still dealing with depression. You say you're a fuck up but I don't really see anything in your post that reveals you're a fuck up or even that your life is horrible. Maybe you're just lonely. Get out more and meet people, spend time outdoors. I'm sort of a fuck up but I'm also compassionate and kind hearted and an open minded person and that's how I get by, knowing that I'm a good person and not complete scum. It seems you just have issues because of your mother. That's horrible for a mother to put her child down like that. You didn't deserve that.. and since you don't want to take medication, then I suggest seeing a therapist so you can talk to someone about your problems and they can help you get to the root cause, which sounds like it must be your mom. I see a therapist which helps me a lot and I'm also on medication which I would rather not take but it seems in this moment in time I need it or I'll really fall into a deep depression that is hard to climb out of..

 

Thanks RainyDayHype.

Alot of you have said to see a therapist, but I don't think I have the money to see one right now. I'm hoping talking with you guys is enough!

And I'll try to get our more and meet more people, even though I'm not very good at it. But I'll do my best and see what happens.

 

I like your thinking, why pay a stranger to hear you out when there's several strangers on here to do it for you. ^.^

 

If you read some about depression, you'll see a lot written about your "inner voice". That is you telling yourself that you are a fuck up. It can be in word or pictures or just pure emotion. RainyDayHype is right, it could be from they way your mom treated you. You have to think though that your mom is only human and she did what she did based on her experiences through life. Not everyone has the tools to know how to deal with their own issues (as you know yourself from dealing with your depression).

No matter what your mom or anyone else has said and done to you, it's not a reflection of your worth; it's a reflection of their lack of skills in dealing with things. You need to find a way to see that for yourself.

 

You should look into low-income counseling.
I used to go for $3 for 45 minutes. The county covered the rest.

 

211 can probably help set you up with a low cost or free therapist. There's also group therapy, which is usually cheaper, and support groups, which are often free.

your school may have some counseling services available too.

 

Mainly, find your own voice....
Good luck!

 

Being brought up with a critical parent is harsh, I know, you end up having these impossible goals you eventually set yourself that you cannot fulfil. Eventually though, this does get better, distance from your parents and setting up your own life independently will help you to get comfortable with you, then you can learn to accept who you are. If you're average, then you pretty much fit in. If you have insecure feelings, then you pretty much fit in. Paying attention to other peoples' problems can help keep your mind off your own, because otherwise you end up in a cycle of negative thoughts, you need to break the pattern, shift the attention. I have posted this site before on here, but it's the only one I know of online that has good reviews, so if you don't feel like talking to anyone in person, perhaps you can get on with this: https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

Hitler was a hollow earth conspiracy theorist who sent people to the south pole to point their telescopes up to try to spy on the allies in the Atlantic.

Just because Hitler did it doesn't make it right :2thumbsup: