i don't care.

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Pablo, May 11, 2004.

  1. Pablo

    Pablo Member

    What is it that won’t let me say it?
    When I try I find my gears have stuck
    No will, no power, a loss of words

    The fact is I don’t care anymore
    And I've forgotten how
    But then why cant I
    Why don’t I want to tell you?
    If it’s broken why can’t I throw it out

    Memory is all this brings back
    And the memory is sad
    I don’t want it to be empty
    And so it fills it's self
    with everything I've lost

    It's empty now, no
    A broken shell is not empty
    just full of something else
    That wasn’t meant to be there


    It is all I have

    A hatched shell of the space inside
    It's gone
     
  2. Incubus

    Incubus Banned

    Reminded me of the things I try and forget about, the things in my mind I put as far back as possible, the hurt, the shame the pain... I dont know if thats what your poem was aimed at but it sure was a powerful piece.
     
  3. Pablo

    Pablo Member

    sorry man, misery loves company. But then im over this now so i guess there was no need to get you like that.
     
  4. veinglory

    veinglory Member

    What is it that won’t let me say it?
    ---The repitition of 'it' seems just a bit odd. You could use 'won't let me speak'?
    When I try I find my gears have stuck
    No will, no power, a loss of words
    ---good metaphor
    ---I suggest not using the double spacing. This works well on paper but not so well on 'screen'. (IMHO)


    The fact is I don’t care anymore
    And i've forgotten how
    ---I see a lot of people use small 'i' in poetry now, but in my opinion it still looks odd and even faintly juvenile. e e cummings got away with it but still...

    But then why cant I
    ---can't
    Why don’t I want to tell you?
    If it’s broken why can’t I throw it out
    ---I like the picture you are building up but the use of 'it' seems a bit unpoetic?

    The memory is all it brings back
    ---You could remove 'the'
    And the memory is sad
    I don’t want it to be empty
    And so it fills it's self
    ---itself?
    The broken pieces cut me
    ---It fits here but cutting images are becoming something of a cliche.

    Its empty now, no
    ---It's
    A broken shell is not empty
    ---original idea, nice
    It’s just full of something else
    That wasn’t meant to be there

    I like this last verse.
    Overall I think each verse is good but you could strengthen the theme running through the entire pieace by using the metaphors more consistently throughout i.e. gear, shell etc


    It is all I have

    The hatched shell of the space inside
    It's gone
     
  5. Pablo

    Pablo Member

    yeh ill get that, the double spacing doesnt look good to me either, the text editer did that on its own. I like your criticism, all the stuff you say is something i...oops, that is... I had been disatisfied with myself but coulden't put a finger on, so thanks.
     
  6. what a lose to feel so apart from this life love...

    lovely piece reflecting a long path from sadness to peace of heart and mind again

    it reminded me of how i felt long ago before i moved on
    to newer pastures of life and love ............

    love n peace from saff

    keep writing it brings out so much for yourself and others....
     
  7. Pablo

    Pablo Member

    thank you, i will, im glad i wrote this, because if i hadent i couldent remember the feeling i felt when i wrote it. Not what it was really like anyway. Poems like these kinda serve as photos for emotions to me. and i wrote it cause i even want to remember the bad ones.
     
  8. too right pablo sometimes the bad things get us through
    as well as the good in emotions..

    i write also to reflect and remember all i have experienced
    and your poem was very telling on how you were at that moment
    so to look at this again for you yourself i bet you smiled
    in a way for now you will feel alittle different and the thoughts
    will have moved on too

    photos in words lovely ..
    love n peace from saff
     

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