"I can't come into work today because..."

I said already I was busy having sex with my gf. Do I have to repeat that?!

 

my feet smell

 

I see dead people....:-0

 

i'm going for a haircut

 

I have a horrendous gushing nosebleed

 

there's ice on the roads, the kind my tyres have never seen.

 

im celebrating the first day of the rest of my life

 

i've sniffed the last of it

 

I just had a heart attack

 

my stomach ulser's just burst

 

Im out of colonostomy bags

 

I can't find my penis...

 

i ate my shoes

 

my computer crashed..................into my car

 

the cat (r.i.p.) clawed my eyeball out of it's socket

 

I have a barium enema scheduled for the afternoon

 

If I did Id beat you to within an inch of your life

 

im not happy with the working conditions

 

Ive decided that at 33 its time for me to retire

 

i've just had a close encounter with a jehovvah's witness!!