"I can't come into work today because..."

I just puked a little in my mouth

 

i've lost my wig

 

my feet smell really really bad

 

my toilet flowed backwards

 

someone's robbed me suit off the washing line.

 

i need to bathe my cat

 

my vd is flaring up

 

i walked under a ladder

 

i have a recurring nosebleed

 

because i'm too stoned to function

 

it's raining

 

i'm harboring a fugitive

 

i've got no tobacco

 

iiiiii shot the sheeerif! But I didn't shoot no deputy, woah no, noooooo!

 

i'm needed at home.

 

I dont work on sundays

 

i've got the hershey squirts

 

...Ooh me Hemeroids!

 

im going christmas shopping

 

its thanksgiving in canada