"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

Theres a naked chick on my bed, and I'm trying to get her off.

 

Someone broke into my apartment and rearranged my spice rack. There's cayenne after cumin, anise has been moved to the post saffron area...this is going to take me all day.

 

I cant find my....um....well I cant find the words.......

 

Stepped on some kibble.

 

I just don't want to.......

 

Fell in a hole. Be in as soon as my cousin brings a rope.

 

My new sweater is kind of scratchy.

 

Its just too damn hot!

 

I don't feel like putting on clothes.

 

I received an email from a friend and it said that if I forward it on I will receive $100,000 for every person I forward it too....So in the post today I should receive my check for $2,000,000 personally signed by Bill Gates.
Infact I am quitting all together, I have enjoyed my 35 years with the company, and as you can probably imagine this email was just to lucrative to pass up!

 

I burnt my scrotum ironing again.

 

I'm too slippery. And I'm out of salad oil.

 

My tie is on fire.....

 

I have that "not so fresh feeling"...

 

Got socked in the eye by a champagne cork over New Year's

 

Rolled my ankle playing raquetball.

 

I've gone blind and I have grown hair on my palms. (I don't know how this happened)

 

I am trapped under the refrigerator.

 

Stigmata

 

I've eaten too much over the holiday season and I cant find my Hawaiin Kaftan!