"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

I threw my back out having sex with your dad.

 

...I hate everyone I work with.

 

I know that everyone at work hates me! ​

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your daughter has me tied to your bed.

 

because of the earthquake, and the cops have yellow tape stretched out all the way accrossed the contry side and they said on the news they'd shoot to kill anyone they caught trying to cross it.

=^^=
.../\...

 

i'm trying to become a pornstar.

 

too stinky, water heater froze solid.......

 

The mayor just declared marital law, and I cant leave my home until I become married.

 

too fat........

 

I slipped and fell in a bottle of vodka

 

amnesia, cain't member nuttin..........

 

The Golden Girls are on! ​

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i died. alot. all over the carpet. and now i have to clean it up.

 

I have another job I have to go to​

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I've spontaniously combusted and I'm aware of our company's no smoking while on duty policy.

 

I'm afraid to leave my house ​

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I put my G-String on back to front and nearly cut myself in half.

 

I am handcuffed to my bed and can't find that damn cuff key ​

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I have handcuffed a cool chick from Arkansas to her bed and I am looking for the handcuff key!

 

I decided to go to San Francisco ​