"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

i think this ones prime

 

phish reunited and were celebrating

 

I murdered a prostitute last night and I'm still trying to fit all remaining parts of her into the freezer.

 

my friend stuck his weenie n a bottle and were still tryin to get it out...

 

it's too fucking COLD to get out of bed.

 

I won a lifetime supply of Chex Mix, and I am working my way through all of it.

 

fuck you boss, im goin fly fishing

 

Dolly Parton marathon on CMT

 

I got a case of m&m's...and im picking out all the green ones

 

i cant handle life anymore boss, i hate myself and want to die. goodbye cruel world.....*BANG*

 

Vision Trouble - Just can't see coming in...

 

A man called in to work with a sick headache but the boss wouldn't let him off. He said, "Whenever I get a sick headache I make love to my wife, and in a while I feel better and I come in to work. Try that." In a while he calls back and says "Man you were right boss. That worked great! I'll be in in a little while. By the way, you really have a nice house!"

 

I am trying to catch that pesky flu bug

 

i got impaled by a giant icicle

 

lol good one!

 

ive been quarantined for having tha gona-herpa-cyphilese!

 

its raining men

 

Different Strokes reruns are on.

 

I think today is the day they air the episode of "COPS" where I got arrested for soliciting a tranny prostitute.

 

i stubbed my pussy