"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

The Spaceship dumped me off at this gas staion out in the desert...and i cant make it into work ....i cant even get home right now......

 

to stop my son from going out last night, I swallowed the car keys and I'm still waitin'...

 

I threw my back out humping your wife

 

a dingo stole my baby

 

im trippin nuts and cant find my way to work

 

I took ten viagra last night and none of my trousers will fit.

 

Ahahahahaha!

 

...I have a razor blade lodged in my cervix.

 

i murdered my chemical romance and now my nieghborhood is flooded with emo tears

 

the valentines are piled so high, I can't get out the door.

 

It's my fiancee's birthday and I wanna go kayaking with her.

 

my eco-friendly car is out of gas and my wife just used the last of the eco-fuel to cook breakfast and I refuse to buy anything at the local shop 'cos they are muslims and we are in a war against terror and I don't want to support that bearded Al Bin Laden guy's attempts to take away my liberty in this great country.

 

WoW came out with another expansion.

 

I wish I had the guts to use these...

I cant come to work because I lost the house keys, I'm locked in.

Sorry I cannot take the job, When I was but a youngster a wise man told me that there are two days a year that if you work you will surely die. I was so young that I forgot to ask what those two days were and now because of fear I cannot work any day of the year.

I can't(grunt) come in to (grunt) work today, I HAVE (grunt) EXPLOSIVE DIARREA!!!!!!

 

if I leave my senile grandmother alone, I'm afraid she'll eat the cat.

 

i slipped on a banana peel and injured my tail bone.

 

a mountain goat has me pinned to a closet door

 

working is overrated.

 

my dog or cat is really sick throwing up and shitting all over the place so i need to stay and watch him/her so they dont die or ruin my carpet. My mom used that once to get out of work before.

 

i was in a high speed pogo stick accident and suffered massive head trauma