"I Can't Come In To Work Today Because..."

I wish I could tell you, but the reasons are matters of national security, so unfortunately I can neither confirm nor deny whether I will be at work today.

 

im doing allahs work. (boss might call fbi)

 

killing myself at 10am..

 

I have to separate uranium isotopes and install a mercury tamper switch onto a titanium encased, 128 bit encrypted, programmable digital timing circuit board.

 

I cant stop dancing.

 

l'm sleeping for the day..

 

Im making cake for disabled people. You wouldnt deprive disabled people of cake would you?

 

l'll be binge drinking..

 

I caught disco fever from Bedlam

 

I'm going to get drunk in the park and mug an old lady..

 

I have to go save the old lady from being mugged

 

l'm cleaning the house cause we had a party last night?

 

I am making a soft porn video for Madonna

 

l'm glueing my fingers to the keyboard..

 

I'm not into it

 

l'm lost in the ocean..

 

I'm feeling a tad peckish and somewhat verklempt this morning so I think I need to go down to the pub and tip back a few jars of Guinness instead.

 

Because I am chasing my dream to become a fire truck!!!!!

 

cuz its none of your fucking business, so fuck off and then maybe i'll come in tomorrow mr. fuckhead.

 

my nuts are raosting