I have been with my partner for almost 3.5 years now and we have a 2 year old together. I am so fed up with him. We have been in the shelter 2 months now, I have had 3 different jobs since we've been here (left the first Job, found another but left that one after a week for the Job I've wanted for years) he still has not found a Job! On top of that, he is lazy, unmotivated and the sex is terrible! He is a one minute man literally, doesn't know how to fuck at all and it's making me unable to tolerate him. I need some type of advice. I care for him but he cannot do a thing for me. I want him around for my child's sake and I've always wanted to be with one guy and have kids by one guy but I honestly don't think we are going to last.
Has he always been this way? Or is his attitude dysfunctional only recently? I don't think it fair to blame someone regardless of gender for not being able to find a job, especially in these economic times. Learn from what happened to couples in the Great Depression. He's got to pull his own weight in other ways though. The sex was always terrible? If it's terrible only recently it's probably due to stress.
Tough one. There are lots of different ways this could go depending on the circumstances. However it happened and whatever happens in the future....staying together just because of a kid is usually not the best thing. You don't have to be a wife/spouse to be a parent and as Dr. Phil (or someone) says "A child would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home"...or something like that. That said...none of us have lived your life. You should take our opinions as just that. Opinions. Only you know what's right for you.
You shouldn't have had a child with this man. Don't make that mistake again. 1 and a half years seems like an awfully quick time to decide someone is mating material. But in response to wizardofodd, it's been statistically proven that children do better in homes with both natural parents. They are more likely to have successful relationships and more likely to be financially successful and emotionally content. However, in agreement with him; if the father is a bad role model when he's with you, and furthermore if you are a bad role model when you're with him; it's time to split.
Does he provide love? Does he love you even though YOU have nothing material for him? Because lets face it, its a two way street you have nothing just the same way he has nothing. Get yourself out of the shelter, but don't look to him to solve all of your problems. No man or woman, no person can do this for us. Focus on work, and take it day by day. If need be, hour by hour. I think you're probably just really really stressed right now, so any little thing is getting on your nerves. And he's probably going through the same exact feelings. This can affect a persons sex drive. But really don't focus on that right now, what good is it to drop him anyway? You thinking about trading up? Some chicks are like that. I think you should stick it out with him. Give him a break the guy is in just a bad situation as you. He probably feels like shit. Life isn't about everything going smoothly, and being perfect. Shit happens, what matters is how you handle it. Try to focus on what you DO have instead of what you don't. Smile together, life is too short.
That's probably fair. But again...none of us have enough info to really know what you know. Any number of our posts may be fair but still not accurately address what you have going on....mine included. But I wish you the best of luck.
If you are unhappy and can't tolerate him, why would you keep around for the child's sake? For what, so the child can hear the two of you argue and fight and learn his lazy ways. Doesn't sound like he's providing, either. You mentioned that you worked, but never that he did. And you are in a shelter. That's not beneficial for a child in any way. Sex only lasts for a minute because he's just trying to cum and quit. He doesn't care about you and your needs or too much of anything for that matter. So, if you let him go, what are you really going to lose? A whole lot of nothing. Try and do better for you and your child. Get somewhere safe out of that shelter, maybe with a friend or family member. I say, ditch him.
I'm not clear... for me what would matter is... 'Is he genuinely trying?' I he possibly suffering from depression, in which case a supportive partner is what is needed, not someone throwing wood onto the fire. I do believe that a parent will give a child as much love as they can. Granted that may not be very much given other stressful circumstances going on between you two. You guys are in a shelter, he has a partner and child and is without work. That would certainly be acting on my perception of self worth, especially as the supposed natural head of a family. If he isn't trying and doesn't care... I agree, he is a poor role model and you and your child are better off without him. If he acts lovingly towards you and your child, I would say that is a good start. Sexual dysfunction is also related to stress, and there are things that can be done to improve the situation. A supportive partner being one of the best things! If he is selfish and isn't at all interested in your fulfilment.. then I would be concerned. RE: Work, maybe sit with him and go through his CV with him and try to sharpen it. Help him write a job application. It can be hard for someone who is depressed to dig themself out of the shit. ... and it sounds like you guys are pretty close to it. I don't know. I guess I am just from a school of thought that doesn't give up on something until it is dead. I would be more concerned if he was violent, had alcohol / gambling / or substance abuse issues. If he is loving towards you and none of those preceding point... maybe stop beating him up and bat on his team for a while.
So, you broke up a year ago, got back together sometime after April, and in September wound up in a shelter? And lost the job you had in the spring? Partner isn't the only issue going on here. Decide if you are willing to work with him for the benefit of your child, even with lousy sex. If you would rather go it alone, you can really only go up from where you are. Hold on to the job. Parent the child. Sex comes third here.
I agree. Sex is just not important at this time in your life..it's okay let it go. You can work on that when things get better otherwise. Communication would be more important, making sure you're on the same page, being able to encourage each other and build each other up as well as support each other emotionally...and of course above all things, the child. If he is depressed you'll need to talk to him about that and give him a reality check...it's affecting the kid, he'll need to acknowledge how he feels and work on fixing it. Good luck to you.
Thank you for the replies everyone. I'm mobile right now so it would take forever to quite everyone. Anyways, he loves his daughter, he is a great dad but he has to be a man. Honestly, I don't think he knows how to be one, his father was abusive towards his.mother and on drugs he was barely around and definitely didn't show him how to be a man. He was babied by his mother which did not help him. He has no real work experience besides the marines and he made a bad decision by not going active. His own fears and insecurities are hindering him from succeeding and it's affecting everyone. I've never lost a Job I left a crappy Job for a new Job then left that one for the job I've wanted for years. I don't want to do it alone but I feel alone when I'm the only one working. I often have to tel him to do something or be on his back until he does it, it's stressful and I feel like I have two kids not one. Sex is just another problem, he has never lasted long but I figured since I am his first sexual partner, he is inexperienced but he doesn't care about sex. I have to practically beg him for oral and he has no personality or life in bed. I feel like giving up all the time but I do believe in him, well I did, now I'm not too sure about him anymore. I am hoping once he gets a job he will gain confidence and self worth and a love for life and maybe that will wake him up.
Can you get into some couple's counseling? It sounds like he might be majorly depressed and have a whole lot of personal, mental work he needs to do. It sounds daunting. I know what it's like to feel like you have to be the mom to an adult man. I would look for outside help to improve things and maybe look at that thread about divorced man gives marriage advice.
In a rare moment, I agree with VG (and while I often disagree, I respect his POV). What do you mean by "be a man?"
I agree it sounds like depression. How old is he? I don't care what the problem is with him. He needs to get his ass up and find a job even if it's at Mcdonalds or delivering paper. He has a daughter now and needs to help support her.
Perfect relationships don't exist. Life is about the journey, not the arrival. No matter what age, you will always have some kind of a challenge before you. I am reading you here and I see that you need strength to handle the difficulty, not just a solution to each problem. Maybe you can take comfort in knowing that this too, like problems you overcame before, shall pass. Does he take care of your child while you attempt to find work? Maybe you could see that as effort / a trade off and add some value in him.
From my outsider perspective. Dump him. Move on. It may seem way to difficult, but you will be better off. So will your child. He may be a better part-time dad, who knows. Also, you say partner which IMHO means your not married. If not, DUMP HIM and move on. You will be much better off. Sure there are some moments that things are ok, but it sounds like the bad far outweighs the good. That just is not healthy for you or your kid. Actually it is not good for him either. Good luck
OP, I have to ask, if this guy is so much of a deadbeat, why on earth did you get together with him in the first place? It's not like people just turn into deadbeats overnight. Did you not see any of these signs when you were dating him or were you living in fantasy land hoping things would get better? Sounds like your situation is not good, but remember it's decisions you made which got you into this situation. So don't go blaming all this on your deadbeat partner. Choices YOU made along the way lead to where you are at today. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but this doesn't sound like a case of him being injured and now he's unemployed or something. This sounds like a case of you getting together with a deadbeat and just waking up to it after 3+ years... From here what should you do? Well if everything you've said is actually true it sounds like you either need to put your foot down and get some changes (which aren't likely) or move on with your life, which will be hard but may be for the greater good. Again remember nobody forced your hand to stick it out with this guy over the last 3+ years and yes having a child did complicate things, but again that was YOUR CHOICE to do so. Take some responsibility for your situation, man up (or grow a pair) and start thinking of the right choices for you and your child, and make them... Good luck
