I Am Turned On In My Mind But Can't Keep An Erection Or Orgasm During Sex!

Hi all, first post here and hoping somebody can please offer some advice to what has become an awful problem for me

I have always had a very high sex drive, more-so in my mind than anything - I think about sex a lot and desire sexual interaction a lot, and I know how to please a woman - I wouldn't say I've had loads of sexual partners, but I've never really had any problems in my penis department. Until now.

To set the scene, I have been struggling with exhaustion/fatigue for a few years now, and last year was diagnosed with cancer twice. I've had two lots of major surgery since a year ago and the last was in December.

I've been seeing a girl on and off since November (slightly before my last operation) and we were having some fantastic sex throughout December and January. I didn't have any problems until I started taking a painkiller prescribed to help with the pain from my last operation, called Gabapentin - suddenly, I couldn't get a proper erection, or maintain it. So I stopped taking it pretty sharpish at the end of January - but the problem remains! And it's ruining everything for me and for her.

We are still seeing each other but when we have sex I am now in this cycle of worry and anxiety that I can't get over because I can't get/maintain a proper erection (I'd say it's a 4 out of 10 for hard-ness, if you like) and I actually go soft when we are having sex - this shouldn't be happening! I am 30 and never had a problem before. I am also struggling to reach orgasm when we do have sex but I am putting this down to the fact that I am not properly hard, would you agree?

I don't know what on earth to do and I am cursing the day I started taking those stupid painkillers (which did nothing anyway other than make it impossible for me to get a proper erection!)

The hardest part is she thinks it's her!! I am having a hard time convincing her that it isn't and to be fair, I can see how it wouldn't be doing much for her confidence when I am going soft inside her. It is not her at all though, and couldn't be further from the truth - I am massively attracted to her and like her SO much and love the sex life we had so briefly, and in my mind I still have this high sex drive and desire to have sex with her but my body just isn't allowing me to - this is actually massively upsetting me because I don't want her to think it is her she thinks she doesn't turn me on but she drives me crazy, and I tell her but she's not convinced.

What can I do?

Thanks

 

This sounds like a medical issue and it requires a medical assessment.

First, get to your doctor and explain how things have changed for you physically.

Second, explain to your girl that this is a medical issue. Ask for her patience. If she can't be patient, then you don't want her around for too long. This is a situation where you need HER support. If she's not going to support you now, then, is she going to support you during other medical issues that you may have in the future.

Third, go above and beyond in pleasing her.

Good luck.

 

Argeed

 

I take the same medication, and I agree it does kill all desire to have sex. But, what also killed it was a few sequential tragic events.So, now I can't have sex or think about having sex without either getting nausea or some other gastrointestinal issue. It's never been so severe where I had to vomit, or do something so drastic like that. But, I can't mastrubae anymore. And during sex I'm dry, and my vagina locks, spitting out the penis. Also, I just feel really sick in the stomach. Actually, just thinking about sex now in order to write this makes me sick to my stomach. I've always had a normal sex life, and sex drive, so not sure what happened.

I think it's the emotional trauma of having had cancer, and surgery, and the mental pressure of not being able to perform, and having your girlfriend put more pressure on you by thinknig it's her. So, what has helped you before to deal with and/or terminate emotional issues? I'm sure this isn't the first bad thing that happened to you, so just do whatever you have done in the past to help you with other emotional issues. If that doesn't work, therapy. Mostly, I think it's a waiting game.

Your heart needs to chase up to your body, in terms of healing. Sometimes it never does heal, though.

Oh, and talk to your doctor about this, just to rule out it's not a medical issue. Sorry, I should have mentioned that as well. Forgot.

 

Doctor asap.

 

Hello,

Thanks for all the replies.

thesantos - I do like to please her and in fact, whether I have problems or not with my "downstairs", I absolutely love pleasing a woman. However, although she loves this, she still thinks that I am turned off by her. I've tried to explain many times (as my doctor said, I need to emphasise the fact that I've had a lot of 'crap' going on with cancer and fatigue and that this will likely not make performance great) but she still seems to think that I don't find her attractive. Which is totally not the case, she is stunningly beautiful and drives me crazy. But I can see how it can't do her confidence much good if I am going down inside her!

I went to my GP yesterday to explain that two issues are bothering me, the fatigue and the problems with my erections/failure to ejaculate. I have been on 50mg Sertraline, an antidepressant, since August, and had wondered whether this was causing possible side effects. So I went to the doctors with it in mind to say I want to come off them. But he said the fatigue and other problems could be caused by anxiety, so he suggested I DOUBLE my dosage to 100mg Sertraline. Now I don't know what to do. Obviously it could improve things - but on the flip side, what if it makes me feel even worse, and have even more problems with my sex drive??

aoabai - I agree it could be down to the trauma of the cancer etc. Having said that, I was not having problems with erections etc in January (before the Gabapentin) and this was after my second major operation in December. Then after the Gabapentin, I have had major troubles. I just can't stay hard, and ejaculation is out of the question - put it this way, even when I masturbate, my erections are still only a 4/10 and it takes me a good hour, maybe even an hour and a half to ejactulate. Which is a nightmare.

The doctor prescribed me some viagra yesterday too, I forgot to mention this - in all seriousness, I am willing to give this a try, but I have a few concerns:

* It has a 12 hour window, how do I know when I am going to have sex?!
* Are there likely to be side effects, or should I just give it a go?

I really appreciate any information, very thankful

 

Thank you Eliza for your reply - I agree that there are lots of ways I can satisfy her and I actually LOVE to please a woman (her specifically!) with my fingers and tongue, I can't get enough of it. I can quite happily do all that without getting anything in return.

The sex/erection issue is still a problem though. Last Wednesday we slept together and I had trouble maintaining an erection, still. Then we saw each other on Friday so I thought to myself that I would take a viagra about half an hour before she arrived. It was the first time I had tried one, so I didn't know what to expect!! But it certainly worked. We had sex again and I had a very solid erection but there was a problem - it didn't feel anywhere near as satisfying, the intercourse. And I have SO much trouble finishing - I can't reach orgasm and it is frustrating, not for me, but I imagine it is for her as she despite how many times I try to re-assure her, she thinks that I am not turned on by her. This couldn't be further from the truth. She drives me wild, but I can see how she must get frustrated. She gives me head, I can't finish. We have sex, I can't finish. Even when I masturbate, it has lately started to take well over an hour for me to reach orgasm (I would obviously just give up but the frustration would get the better of me if I did!)

I just don't understand why I am having these issues, I am only 31. Also since taking the viagra, I have felt very unusual in myself, with bad headaches. Has anybody else tried it? What are your experiences of using it?

As I said, the viagra certainly worked, I was very hard and solid and it was an incredible feeling to be able to take that pressure off me, but another issue I have is stamina - I just can't seem to sustain enough stamina to keep going during sex, I get so out of breath. This is all incredibly frustrating as I have a high sex drive as does she and I just want to please her, she means the world to me. But I just wondered if anybody had any further advice or any tips to improve stamina in bed. It'd be much appreciated.

Thanks