Seriously, I am the image of mentally ill. I have been in the funny farm 6 times and jail about as many. It sucks, I can't change the past and can't really move forward. I have been through real life traumatic experiences. My family and the professionals think it's just delusions, but my friends suffered these experiences with me. I get a shot once a month, it makes me fat but I am losing weight. I used to smoke cannabis and did well on that. I used verious plants and usually had good trips, some where even states of ecstasy. I started growing cannabis years ago, so I stopped smoking it to save money for gear. I got into trouble doing this, since I didn't have my med (cannabis) or any other medication. I was always open about my drug use. I thought the professionals would understand that drugs can get somone somehwere good. Drugs change attitudes, they raise levels of feelings. I just gotta say that i am not where I want to be. I would rather use cannabis, shrooms and peyote and havegood trips. I have issues with circumstances that got me where I am. I have issues with the laws that repress, the professionals that give diagnosis that don't seem correct. My doc thinks I am schizoaffective, I think I have suffered from psychotic depression. Yes I ranted about the Government, because they piss me off. I find world issues interesting, I have a dark side and a desire to use it. If you won't give me the light, I will use my shadow. I used to go to Gatherings too. It takes a lot of energy to travel and go into nature. I don't really have the energy or interest on the med I m on. I must admit even with just weed, it takes some effort to do those things. I don't know where my life is going, but it's getting better. I have an intense fear of things getting worse, it's a small fear usally but nobody can proive total secuirty. We are all human and have vunerabilities. But, I have a dog and get to work on a goat farm with family. I have been on disability since I was 18 and I am working on growing morels. If I am going to do anything I want, I am going to have a greater source of income. It sucks being on disability. I can only make so much money and can only save 2k. I must hide anything else. It's a bad label, I'd rather be a shaman but I have never done anything shamanic that is repeatable and testable. The best I can do is hide from most of the world. I smoked weed once in the past two years, and I used to smoke a lot. It tasted good but it was brick. I was surprised I got so stoned and I was paranoid to walk my dog. Sometimes my dog acts up on walks and we walk around intense car traffic. I am not really into the girl I smoked with either. I haven't been laid in 6 years and that doesn't bother me but I would like to know I could. When I got stoned last, I felt a tad concerned again about the world. I have been exposed to military mindsites. It's an intense interest at times, afeeling of personal responsibilty to make a change. Somtimes I fantasies that real things, serious world events, are jokes. I think a lot of people do that, but I tend to laugh at exploiting associating fears.
Okay, I feel like writing more. My device sucks, it's a lower powered machine so it works better writing in chunks. Anyways, when I got stoned last, the days or weeks after I really was doing old habits. I used to write to people alot, via emails. I had some old friends that were in the military. One might still be and his partner or friend, or whatever they are, always had contacts still in. Well that exposed me to old things from military school. I was always interested in the miulitary as a kid, so I had associations. Well they did some things to me, or so I suspect. More than suspect really, I saw things, heard things, told things and so on. Well, sometimes I feel these things shouldn't have been done. But really, I am more angery about world suffering than my own suffering. It's that when I suffer, my mirror neurons really appreciate other peoples bad situations. I get mean when I am pointing the fingure and that is not good. It's good to write this out. It beats trying to convince people that I was spied on, for knowing Tomas Uribe at Culver Military school, or that my Dad may of killed JFK. I don't know why I would want anyone to believe anyone in my family did bad things. But maybe I have daddy issues. I dunno, it sucks cause my dad is dead and I can't get him to tell the truth. It's that he told me he was in Vietnam once. All I know is that he drilled oil and the family had what I am told was a serious drilling company. So the mystery is something I exploit, for dark powers over peoples minds, lol!!! If there are dark powers, I must say they lay in peoples mirror nuerons. I think good powers are there as well. But good feelings are rare and I associate them with drugs. I have had a very abusive life. I was mean to my sisters and I am still mad sometimes at the military or government types. I usually ahte the standard American. I dislike religion as I found that drugs have a real science and our soul may be DMT. I find the average person to have delusions, but they are not marked a felon or mentally ill. I think they are both, lol!!!
I pretty much just hang with my Dog, Bud d. I don't want to hang around irresponsible people. I get to hang with my Grandparents, mom and her husband. I think they are all crazy, they are some dumb people. I love my mom and grandparents, but they are limited people. I think they have a lot more potental. I would like to see my Grandpa on drugs, but not the woman, lol. I don't like to see people confused, it makes me want to reach out and that is a bad thing to try. My mom's husband is the worse, he is a confusing guy. He is a very selfish person, his habits drive me insane. Infact, his archetype is probably what is wrong with the world. I have seen youth that is bad, but as an adult he does little good. Perhaps he does too much good. I think karma is a tricky bitch, it's better to be more nuetral in over all effect. We leave a large heavy footprint on our worlds and it's hard to not be a winny bitch. I don't know why I don't like him, proably cause he is notmy Dad. My Dad made sense in a way that was not annoying. He liked guns but was a bad ass. My mom's husband just knows facts and is more like chuck morris ( dork) than clint eastwood (awesome!!!).
Hi Bud D.That is some of the realest stuff I have read here for some time.I am diagnosed with "Schizophrenia" but it's basically a bullshit label...Some people on this forum have a bit of a stigmatising attitude towards mental ill health so you have to choose your moments when to open up! Of course it's good to have a humorous attitude towards it but some jokes are just ignorance disguised as jokes.I mean there's the "We're all mad here" kind of people here who are just nuts,and then occasionally people who have really been through the system.Psychiatric hospital and all that jazz...Anyway,hope to see you around...Most people are pretty nice...Sometimes I'm horrible lol...
I live in a house, that my mom and her husband bought for me to rent. took a 5 day bus ride to Humboldt, cause I had a warrant for too damn many emails....lol. I ended up in the funny farm out there cause I was crazy. I had taken what i suspect was ALD-52, and I didn't have weed for the come down. That long of a trip, I was up for five days, didn't shit or anything for five days. Well I was stressed cause life sucks for me, lol. I seemed to think that my friend growing up, well his brother did some shit to me as a kid. Not sexual but something stupid to amuse my suffering mind. I always did dream a lot as a kid, it's a free escape. It's bad to day dream withealism as an adult and drugs do that very much. Drugs without real love is a problem. I must admit that I have had unrational emtions, bad instincts and misguided day dreams. When the heart is unhappy so are the visions. Shadow work isn't something that is good, when your alone, lost, and don't have weed. Well, weed isn't always good. I don't really have a philosphy that is golden. I can't really say when things are good, but I know when things are real bad....lol. I don't expect a great shman to come onto the forums. I know there are smart people out there. I guess if anything I would like to see the world become a better place. It is rare for me to meet people that give me happy visions. I think I need more positive experinces to relive. My childhood was hard so that is not a good source of happy thoughts. I don't know how people live with bad visions haunting from the past. Those bad times can come back on drugs, I would like to find more good ones. I know they are there, but i really believe we supress the good memories. The real feelings that came with those good and often simple times. I do know that my curent dog, is helping me get over losing the last. I had a boxer before and he was old and put down. It was very expensive to keep him and my mom said he suffered a lot. I am almost 32 and still am very dumb about being practicle about the shit that happens....lol!!!
Sometimes I want people to really be insane, and the really nutty to be sane. That would be a desirable magial power? lol So what is your story? I can take peoples guff, I guess I do have a hard time when peoples ideas are like stones. I think the professionals can't seperate when we talk about drug experiences and when we talk about sober experiences. What is the influence from which, I don't think they can differenciate.
My story is difficult childhood,crazy alcoholic Mother,(Who I loved intensely,before I started to basically hate her) got into drugs,couldn't handle it when my first girlfriend who I really loved dumped me,nervous breakdown coma,and so much more in between I wouldn't know where to start...( Fill in the gaps...)
Sounds close to mine, but my mom was a drunk wthout the booze. She was erradic, hatefule at times nd generally bat shit crazy. I had my first girlfriend, who was the closest to a girlfriend, dump me too. We were not official and friends were dicks about the situation. She gave me a vd, that lingers in a way that can cause cancer. That was a very powerful source of turmoil. I was on felony paper and she used me to scratch her warts on....lol. I do think that at times the love was real. How old are you and do you take a med?
Maybe stop talking to professionals (seeing as you've been in jail I'm assuming some of it's court appointed...and even if not..the advice still stands)- about drugs... they will NOT understand. Of course not. Learn to play their game or you will never get out of the machine.
I am no longer court ordered for meds. I do want to avoid more trouble. I think Ican get away with more, on my med. Keeps me rational more than without.
I'm 41 and on meds,just don't want to say which.I get the weight gain and drowsiness at night,but at least I get a good sleep...I love my sleep and my dreams,such vivid far-out dreams I wake up thinking WOW!!!
It's hard living with mental illness. The insecurity that goes with it, the idea that what you see isn't what's really there, is terrifying. I've been there a lot and it's especially difficult explaining your situation to other people, because they tend to assume either you're completely crazy (in which case they disregard everything you say as the ravings of a lunatic) or completely sane (where they ignore your real problems). Keep your head up and work on making a system to evaluate which of your thoughts are veritably true and which are fantasies, and STICK TO IT. Mindfulness really can take you a long way. Remember that after all this you are still a human being despite all of this and that although this is something you will live with for the rest of your life, you can manage it if you are willing to do the work. People like us were dealt a bad hand but we can still make the most out of it. It's no secret that many great people in history were mentally ill in some way or other, including my idol Brian Wilson who suffered from schizoaffective disorder. If you really have the right attitude, the right drugs, and the right support system, you can go a long way. Between the age of 10 and 16 I was kicked out of elementary school, hospitalized 6 times, sent to so many group homes I lost count, ran away from home 3 times including an escape from a city-run group home, wound up in juvie, and went to jail once, nearly ending up with a felony charge. Now at 19 I'm living on my own, attending school for music on a scholarship, and really doing what I want to do with my life. I had to make a lot of really difficult choices to do that, but it was worth it. You can overcome this. One last tip is go LIGHT on the psychedelics. I'm not saying they don't help, in fact quite the opposite, but that they are tools for spiritual healing, and like any tool, can hurt you if you abuse them.
Awesome!!! Ya, I hit the san pedro pretty hard last time. I gotta say that chems are hard to dose too. It seems that with the illegal drugs, we can start over and e forget that dosage can decrease. My fantasies are just normal stuff now. I dream about winning the lottery, getting plans so I can do plants more....lol. I also think about how things won't last, my dog will die someday. i just enjoy what I can these days. Sometimes the news gets too me, I hate the people that tell us this is the world. I am still not a momma's boy though. That would convince my family I am sane. I dunno why they would want that for me, other than control. I am not going to reject the truths about drugs, or hippy gatherings....good or bad. I smoke tobacco in the house i rent for them, cause that is just my way. Thing is it took awhile to do this stuff, since the med tends to paralize thoughts. I am still not as lose as I have been, which is good but lacks freedom. My worst fear is me doing something stupid and my dog suffers. I would go to jail for a long time, just to stay with my dog.
