I am angry/scary/smart and I messed up

If i had to think about the way that people have described me, 95% of them used one or more of these 3 words. People that don't know me think I'm some smart nerd. People who know me very well know I can get angry or worked up, and people who work with me often say I'm scary because I'm smart. I guess i wanted to get that out in the open, as I think it applies to my story.

Relevant backstory: I am married going on 3 years, We've had a parrot together for the 3 years, we love her like a daughter.

Wife took the parrot to a BBQ at her bosses house. She didn't actually tell me where she was going, and taking the bird. I was at a family party that she couldn't attend because of a side job. So when i get home, I find her phone there, no bird, no information about whats going on. This is fine, cuz she's an adult and so am I. Here's where things go south.

I text a freind i know is usually with her, and she was, and she informed me that everyone is frantically looking for my bird! This was after about 20 mins searching around the house, calling her phone, finding her phone, and generally freaking out.

I arrive at her bosses house (2 mins away) like a bat out of hell, understandably angry and scared. Long story short, I find the bird myself after about 20 minutes of near non stop sprinting, crying, and screaming for her. Others at the BBQ were helping, but literally all the adults were just sitting drinking, while 2-6 yos are running around will cell phone cameras. I made a comment to my wife about why no one with a real flashlight is searching (its' been over 45 mins of her missing).

This is all on top of the fact that I've kind of been hinting to my wife that she's been very irresponsible with the bird before this ever happened. I don't have time to list it all, but trust me, she was not keeping that bird's interest as priority.

I yelled at my wife. Really bad, really loud, before I found the bird. Once i found the bird, my wife obviously wanted to hold her and stuff, and i was mad and I said no, im going home with my bird. A friend of her's basically said Fuck Off Sean, and started to scream at me. I promptly told her to fuck off and explained she had zero business being involved in this. Her BF got in my face. Needless to say, shit got real, real fast. I didn't hit him, but lets just say everyone around me thought it was for sure going to happen. Kids got scared, adults got scared, if I woulda stayed any longer, the cops woulda been called.

Now... I hate to put it like this, but I feel like I obviously crossed the line somewhere, but in all reality, are these people dense? I didn't start the fight, it was the other guy 100%. I could smell the booze on his and everyone's breathe. So the freind stays, and me and wife go home. The friend spends the night talking shit about how much of an asshole I was, and am (she knows our private things, as wife tells her) and now, I am not welcome near the boss's home. Which honestly, i really dont care about, other than it effects my wife.

How far do I need to go in making this right:? Obviously I wont try to get into these peoples' live again, but do you think, based on what happened, it's on me to reach out to the friend and apologize? I'm leaving out some details, but let's just say, me and this friend NEVER got along, and this was a long time coming. Then when I am in crisis and literally something I love is missing, to step in between that and tell me how to act. In that moment?

What could I have done better? Let's all just leave out the not get angry part, this is my daughter in bird form, just think about it like that . Imagine your spouse just leaving your child unattended and them vanishing. You would be livid.

Thanks

 

Um.
well. there really is no way to address it if we leave out the "not get angry part".
first i'd suggest acknowledging that it isn't primarily anger, it's fear, and you can choose how to express it. it doesn't have to be through anger.
although it's a fairly common reaction. i've had issues with anger which i am pretty much over these days, and one exercise i do if i feel angry is to imagine i'm "holding the anger" literally in my hands, like it's a physical thing. and just look at it. for me, it's hard to feel the thing when i'm looking at it.
but like you say, this was a moment of very high emotions and it's very hard to learn control in them.

in your introduction post you kind of implied that anger was a common theme, not just this event. is that right? if you start addressing it in other areas, it will help. times when maybe it isn't concerning your parrot.

shouting and screaming at your wife wasn't necessary or helpful. the time to express you're worries that she is irresponsible with the parrot was not right then.

 

I can understand getting upset but whether you want to hear it or not anger obviously did not help the situation. You need to control your temper. I'm going to guess people think you are scary not because you are smart but because you have anger issues and behave irrationally when you are mad.

You need to apologize to your wife and her friend (never ever castigate your spouse in public - it is extremely rude and inconsiderate). How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

SIt down with your wife and agree on what is acceptable for the bird and what isn't. Should the bird be taken "out"? Who's responsibility is it? What tasks associated with the bird's care should you handle and which ones should your wife handle.

Good luck.

 

you love a bird like a daughter?

you chose the bird over your wife?

you acted like a first class schmuck

pets are fine but dont you realize everyone else is like ''oh fuck they brought that fucking bird again what is with these people?''

 

Being angry, and acting out are two different things.

A normal person would have had enough self control to not yell at their spouse in front so many people, particularly people that she knows and works with. I'm sure this caused her a huge amount of embarrassment, as well as ruining the party and embarrassing everyone else.

The friend and the boyfriend also should have exercised some self-control, but you also allowed things to escalate. To some degree it's understandable that if you yell at someone's friend, they're going to defend them. Likewise, if you yell at someone's girlfriend in public, it's not a surprise if he felt he should come to her defense.

You might want to go to couples counseling with your wife. You also might want to get some counseling on how to manage your anger.

A meditation practice might help you to learn to be a calmer person.

You should probably apologize to your wife for having yelled at her. She should probably agree not to take the parrot out of your home without your permission.

By some method (social media post, letter, etc.), you should apologize to her boss and to other people at the party. I would suggest something like this:

"I'd like to apologize to everyone at the party for my behavior. While I love our parrot dearly, and was very distressed that she was lost, I should have exercised more self control. I'm sorry.

While the way things escalated is not necessarily entirely my fault, I need to take responsibility for my part in it.

[your wife] and I are working this out. I'm going to try to learn to better control my behavior in the future."

 

Anybody who never gets angry is messed up in the heart. Everybody who matters will understand and forgive you.

I doubt you were that verbally abusive to your wife. Probably more along the lines of "What were you thinking?" than "You stupid fucking idiot!" Which, being the case, her friend had no business butting into an argument between husband and wife. It seems sometimes women don't know their proper place in these affairs, much more so than men, who tend to keep quiet. Women think everything is their business. Well it's not. An argument between a husband and wife is between a husband and wife.

 

Honestly, you just seem to give way more of a shit about the parrot than your wife and it sounds like you are scratching your head as to why people around you think thats weird.

Calling it your daughter in bird form, also weird

 

What's so weird about having deep love for a pet? And becoming irrationally worried when it gets lost, and this worry to turn into anger. It's really not that weird. I can easily see myself getting angry if my significant other went to a party with a bunch of dumbfucks and lost my parrot.

 

The only thing I might have done differently, if it were me and my bird that I loved for his 28 years with us, is that the drunk who got in my face would have had his ass kicked.

 

This is the only thing I can really focus on lol. Who brings a bird to someone else's party?

 

this is inconsistent, also. first you're saying you found them gone but make it sound like you were calm, it's fine, you're both adults..
then you say before you found her phone you'd been freaking out for 20 minutes.

i think you're possibly not really aware of how you are behaving.

 

Honestly you both need to take a good long hard look at yourselves
Your wife showed up at her boss's house with a bird that she let loose for who knows what reason
Then you proceed to show up and interrupt the party by screaming at her for 20 minutes, then you almost get in a fight with her friend's husband
You guys sound like the type of people where chaos follows you everywhere you go

 

There's no reason to tell at someone for 20 minutes. Seriously, no reason.

About what could have been done better...don't believe that everything can be under your control, and don't be so attached to things, man. Things happen.

I kinda wish I were a sitcom writer though; your story would be great material.

 

Gosh, can any of you people read between the lines?

 

oh man, this is a funny sentence.
but seriously. what an odd scenario.

I would probably just apologize for my behavior to your wife's boss and co-workers.

 

Apologize, but don't go thinking there's something deeply wrong with you. It would have pissed me off, too. It's a situation where it's a bunch of people getting together, and your wife brings it for people to admire, but in the end, they don't really give a shit about that bird.

It's easy to panic when a pet, or a child, gets lost. A parrot is kind of weird, because it's not a common thing, and people don't know how attached someone can get to a parrot, really. If they did, they'd be a lot more understanding. Yeah, to them it's just a dumb fucking bird. It's no wonder you got pissed.

 

Thanks for your responses. I'll try to summarize my response.

I apologized to my wife immediately when we got home, I told her I didn't mean to let my emotions get out of control. I messaged both her boss and his wife and apologized for my terrible behavior. I have since acknowledged that my behavior was wrong, I know that, i knew that when I posted.

To address, why would you bring your parrot? - Good question, and something I've been asking my own wife for awhile. She feels the need to bring her almost everywhere, I have asked her many times to limit that or be more thoughtful on where she goes. For example, she brings her to the nursing home she works at, which i guess is OK, but I feel like that is basically a hospital and a place where she could pickup disease. I would not have wanted her to bring the parrot to a party, and thats part of the reason I freaked out.

Anger is an ongoing issue in my life, and maybe I'm being a little arrogant to think that people are scared of me because of my intelligence. Part of the reason I say this, is I like to call out people who are lying or being shitty.

I agree with most of your prognosis' on how I behaved. Driftrue - thanks for your insights, I really appreciate it. I like the idea of thinking of my anger as a 'thing' that I am holding. It makes it easier to keep holding it, as I don't get so mad as to start phsyically throwing shit at people.

To anyone questioning the bond between parrot and owner - You obviously haven't experienced it. My wife is more important to me than the bird, but the bird is more than just a bird. In my eyes, the way she treats and cares for that bird, is probably very similar to how she will be with our child. I know it's hard for someone who doesn't have a parrot. Parrots are incredibly intelligent, and mine can literally speak to me. She says give me a kiss? mmuuuaaahh and kisses me. Alls I'm saying, is I didn't come here to get ridiculed for the love of my bird.

Also, I didn't yell at her for 20 mins. I was there for about 20 minutes total searching, I spent maybe 2-3 mins 'screaming' at my wife, mostly like how could you do this? Where did she go? Where are the flashlights? Why are the adults all sitting around drinking with a bunch of kids running around?

Yeah obviously i was out of line. I have made the decision not to apologize to her friend at the moment. I sent her a message saying "Things got heated, I acted in a way that was not appropriate, but so did you. I'm willing to come to the table and talk about this if you are." No response obviously.

To the guy who said the boyfriend would have been knocked out - thank you lol at least someone is on the same page as me.

Thanks everyone, this actually helped just typing it out and seeing the support.

Sean

 

Thanks a lot. I appreciate your words of support. Honestly, we sound like we'd get along great IRL. Have a good one

 

No worries, Sean. You are clearly self aware and humble enough to address the parts of this that you can control, that's admirable.

 

Figured I'd follow up.

So the wife's bosses actually banned me from their home. I kind of get it, I was acting crazy.

I had sent them both messages after it happened apologizing, and they both responded basically saying they understand, it was heated.

Then they went and 'banned' me through my wife, without speaking directly to me, which again I get, I showed I can lose my shit.

Either way, then they tried sending their two gigantic golden retrievers to my house for the weekend. (This has been common place in our relationship)

To be honest, I have huge issue with this. Like if you ban me from your home, why would you feel comfortable with me watching your dogs for the weekend?

I drove these peoples' kids around, picked them up from play date, shaperoned dates for them... So i guess I'm a little hurt by getting 'banned' as it were, but at the same time, thinking, are they doing this JUST cuz they know it'll piss me off?

I have half a mind to tell my wife that the dogs aren't welcome in my home, but frankly the dogs aren't the problem. The problem is the husabnd 'banned' me but like a bitch, and couldn't talk to me like a man when I approached him on the subject, then sends his dogs to my house so i can walk them and pickup their shit....

Had to vent this one out, thanks to anyone who reads