I ACCIDENTALLY HAD SEX WITH A COUCH! revived edition

scratcho

Status: Member
From: Lemoore,CA,U.S.A
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 281
Good one

Man ,I'm afraid of horses--they're so big and dumb.---I think i'll go back in time to when my friend was 10 and I was 11.We had a little movie theater here and it cost all of 12 cents to go--no Tv yet--at least not here--well,Richard and I had gotten kicked out for being on our knees examining one of the looser girls in High school--the usher shined her light on us and uttered--'oh my god--out!'Well,we decided to pay em' back for kicking us out.We got a bunch of balloons,took all the eggs from my house and Rich's house,and devised a plan.We filled all the balloons with water and put the balloons and eggs in a couple of big paper sacks,and headed to our destiny.The theater had double doors on each side of the building,with a light and a loud bell that went off if they were opened.Emergency exits.We chose the south door for our deed,because Rich's house was only a block away and we figured we could make a clean getaway after--well--after.We borrowed a pair of Rich's mom's nylons and looked like a couple of aliens with em' on.Well-we --in disguise,jerked the doors open ,stood side by side and started firing every which direction!I recognized some of the people we smacked,but people were hollering and running and cussing and a few were trying to get to us ,but could'nt--I was already a fast pitch softball pitcher at that age and I could wing those fuckers 60-70 miles per!We finished ALL our ammo(looking back ,I can't believe how long we stood there,causing huge panic)and hauled ass for Rich's house.We made it back with Rich glancing off the side of his house and knocking the dogshit out of himself---I helped him to our clubhouse--and when he got his senses back,we laughed for an hour about it.I guess we figured that would teach those bastards for cutting our gynecological careers short!--------------------------------theater 's gone----only dusty memories remain.----------------Erinhead

blaarrrag!!!
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From: wherever I am now
Age: 20
Gender: Guess
Posts: 54
I have a couple of embarrasing drunk stories...
I was living in St John's Newfoundland and I got invited on a pub crawl for some residence house at the University. 11 bars, 10 people all tied together, 4 hrs. So anyways, we finish the crawl, and by then I am completely sloshed. Its about 12am, and I decide to head home with my pizza.
So I get home, and lo and behold, my roomates are having a party! YAY! I was informed that I had to sit in the middle of the living room on the floor to eat my pizza, as otherwise it was very likely that I would spill toppings on the furniture. Good enough, I eat my pizza (shitty George ST pizza 1/2 cooked, yet sooooo tasty). So I get up and sit on the couch next to my buddy Jared, and promptly pass out. So They carry me up to my room...
Not to long later, in a stupor, I get up to go piss. walk downstairs, do my bizniz. But my pants are way to tight and I'm way to drunk to pull them up. SO I amble out into the living room with my pants down around my ankles...
My friend Drew says something along the line of
"Erin your pants are down"
So I just look at him, look around the room, hold up my middle finger. And call them every curse word in the book, make a lunge at Drew, trip on my pants (as they have me hobbled), land on Jared (again) and pass out on top of the poor guy.(again)
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freakwentflyer

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From: Floridabama
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 686
My girlfriend was a PORN STAR.........

Well it didn't start out that way.
I was a 30 something titty bar manager in Alabama.
I had just moved away from L.A. after having my heart crushed. The son of a Monkee had just stole my girl. That's right, The Monkees, the 60's band. The one with the sideburns and wool cap, (and son of the inventor of liquid paper)- it was his rich spoiled ass son that snaked my girl.
Anyway that's another story.
So, though it was against the rules, I slept with some of the dancers and was good at keeping it a secret. Till this wild 19 yr old blonde showboat came to town from Boloxi, MS.
Her name was Maria, but danced by "Amber". Before long she was secretly living with me. She was by far the most humorous woman I had ever known and she was a fantastic dancer. As soon as she got to the club, she'd be the first out of the dressing room and worked her charm around the room and have about 3 hours of private dances pre-booked before half the girls dragged their asses out.
We couldn't keep our secret for long. We were always seen together out side the club.
So I took an offer at another club in Florida, where we could work together. I never wanted to take the relationship serious but she was getting under my skin. She hated the idea of me being with another woman, but I suspected that she had been cheating. And she was. Especially with rock stars that past through town, like Trent Resnor. She said they just talked all night.

So, I didn't take it too bad. It was a fun roller coaster ride and it was time to get off. She still didn't want me to be with anyone else, so an open relationship was out of the question. I booted her and she moved to New Orleans. She worked a club on Bourbon St. Then partied with the boys from Marilyn Manson till sunrise down at Goldies Bourdello.
Then one day she gives me a call crying and begging me to come live with her, "it'll all be different".

Like a fool, I quit my job and move into her nice highrise apartment right on St. Charles St. Doorman and all. Step outside and catch a trolly to the French Quarter just down the road. She worked three nights a week and raked in 2500 to 3000 cash. She just asked that I meet her after work to go to breakfast, so she wouldn't be tempted to go do drugs with the Manson boys and others. Never cared for those non-working stripper boyfriends, but hey, I paid some dues.

Within two weeks, I find her lying on the bathroom floor, barely breathing and blue. OD suicide attempt, after missing two days on crystal meth binge.

Back from the hospital, I felt like running but couldn't leave her like that.
I said we gotta get out of N.O. So she decides, she's gonna get an agent and become a traveling feature dancer.
And she calls around and finds one in L.A. He says she needs to move out there.
Ok I'm ready to go back. She hadn't worked in weeks and due to our lifestyle there was little money. So she suggests that we sell my car to buy new costumes she'll need, and she'll fly out to meet the agent and I'll drive her car out to L.A.
So I did it.....
(just so you know, this story isn't meant to be sad. It's all true, but meant to be a humorous tale.)

So, I get back to L.A. Maria, had been there for about a week and was getting magazine bookings already. Her agent was this weazel little comb-over guy that said it would be best if I didn't go with her on the magazine shoots. Doing a few mens magazines would help promote her "feature dancing". So, I get us an apartment and start looking for a job.
I told Maria, that I thought she should forget about dancing an consider taking acting lessons. I knew that she had talent and could have been a great comedic actress. Though we had only been there a few weeks, little did I know she had already been in about 10 movies.
Knowing that I was getting suspisious, Maria and her agent tell me that she will be doing movies. Soft porn movies, without actual sex. Like Red Shoe Diaries. And her new name was, Kay London. I believed that for about 30 seconds.
That night, I left her at home and went out with my old frieds for drinks. I had to think about this.
I was hurt I was angry but I knew I wanted to handle this the right way, so one day I wouldn't look back and kick myself.
The next morning, though she didn't know it, but I no longer had a girlfriend. In my mind, I had a porn star room mate. "Are you sure you're O.K. with this?", she said..."I mean it's always been a dream of mine....I didn't mean to lie to you."
"No, that's OK. You gotta be you....Kay. So, since I don't have a job, and I sold my car for you, how about I be your driver till you can pay me back and I get a job?"
She thought that was great since she hated driving in L.A.
So for the next several weeks I was "Driving Miss Dicksucker". Did that sound angry? Well, I was. But I was doing my best to let it go. So I could have a little peek into a strange new world then make my exit.
And it was strange....
(continue next post)

 

Continue-

So, for the next six weeks things got very interesting.
First, Maria, I mean Kay, discovered the Sunset Strip. She especially loved the Rainbow. Celebrities and drugs. And the celebrities and drugs loved seeing her come along. Paulie Shore, took a notice. Said she reminded him of his ex-girl friend, Savanna. A suicide victim porn star.
Only' Kay was fucking funny as hell. One night I was to pick her up at the Rainbow. She wasn't outside waiting as she said, so I went in. In the downstairs restuarant I found her coked up and drunk, sitting at a table and she had the group of people at the table in stitches. She was doing one of her routines.
When I got to the table I saw she was sitting with, Cortney Cox, Christian Slater and Jamie Farr (the guy that wore the dresses on MASH). Later she told me that they were all doing coke and that Jamie was "the source".
I said, "are you ready to go?"
"yes, but I don't think I can stand up". Knowing that she loves to be outrageous even if it's a negative way, I helped her with her exit. I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder and walked out, as she waved bye to her new friends. Christian mouthed the words, "call me".

Sometimes, I didn't drive her to "shoots". Drivers would come to the door some mornings. One day Ron Jeremy came by to pick her up.
But when I did drive her, I often met some of her co-stars, like Jamie Jamison, and others whose names escape me. And it was comical. Though I was there while she fucked several people in front of me and a room full of people, she began to fear that I might sleep with one of the girls, or even worse, become a porn actor. So, I teased her into thinking that I wanted in. She had a fit.
It wasn't long before she began going MIA again. Two or three days on speed binges, then home crying and thoughts of suicide. I was over it and ready to bail.
Then, Marney shows up from Florida. A dancer friend of Maria's that came out to stay with us for the soul purpose of finding and meeting Leonardo DeCaprio. So me and the two girls, out on the town, looking for Leo. And everyone we talked to that claimed to know him said, "if she isn't a famous model or a guy, he won't be interested". Soon her attention turned to me.
So, for a few days, while Maria was out working her ass off, I was at home secretly getting it on with her friend. Marney, liked watching one of Maria's movies while giving me head. Sick little girl.
As the time for me to leave came closer, I know I felt sad that I lost a very funny and lively girl this way. There was a time when I did love her but that was long gone.
I spent some time visiting my longtime LA friends. They all could not get over the situation I was in. They all actually liked Maria. I mean, the porn thing aside, you couldn't help but like her. She could make anybody laugh.
One night at a club we ran into my ex-girlfriend Wendy and her son of a monkee boyfriend. He was always afraid I was going to hit him so I liked moving suddenly around him.
Wendy, didn't like Maria. I didn't tell her that I was leaving Maria.
Meanwhile, Maria was living it up as if she were some "real" celebrity. One night we were standing in a non-moving line waiting to get in the Opium Den, when Adam Sandler walks up to the front of the line and goes straight in. So Maria says, go tell them "I'M" here. So I did. And they let us in.
Inside the club, I sat at the bar to get a drink as Maria and Marney made a scene as usual. The guy sitting next to me said, "are they with you?" I looked over, it was Albert Brookes. "Well, sort of, I mean I'm here with them, I've had sex with them, but I'm not WITH them, you're welcome to have a shot at them". He passed.
The next morning Maria was trashed and trying to sleep in.
I said, "Maria, wake up and sign this."
With her eyes closed, "Sign what?"
You gotta ticket on your car for not having a Califonia tag and I have to go get one today. Just sign this part of your title and I can go change it for you. Otherwise get up now and come with me!"
She signed her car title. Over to me.
Now I know what you're thinking. That was pretty low. But she was spending all her money on clothes and cocaine and I wanted my car back.
A few days later, Maria went on a shoot. I packed the car with just my clothes and drove to Florida. Marney wanted a ride so she came along. I dropped her off at her "boyfriends" and never called or saw her again.
A few days later Maria figured out were I was. She threatened to have me arrested. I called her Dad in Mississppi and explained why I took her car. He said, keep it.
After a few weeks, I get another call from, this time Maria's agent. Seems she is to go on the Jerry Springer Show and they want me to go on with her. I said NO. Then I get a call from a Springer producer who tried to convince me that it would be great for me to come on the show to try to stop Maria from working in porn. I laughed and hung up.

Now many years later. I'm living in Florida happily married with a beautiful wife and 2 year old daughter.
Maria, still in California is married, with a son. And no longer in porn. She's kicked the drug problem and seems to be doing just fine. We're friends now, though we rarely talk, I can't help but think about some the laughs we had together. This short story only scratches the surface of the story. One day I may write a book about her and my titty bar days.

Wendy, left the monkee boy years ago and is now married.

Someone said they saw Marney resently in a porn.

 

mr_moon

Get silly
Status: Member
From: chester, nova scotia, canada
Age: 14
Gender: Male
Posts: 350
Hahahaha, freakwent and scratcho all your stories are hilarious.

Im sure this story holds no candle to any of your's but here it goes. well this one happened quite lately. i was quite drunk and stoned and i stumbled into my friends house and sat down with him and began to play some nba game. im quite fixated on the game so i didnt notice my friends cat slowly creeping up on me. now one thing you should know about my friends cat is that it has a wierd infection in its eyes which makes them wel... gooey. its also mean as hell. it claws at the bakc of my head and i turn back and see this gooey eyed fiend looking at me. i yelp and punch the cat right across the face. quite hard i realize as in walks away... stumbling. the cat later got revenge. i was sleeping on the floor of my friends room and i wake up and i swear to god to the day i die this is the most horrifying thing i will ever experience, short of death. waking up with a hangover to this cat perched on my chest goo eyes and, all hissing madly as it tears my face to shreds.

i will never ever evvvvver sleep with that door open again.
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Posted: 10:12 PM
December 13, 2003 freakwentflyer

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Status: Member
From: Floridabama
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 686
lol mr_moon.......

...that was a good one. Sorry, but I was cheering for the cat.scratcho

Status: Member
From: Lemoore,CA,U.S.A
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 281
Damn!

Sounds wild!Here's a little change of pace--not one of my dumb -ass tricks,but a Love story.--------------------------------5o years ago(son of a bitch--where did the time go?)I was in the 8th grade--14--6' 2",2oo lbs and raring to go.Well, I was a distraction,so my desk was in the back of the room-by itself --and I could see out the back door of the classroom into the hall.There was a couple-man & wife who did all the maintenance at school--lawns,painting,cleaning the rooms,starting the boiler in the winter-etc.They had a beautiful,blond ,very shapely daughter that had gotten out of high school the year before and she would come to the school and help do whatever needed to be done.Man,I had a crush on that girl--she was a flirt too--used to flash me a big smile when she would go by--and that walk--oh my!I would see her around town over the years,but hell-I was 5 years younger than her-and I had 15 or 20 guys I ran with and plenty of girls to hang with--so life rolled on,as it always does.------------------Cut to '67-working at a plastic molding factory in San Jose--met a very nice and pretty red head named Sally--went together for 2 or 3 years--she ended up on TV on a show called Fridays,by way of Stanford, and the Ashland Shakespeare Festival-and she came to Hawaii to stay with me for a while.Got drunk one night and had her name tattooed on my arm.(never claimed to be a genius) she eventually left and we parted ways amicably.Cut to '88------------came back to my little hometown,renewed old friendships--etc--started a business--bought a house and pretty much settled in being a single parent,raising my little knuckleheads.Sooooo-one day I go by this house on the edge of town and--no--it can't be--can it?Damn-damn-damn--it's the blond girl from the distant past!And oh my--she still has a teenagers shape and is still VERY pretty!Why she's 64 years old and looks fantastic.Well--I pulled in the driveway and visited with her and her mom for quite a while and ended up working on their roof.Well--to end this up--we've been together for 6 years now-she still lives at her place with her mom(92 years old!)and I live at mine,but we have dinner every Sunday night at her place and visit thru the week.Now--the second time I had dinner at her place--it hit me like a brick--holy shit--that tattoo I got in '69 --that girls name was Sally(Brandice on TV)and here I was--sitting next to the woman that has treated me better than any woman ever has--her name is Sally!Fate baby!-------ain't life grand?-------------------------------------scratcho Posted: 06:45 PM
December 16, 2003 freakwentflyer

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From: Floridabama
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 686
Thank-you Scratcho!!!!

I love that story.
By the way. I remember the show Fridays, watched it all the time. Very funny. But it's never played in re-runs anywhere.
Sounds like you have your life in a good place now.

 

freakwentflyer

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From: Floridabama
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 686
SEX ,DRUGS, FIRE, CRIME, AND VIOLENT DEATH

Yes, now I'm a mild mannered family man with a furniture store. But not many years ago, I ran Sammy's, the top chain of topless clubs from Destin, FL to Mobile, AL. We were to call them Gentlemans clubs to distinguish them from the low class clubs, but hey, if you polish a turd or paint it gold, it's still a turd.
I was damn good at my job if I do say so myself, but this story really isn't about me. It's about a couple that owned and operated a new competing topless club in Pensacola, FL., Club Marti Gras.
The owners were a mid 30's guy, named Steve (I'm changing names because frankly, I don't remember them) a lawyer and former FBI agent, and his wife, Stephanie, a speed queen stripper in her late 20's. He came from a well off family prominate in the community. She, the opposite.
At her suggestion, they bought a small insignificant topless club and before long, they had one hell of a party going on over there.
Soon, I took notice. As I had a reputation to uphold, I didn't like loosing pretty girls to some small club. Usually that happens because a club starts to run too loose with the rules, (drugs and leaving with customers). So one night I left the club and went to pay them a visit.
When I got to the door, I was recognized immediately and asked to wait. Stephanie, came to the door and invited me in. I didn't remember her but she said she had worked for me some time ago. She gave me the royal treatment and brought me to her table and "bought" me a drink. Sitting at the table were a few of my former girls, and they giggled and flirted a bit, hoping that I wasn't too mad about them jumping ship. Stephanie and the girls, and just about everyone in the place, was either cranked, rolling or packed full of sugar booger. I watched as Stephanie, allowed several underaged girls openly drink. Something you just can't do in a topless club in this neck of the woods unless you're paying someone to look the other way. And her husband/partner/lawyer/exFBI angent must have thought he had the angle.
I sat and drank and had some laughs with her and the girls, and she seemed flattered that I stopped in to see her like that, and didn't take it bad that she stole some of my prime stock. She bought me more and more drinks and had some of the girls do comp table dances for me. It came out in drunken conversation with some of the girls, that there were alot of private drug and sex parties in the club after hours. I was asked if I wanted to "stay after".
Before I left, she gave me a hug and asked me to come by anytime. I said thanks and walked toward the door, timing it just right as to walk into one of my former girls that I knew had one of the biggest mouths. I leaned into her and said, "hey sweatheart. You be careful in here. You know I'll always be happy to take you back. That is if you come back BEFORE this place gets busted. You know after that, I won't be able to take you back. Owners rule."

Within a few weeks, I did have most of my losses recovered, but the wild stories of Club Marti Gras continued.
Steve and Stephanie partied themselves into a hole. Too much booze given away, and too much money spent on drugs. He was no longer working do to the party train. Coke, crack, whatever, they had it bad.
Then one night, about 4am. Club Marti Gras, burnt to the ground. Witnesses saw a couple running from the smoke carrying gas cans. Steve and Stephanie matched the description to the T. Warrants were issued and instead of collecting that fat fire insurance check Steve and Stephanie were hidding out somewhere in town and jonesing for some crack.

TO BE CONTINUED..........

 

freakwentflyer

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From: Floridabama
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 686
SEX ,DRUGS, FIRE, CRIME, AND VIOLENT DEATH continued

Pensacola is a smaller city, best known for the navy's Blue Angels, abortion clinic shootings, and a strip of sugar white beach on the Gulf of Mexico known as the "redneck riviera". So, immediately Steve and Stephanie was the hot news story of the day, in spite of Steve's family connections.
Where were they? Most of us assumed they were on there way to Mexico, or South America. Days went by.
Hiding out at a friends house here in town had to drive them crazy. Could they trust their friends? Their need to escape and a growing need for "speed" forced this odd ball Bonnie and Clyde to bust a move. In her convertable mustang, sunglasses on, and a hand gun at their side they ventured out in broad daylight to find some cash.
A report came in to police that a couple matching Steve and Stephanie's description had just robbed a man outside a restaurant at gun point on the north end of town, by innerstate 10.
Steve, being an ex FBI agent, knew the cops would assume they took the I-10 out of town. Instead, they cleverly drove all the way to the southeast end of town to score some crack.
As they sat parked in an empty lot, the long awaited smoke nestled in their lungs. Suddenly they were filled with optimism and thoughts of escaping to South America, preferably Columbia.
(conjecture)
"Steve, baby, everythings gonna be alright. We just gotta keep our heads." As she takes another hit on the crack pipe.
Steve has a revelation. "They'll expect us to wait for dark to head out of town and they'll be consentrating on east and west routes. We'll just slip out in the crowd during afternoon rush hour north up Davis Blvd to hwy 29 and on up into Alabama."
She gives him a kiss. "Yes! And we can be in Mexico by tomarrow night. We just gotta act normal and fit in."
Steve adds, "and not do anything stupid!"
"Fuckin' A" she laughs, as she pushes the button to put down the car top. "Let's get the fuck out of town, I'm ready for a margarita!"

I, myself, that afternoon had just crawled out of bed and headed for Waffle House for breakfast, on Davis. Big mistake. I knew there would be the usual rush hour traffic, but this was insane. As I pulled onto Davis, nothing was mmoving. A few blocks up ahead, at the Whataburger, I could see the police and ambulance lights. And more and more police cars coming around from everywhere. All I thought of it was, "someone fucked up and is keeping me from my pecan waffle, eggs, grits and coffee. Hope nobody good got hurt."

Later, when I arrived at work, the club was buzzing. Especially the girls that had worked at Club Marti Gras, could not contain themselves with the news. The story was....

Steve and Stephanie underestimated their notoriety. Sitting in the Davis Hwy traffic at a dead crawl, with the top down, even with their designer sunglasses, people in cars all around them began reaching for their cell phones.
Steve spotted the first police car coming up around the traffic behind him. He he wasn't sure the cop was after him but he knew that if he didn't pull out of the traffic to the side of the road, he would be pinned in.
The chase was on. As soon as the blue lights began to flash, Stephanie jumped around on her seat and began to open fire at the cops.
In spite of the crowd and traffic, the cops persued and fired back.
"FUCK!" Steve screamed. "MY FUCKING EAR!"
Stephanie looked over to see Steve's ear missing and blood everywhere. Still he was driving wide open looking for a break.
As Stephanie turned back to fire again at the cops, she took a bullet in the neck.
She dropped down in the seat, and felt the stream of blood pouring from her neck. She knew she would be dead soon. She looked over at Steve, put the gun to his head and blew his brains out, just before she blacked out, and died.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

 

In fourth grade, i was in class. Everyone was quietly working...i bent over in my chair to pick up my pencil case...and i sneezed...which pushed out a huge fart. Yea, that wasn't too fun. Even the teacher laughed at me. I was traumatized. Since then, i always make sure i'm good before i sneeze in public, lol.

 

Yes, loud farts in class, are embarrassing and funny.

In 7th grade, that happened to me. Luckily, Joe Weaver, was sound asleep at his desk behind me. He woke from all the laughter. I said, "Joe man, you farted."
He said, "I did?"
Everyone laughed even louder. Everyone including Joe thought he did it.

 

OK. Now I'm upset. I was going to wait a few days to finish transferring what was left on the old site, to this thread. But, now I can't access the old thread anymore!

If anyone knows how I can do it, please let me know.
Hopefully, Skip will have the old stuff stored and available later. If anyone knows, let me in on it.

 

A couple of years ago ... I was probably about 10 at the time, and my mom was driving me to the mall for some reason which I don't exactly remember. Anyway, I was digging through the glove compartment and I found what appeared to be chapstick and I asked my mom "Is this chapstick?" She told me it was, and without looking I put it on. Well, when we arrived at the mall I looked at myself in the car mirror before getting out 'cause I must have been metrosexual back then or something and to my surprise I found myself to be sporting a very red and womanly pair of lips. Even better, the lipstick was rather permenant and I had to walk around the mall with it on for hours on end. I was rather angry with my mom!

 

bradofcentrelpa said he archived them(the old ones) on his hard drive.Page 2 of "sex with couch".--True confessions--Good luck--enjoying them immensely!--brad said he would share----------oh boy-----scratcho--------------

 

Thanks Scratcho,
I'll check it out.

 

Maybe im wrong, but i am hoping lots of people observe this post! Ok, I have a drug screening, a urine screen next Wed. I am pretty up-to-speed on the dilution methods that I should use and how to dispose of the drug metabolites in my system. My question is this: ARE DRUG SCREENS LESS SOPHISTICATED TESTING METHODS FOR DETECTING DRUGS THAN DRUG TESTS?????????????????????

THANKS ALL

JACKOVGOESJACK0 (south park baby!)

 

Hah, that's funny... Kind of explicit.. lol

~ Sapphire

 

dont be such a prickass, u sarcastic dickwad

 

Have some respect,you fucking kack-----------------------------------------------------------------scratcho------------

 

LOL thank you for making my night! That was hilarious

 

i remember your stories. i love you dude.

 

priceless ....keep up the stories