Husbands double standards

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by candilovinmother, Sep 7, 2013.

  1. So that makes it ok for some men think its fine to just do what ever the hell the want as long as their cocks are satisfied. And their wives should do exactly what their told. Lets just go back to the dark ages then. And as I said I have not done anything sneaky or tried to manipulate or get my husband drunk so I could get what I wanted. so get your facts right.
    What you have told me isn't really advice its just criticism.

    "Three years ago? Let it go.
    However, you paint a picture of a manipulative jerk.
    But does that make sneaking OK? "
    "Don't like our advice? Go play on"
  2. usedtobehoney

    usedtobehoney Senior Member

    candilovinmother...i think drumminmama is saying that your husband is a manipulative jerk for one bringing someone into your bed unannounced while you were in an altered state and unable to react completely to the shock of the situation...then trying to manipulate you into having sex with his friend, then having you flirt with other men for his own reasons(my guess is he likes the idea of sneaky sexual undercurrents but he also wants to control you and your sexual desires and actions).

    Basically your husband is using you as a sex toy and seemingly putting his friends(male and female) above you. This sexual manipulation is a well documented type of domestic abuse.
  3. KimberlyG

    KimberlyG Member

    Well, I know this will be harsh and I'm very sorry. Still...

    I see no real solution for you. I think in your situation I would want to divorce him. Seriously, I've been reading carefully in hope to come up with something. Yet, he isn't acting like no spouse should. It also seems he has been like this for years.

    I acknowledge I may be too young for this conversation and yes, marriage is such a serious thing that some critical info might be missing, etc.

    Yet I cannot fathom a way to fix this. Not when the problem isn't a one-time thing. In my view, no marriage can survive to a series of 'mistakes' of this caliber. In fact, being prevalent makes it a long lasting mistake. Please, reread your posts and see how vividly describe your partner in life, the one who is supposed to cherish friendship and love, today, tomorrow and forever. You made obvious how he is consistently being abusive and expects you to comply with his every sexual whim.

    To me it means this person is someone broken putting you at risk of getting permanently damaged. IMO nothing you say or do will change him.

  4. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    That, and if she doesn't like the advice she's getting, the CM crowd has a VERY different take. And they don't sugar coat a damn thing.
    Except cocks. ;-)
  5. avdude15

    avdude15 Guest

    It is possible for married couples to invite others into their beds without hurting the relationship. It is also possible to create an emotional minefield by trying to do so. Adding a third can only work where:
    1. Both H and W feel equally interested and empowered
    2. Both agree that the other can say, "no, stop I'm not comfortable" at any time for any reason or for no reason. Insecurities and jealousies can come out of no-where. The most important thing is that you don't hurt each other.
    3. Don't expect your partner to be consistant or rational when it comes to this subject. For a guy, having their lover with another man can be an overwhelming turn-on - but it can spark all kinds of insecurities. Dammit, it is confusing - and far more fun in fantasy than in reality.

    So you need to talk to your H. Find out what turns him on - and how far you can take it. The younger guy may just be too threatening for him to deal with.

    Try role playing it with him - talk to him, have him play the role of a younger lover seducing you. It may be a huge turn on and it may open the door to it really happening.

    This cannot be a tick for tack thing - that is the path to divorce.

    As for the other guy - keep him on ice until you get the ground rules worked out with your husband. This game is not worth risking your marriage. If it is a go, start with some flirty emails - and an honest assessment of yourself.

    Be prepared for rejection - it comes to all of us.
  6. I've been wanting to say thanks for days but hubby is always around I'm sorry I took you the wrong way drumminmama.
    A week ago hubby got drunk and said that it was still ok to fuck this guy then the next day hubby went really quite and I knew he had changed his mind again. Thank heavens I didn't do anything. Anyway the younger guy is getting quite chatty. hubby is often there at the time so I'm just trying to play it down while still being nice to the other guy. I'm not flirting even though hubby is still ok with it.
    Just waiting and hoping
  7. Just_a_woman

    Just_a_woman Member

    Your husband is a fool. He thinks he has some fetish about seeing his wife with other men, or as the object of desire of other men, and he backs off like a coward, irresponsible person after pushing you to situations you weren't looking for in the first place.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him that now I wanna fuck that other guy and that I'll see if that happens. And if he's unhappy with it, so be it, he'll have to live with that and man up to his irresponsible playing with me. I'd tell him these things. I'd also tell him to think twice about playing with me as if I weren't a person with feelings and libido, just as he is. Now that he did, he'll have to deal with the consequences.

    Don't validate his bossing of you.

    I've told you what I'd do. Only you know if you wanna do it.
  8. Piaf

    Piaf Senior Member

    What a joke of a marriage.
    And my advice is to learn how to quote posts.
  9. Gerome

    Gerome Guest

    Hello candilovinmother,

    I am afraid, you are asking the wrong question...
    I am not opposed to the idea of a threesome or the so called "the lifestyle" but I do think there need to be some basic prerequisites to even start thinking about that. The most basic one is a stable relationship in which the marriage certificate has no say in. Your relationship is not stable since it cannot possibly be built on trust. You seem to live your seperate lives that do lead to bed occationally and there will be some additional points where your lives do meet. But to me, the foundation is missing.

    So this is what you should do: talk. Talk about what happened, talk about your feelings and demand the same of your husband in return. This is the only way to lead a relationship you can be actually happy in.

    Get your relationship in line first before you start to smash what is left of it. Because that is what you will do when you press that mater, especially if this is some kind of revenge. Don't make a competition of this...
  10. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    No worries. Hard to read inflection on a screen. (Just assume I'm sitting across from you at a table asking the questions. Socratic method...people can find their answers with the right questions.)
    I do think CM folks get some... Interesting...views on trios and more. Reading over there is an education!

    Straighten out what your hub wants, what you want and don't take things said while drunk as permission.
    Hubs may have a cuckold/watching/ sloppy seconds fantasy going on, but not really want it to happen.

    One option is to proceed together, you , hubs and Third Wheel, with the mutual understanding that no means no, it's ok to change one's mind-even in the act.
    Agree to stop if someone says stop.

    Another side might be hubs fearing emotional competition. Many swingers go the anonymous route so feelings for the Third Wheel don't become an issue.
    Think about the phrase "emotional affair," Y'know?

    Talk to him, sober, away from the bed.
    Shine some light in there.

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