How would you proceed with this situation?

Hello guys,

For the last several months, I have been in a really difficult situation which has recently reached crossroads of sorts, and I need some help.

I've known this woman for about a year and a half now. I always knew she was in a relationship but the person she was in a relationship with was incarcerated. I kept my distance for about six months, just getting to know her on a friendly level and never revealing any feelings for her (I didn't think I had feelings until about 9 months ago). I always listened to her talk about this guy and it never seemed like she was happy with him.

Her and I would see each other often and we got along quite well. Eventually, I felt like I needed to reveal that I had feelings for her. When I did, she didn't announce that she had feelings too, just that she would be willing to see where things went if things didn't work out with this guy once he was released. However, our relationship kicked up a notch almost immediately. We began talking more (much more) and we began to hang out with each other and go places together, etc. She became the biggest part of my life and someone I truly felt connected to. Of course, there was always the date of his pending release looming. By the way, they do have two children together.

He released at the beginning of December and I was forced to take a back seat. They had a month together before he had to go back to the state he was imprisoned in due to the rules of his parole. They are now hundreds of miles apart but still in this relationship. Meanwhile, her and I have continued talking all the time and building upon what we have. I've never been comfortable in the situation though I did always feel as though she would eventually choose me.

Last night, during one of our normal conversations, she spouted up and said that he cried to her over the phone and he said that he knows she has someone else. She didn't and has never admitted to that, but she did say that she feels as though since he has been released, she hasn't given him a fair chance because she's been too focused on me. She says that she is usually rude and short with him because I am also in the picture. As a result, she wants to take a step back from us and have no or very minimal contact with me while she figures out what (if anything) she still has with him.

Part of me wants to appreciate that from her, but another part of me feels like why is it me that has to take a back seat when I've been here showing her what I am about and what she could have? Her response to that is that she wants to give him the chance she always said she would once he was released without any outside distraction. She says that if she and I are ever going to have anything, this is the only way to find out and that she wants to do this the "right way" rather than what we have been doing.

She tells me that she loves me and that she desperately does not want to hurt me, but she feels that this is the only way. How would you all react to this?

Of course, I had natural questions for her (that may not be fair) such as what am I supposed to do in the meantime and how long is it going to take for you to know?

She just said that if her and I are meant to be, this is what she needs to do to find that out. Should I just take a back seat and let this all play out, hoping she comes back? Or am I in a no-win position that is just going to end badly?

I love this girl so much. I see a future with her and she says she wants that future with me, deep down. She just wants it on the right terms, not these ones.

How would you feel and react to this?

 

I'll start with this. She has more vested with this man than she has with you. He is the father of her children. That is something she has to consider. The welfare of the children are in the picture. She sought you out of loneliness. You filled a void left by his incarceration. Now he has returned and worked to keep her as his mate. The distance is not an issue as they were miles apart during his incarceration also. What is an issue with her is this question. Does she want to remain with him and leave where she's at in order to continue the relationship and what is best for her children? What kind of life can they have together? Only she can answer this in her mind and she needs some space to sort this out.

Now on to you and her. As I said you filled a void. What began as a acquaintance relationship blossomed into a one sided love affair. You fell for her, she not so much for you and she said so. She was honest in saying that she had to see where the relationship with her children's father went once he was released. Now that he has been and reunited with her she feels he deserves a chance to become her mate again. She has feelings for you but right now she has to look at herself and, again, the welfare of her children. I expect she will slowly move away from you and reunite with him providing he can support the family unit they created together. If not she may look to you for support again. Her claim that she wants the "terms" to be different really says she isn't going to leave the father of her children. Not right now anyway. This isn't going to end badly unless you want it to. Let her go. I know it'll hurt but you are already in the back and almost ready to be thrown out with the bath water.

 

Good advice Barry. He should back off and let their relationship play itself out. That man WILL be in her life one way or another if he values the children. It also WILL be difficult to back off, but to insinuate himself strongly is against her spoken wishes. --IMO--might end very badly.

 

I agree with you fully.
During my lifetime, I have got to know several girls/women in all sorts of complex situations, but it was obvious to me that what they needed was a friend who would be there for them when they were down. I never saw them as potential partners and our physical contact was limited to the odd hug at the front door when I went home.
I still know several of these women 40 years on and I have got to know their partners, children and even grandchildren in one case. They still see me as a special friend.
Some people may find this odd, but it enabled me to find the person who was right for me. Life is far more complex than just seeing every female who crosses my path as a potential lover and I would not want it any other way.
As I am sure that you have noticed, I feel the same way on this site, chatting to our female members without flirting with them. In fact, if I was asked the gender of several of the people who I chat to here, I would be scratching my head for a few hours.

 

Thanks wilsjane. Aside from my years in high school when my male friends meant much more to me than my so-called parents--I have considered my female friends as the best friends I have had over the years. Whenever a female joins the forums, I try to always hit the FOLLOW. Not to send any of them dick pics or to flirt or any of that----I just like women and usually want to hear their points of view and I value what they have to say. ( apologize for talking about me)The original poster seems like a reasonable guy and according to the advice given here by Barry and you----I'm thinking/ hoping he takes it to heart and that tough as it may be--follows through on the advice. And of course the main thing IMO--is that it works out well for the children.

 

She has to understand whether you have filled a gap or taken her heart. Just because her husband was imprisoned doesn’t mean that she fell out of love with him. She owes it to her family to work that through. More importantly for you is that she owes it to you to work through that. If she leaves him for you only to realise that you are a welcome distraction to an uncomfortable situation rather than a genuine love, she will quickly become unhappy and she will break your heart.

give her the space and respect the deserves

 

...

 

Let it go. If it was meant to be she'll be at your door. Otherwise I'd move on as much as possible. You stand to have a perpetual broken heart.

 

Very wise advice above. I know it would be tough to act on this advice but that’s what you gotta do.