How well do you (or should you) know your spouse?

For about a year and half, my mind has been swirling. The short back story is that I’ve been married to my wife for 22 years. We have been blessed with 2 happy, healthy boys.

My wife’s family of origin is very different from my own. She comes from a wealthy, traditional family from Southeast Asia (she was born in the US). She went to the best of schools.
My French family is far less successful. I worked my way through lower tiered schools. We met when we were both out of grad school. We are both professionals, and always felt her family looked down on me.
The December before lockdown, our family traveled to her (calling her “Tara” so as to not disclose too much info) college for some silly sorority family event. I’ve been to a million of these, and each one has utterly sucked. It’s really just a bunch of snobby sorority alums talking about their glory days. Some of her sorority sisters were pretty wild, but Tara told me she was far more conservative (she claimed she’d only been with 3 other guys for vaginal sex and a few more for hjs, oral, etc). Sometimes I’d over hear whispers that would make me scratch my head, but I always chalked it up to being paranoid. The frat fathers who knew her sometimes treated me in a condescending way, but again I assumed it was me being ridiculous.

anyway, in dec 2019 another husband told me that the sorority was a bit more wild than I thought, and that my wife had earned a reputation for being a leader of certain sexual activities. I tend to believe that he’s probably accurately reporting because certain things line-up.

some of the things she’s alleged to have done are silly and inoffensive (hj contests, showering with frat boys, etc.) while others are a bit upsetting (oral contests, f a loser night, etc.) the guy also claims there’s a video that some of the frat fathers own which documents Tara and her sorority sisters having a “tea bagging” contest. He said there’s also a video shot at a frat house where the girls (including Tara) are simulating sexual acts on a dildo.

When I asked Tara, she said it wasn’t true but that maybe some stuff could have happened at some point when she was drunk.

I’m no prude, and have no issues with my wife experimenting in college, but I feel angry that she likely lied. I’m also angry that, if true, everyone but me at these sorority reunion events knew about these acts. I also wonder if the condescending behavior I mentioned above isn’t due to these jerks feeling like they’ve pulled one over on me. I wonder how many of them had her. I’m also really angry about some of the more snobby events like the loser nights. It kind of makes me wonder if I married an asshole.

On the one hand I want to know the truth, on the other I’m afraid to find out. should I continue to pursue the truth, or let sleeping dogs lie?

 

Let sleeping dogs lie. I can tell this has disturbed you, and it is really not worth the stress.
Embrace what you have, and let bygones be bygones.

Just my opinion. x

 

I agree with Candy .
We all do mad things occasionally otherwise havnt lived. I think she said a white lie so as not to upset you and probably a little embarrassed about her wild behaviour. Dont rock the boat it isnt worth it and enjoy the fact that you have a loving family.

Just move on but together

 

I agree with both Candy and Mysteron. You can do so much better. No reason to put yourself through that. Let the sleeping dogs lie.

 

I'm not at all sure if my mate's past (certainly less sordid than my own) is any of my business unless she chooses to make it so. If I were to know every detail of her previous life, I would hope to be as charitable as I would hope judge and jury would be were they examining mine. We all need a liberal bit of reasonable doubt at times; especially our mates.
Beware of asking questions you don't want the answer to.

 

There is another option. My wife and I have been together a loooong time. Part of my attraction to her was her naivety on the surface and joyful sensuality waiting to burst out. Many guys like that and have flirted with her in my presence and early on she let me know she liked the flirting but she was in love with me. So I learned to enjoy her getting gratuitous attention and more...knowing she would be going home with me and sharing her libido with me! I am a very lucky dude and enjoying her eroticism without useless jealousy on my part is still rewarding for both of us.

 

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful advice!!