How to win over a mentally disturbed person's heart?

Hi there, everyone!

Hope you're all well. Hi! I am an aspiring filmmaker and full-time freelance writer. I rarely post threads and talk about such things on public forums but it's something I can't talk with real-life friends where I am from and sought to look for advice from people I find here to be honest, kind and straight-forward with their opinions plus I can stay partially anonymously.

I'll just jump straight to it. You see there is this girl I have fondly liked since 2015. She often refers to herself as a Martian (there is a probably a sad back story that she never told me). As a person, she is very kind, humble, weird, ambiverted, somewhat secretive, sweet and not really a conversationalist. I have always been a super introvert who is constantly trying to break out of his shell upon my friends' insistence but I have been programmed a certain way. So after 5 long years involving a few meetups and random chats, I summoned the strength to tell her how I really feel about her. I maintained confidence, honesty but also added a bit of humor because she appreciates that. I've always referred to her as 'my lady' or 'the Martian Queen' just as mere childish fondness or love. Previously, I gave her a few friendly gifts (books relating to science fiction), treats and kind messages (nothing flirty) filled with hints of my feelings but oddly out of innocence or something else, she never noticed.

Last year, she was forcefully befriended by a fairly toxic sinister co-worker of hers' who pretended to like her and played her last year. She was absolutely tormented both physically and mentally hurt in more ways than one while being frequently used and gaslit by him. He was a literal menace and I feel responsible that I couldn't properly be there for her (My grandmother had a stroke and being an only son to my depressed mother. I had to bear the entire burden of the responsibilities). This led her to a very bad place in her life in 2020 that it led incurred extreme bouts of depressions and PCOs. This year, her pet cat died as well just as mine did last year. I comforted and consoled her on how I coped with my cat's loss.

Fast forward to now, she says if I told her what I felt about her before she met that menace of a person. She would've agreed to my proposal but right now mentions she is not in a stable mindset to like someone at all. Perhaps at some point or moment she might but not now. I mentioned we could work together to retrieve back her lost happiness and I would greatly care for her every step of the way. However, she added that she needs to find happiness on her own despite my constant insistence to accommodate her.

She says that I deserve better since I am kind and sweet since she feels she is not the same girl she met in 2015. That I should not wait for her. I told her it would be uncharacteristic of me to give up on her in this condition since I don't do that with my friends. Not now not ever. I told her I can help her heal and we can work together to fight this. That I can serve a part in redeeming and revitalizing herself. I understand I waited tremendously long but I honestly want to help her completely and in a way be with her as well.

In the end, she admits that she does not capacity to like or love anyone at this point. To which I said, I will wait regardless so we could be friends for now and I would make efforts to help her recover. She agrees to being friends but she feels the responsibility to not go into a relationship right now which could ruin my life. I always been a great listener, non-judgemental confidant, a healer to my loved ones and a true friend to few people I love or care about whether friends or family.

What do you think I should do? I am really at my highest indecisive crossroads here at this point in my life when deep down all I want to do is start a relationship\even marry her or fully support\comfort her and offer her all the happiness and care in the world that I can possibly muster (since I always been a one-woman man). And I feel she is the one.

What would you advise one of your best friends? What would be the right thing to do? Should I become indifferent and walk away from pushing for a relationship and just be typical friends like we always were? Or shall I wait as promised, be tremendously kind and listen as much as I can to one day hopefully develop a loving fondness towards me or would that be unfair to both her and me? I am sort of old-fashioned in these matters so I would be extremely grateful to anyone who understands my case and could be kind enough to help me out.

Love and Regards,
Ishnad

 

Interesting and touching story. On the one hand , you probably waited too long to tell her exactly how you felt early on and now because of her experience with the toxic person ---she feels she needs time to figure HERSELF out, relative to her bad experience. I say be kind, understanding , but give her time to sort herself out. Tough call , friend. Some day it may be time to walk away---time and circumstance will determine what should have happened--or did happen. Not much help here----I hope it works out well for the both of you. There are some smart , caring people on this site-----you may get some better replies.

 

I think you have already decided to wait.
I also think that she will be grateful for that in the end.

MALE or Female would need time to recover from a toxic relationship.
Be patient. I always say trust your own instincts.

 

It takes two "yes" votes to have a relationship, and only one "no" for it not to happen or for it to come to an end. It is abundantly clear where the two of you stand.

I don't see a dilemma, quandary, or crossroads. She said "no." She said it a number of times and in a number of ways. You should have accepted it already.

Continue to pursue her, following her clear and repeated "no," and your behaviour may be considered toxic. Perhaps it already is. You have her answer. If she changes her mind, she'll let you know. Then, depending on your circumstances, you may say "yes" or "no." Do not keep asking her. It's abusive.

 

Thank you very much for such a kind and solemn analysis, scratcho. Your thoughts meant a lot. My introverted nature has always had the better of me I would say. And this one time I tried to break free, too much time had passed unfortunately. Since day one, I've found her to be a diamond in the rye to me but I never sought to cherish, attain and protect it when the time was right. Nonetheless! As a good friend to her (and others I cherish) before and now, I intend to be tremendously patient, kind and considerate as I've always been to everyone. To listen, understand, and be there whenever I am needed to while setting aside and fully compartmentalizing my relationship agenda.

The problem is even if I can't have a relationship with her, I just don't want to see her go through this crippling grief as a friend. Everyone needs to walk the lonely road and figure out their problems by themselves. I truly understand. Yes scenarios can differ for everyone because they may or may not have someone by their side. I just feel that she doesn't need to walk this path alone when I exist in her life wanting to fully support and stand by her particularly and only as a friend. I was almost blood-lusted that I just wanted to tear that evil ****'s limbs apart and utterly ravage him until he turned to dust. It just breaks my heart to see her go through this state. And I assure you that has been my true blue emotional experience for the turmoil my few friends went through. Perhaps I have always been too empathic to begin with but isn't that a good thing. Like most things, I guess it's a double edged sword. I digress. Thank you for your thoughtful words nonetheless. I found them to be quite helpful and sullen.

 

All of you people are awesome. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and your straightforward thoughts. Deep down! In a way or so, this is exactly what I wanted to hear at face-value. Someone that agrees/reinforces the idea of me waiting and that something promising may eventually happen. Still! If circumstances aren't favorable and life goes on, all I solemn all I want is for her to get better/be well, overcome and perverse like the queen she is. Not to mention find all the happiness, peace of mind, appreciation and success she truly deserves in the world. Whether with me/without me friend/lover/neither, doesn't matter. You're right. I completely understand that everyone needs space and time to recover. Any long or short term toxic relationship always has crippling repercussions and everyone has a certain coping mechanism to deal with it. Although, I feel you don't need to go it alone when someone is there wanting to reach out. Someone who will just sit by your side and genuinely share in your grief whether by thorough listening or complete silence or shed tears in togetherness. I just want for her pain or misery to end and that she come across all the best things in her life. Thank you very much. No! I will definitely be patient as possible that has actually always been my strong suits and following my instincts (hopefully they won't let me down).

 

Please ignore this. Accidentally doubly posted the same comment here addressed as a response to Candy Gal's comment.

 

Thank you for your honest rather strict thoughts. I absolutely understand. Your first line makes for an excellent quote. And it should be always like that. However, you may have misjudged me and my situation which is completely understandable. I may not have been as clear as I should be but then I didn't intend to over-elaborate. There is no need for being over-persuasive, over-pressurize and latching onto a situation something that simply can't amicably come to fruition when clear disagreement exists. However in my case, there is no disagreement. She has denied to having a relationship and I respectfully agreed to it. She kindly appreciated. Additionally, I have decided to wait for her while becoming friends as before while she heals on her own or through my support/care as friend if and when needed. The fact she is not a frequent conversationalist is something of a minor problem but that's a different thing.

When she told me about that toxic bully, I was merely a friend whom she sometimes confided in. She started opening up little and little which made me realize that there exists an indirect 'cry/plea for help' within this scenario. Yet still I chose to perform my duty as a friend to listen and support as per her expectations regardless of my feelings for her. After sometime had passed or at the very least the first 10 months of 2020, I was told by an elderly friend that I shouldn't delay conveying her my thoughts and not delay any further so that I may have a clearer picture of where her and I stand. And now we are here.

There is a clearly a dilemma and a crossroads situations for someone like myself who is a complete introverted empath (indecisiveness comes among my key traits as aforementioned). In this situation, there doesn't simply exist a 'yes' or 'no'. More of a maybe from her and my end as well. On the one hand, I feel the responsibility to commit to my duties as a empathic friend and not leave her in the abyss all by herself even if the prospects of a relationship can't exist. In doing so, I am voluntarily tasked to support, lend a ear/should and care for her as a good friend would until she fully heals. On the other, I have to involuntarily sacrifice or hold down my immense feelings for her by respecting her state of mind/plea and wait which would understandably never allow me to move on or have a relationship with anyone else.

Honestly! I am fine with that. Her well-being is of utmost importance to me. Most of all, it was the first time in my existence that I would have had a proper relationship yet still unfamiliar about a lot of ins or outs that come along. I never showcased any signs of being toxic, negative or behaviorally vile/problematic towards my friends. In fact, I have always favored offering optimism and idealism when people I cared for were mentally distressed or hurt in any way. Becoming toxic is the last damn thing I want to be towards her. Neither am I being. I intend to leave her in absolute peace and work out her troubles as she prefers whether through my complete support or not. I would never want to be an obsessive douchebag who would continue to somehow 'perpetually' nag/ask her for committing be stupid enough to nag her to committing. That would be absolutely wrong and not the way I am programmed. And that is all.