How do you let go of someone who made you so happy and was once your dream come true- something you didn't realize actually existed- and then became the most toxic thing in your life? I know being with him was killing me. I know this is just as much about the death of the ideal I had of my perfect someone in my head as it is about missing him. I have this fear that I have been as happy as I'm ever going to be. I reveled in it while I had it, but it was so short-lived and I am so ANGRY that it was taken away from me. And it kills me that he's going to go out and give it to someone else. The only thing that comforts me is that it will only be for a little while and then she will see him for what he really is too. And maybe after he does this 80 or so times, he will realize what he does to people and stop... Or he will go on being a vampire. This is kind of extreme. I don't think he does what he does on purpose, but it would be really fucking amazing to hear him admit the pain he's caused me. Maybe I could let go if he would take responsibility. Fuck this. Just fuck it. I'm so fucking tired of this. It's been over a month. And I broke up with him. But it wasn't because I wanted to. And a month isn't so long when we were together almost constantly for 8. Fucking prick. I hate him. And I want him back. But I don't. I want who he was. And that person is dead. Better yet, he never existed. He was an unstable state of mind that vanished a couple months into the relationship. When I ceased to be his shiny new toy that made him forget all of his problems. Back when I actually had an effect, made a difference, was appreciated for what I did for him, for what I sacrificed to be there for him and come whenever he called... Fuck him. I fucking told him this would happen and he didn't listen to me.
Think of all the things you hated about him, it will be easier then. Don't let the good thoughts come to you, not yet anyway. Do some visual shopping. Even if you don't want anyone yet, look at all the fish out there and clear your mind of him. Visualize what your next love could be like, what you would want in him. Hang out with your female friends. Pick a new hobby, or do things you and he did not do together like hiking or pick a sport and join a team. You are free now and you need to look ahead, if you look behind you won't get anywhere. People who look in rear view mirror crash into car in front. I think someone famous said that.
I feel your pain, Firefly ... but Sally's right. You've written your own prescription there. You don't want him back. What you want is a person that he isn't ... that you thought he was, until you were proved wrong. He isn't that person, so walk away. Big hug from me, Becky
I don't know something I have never had a problem with is walking away from people that I have had bad relationships with in my own life. When it is done it is done and there is no point thinking about it anymore. If I remember right this is the guy you broke up with, but were still doing the fuck buddy thing with? If so I would suggest that is probably not the best approach to getting over someone. The best approach is to move on and not look back. Chalk it up to another life lesson learned. Better things are out there for those that make them happen.
I know. I've been going to him much less lately. We're still friends. My feelings for him are extremely complicated. On one hand, I understand that neither of us was in the correct state of mind to start this relationship, and then we tried so hard to make it work and when it didn't, we were both angry. I know all of this logically. I had my part in it too by not being stronger and putting up better boundaries, but I still feel taken advantage of and sometimes I just want to break a goddamn bottle over his head. I felt it would be more productive to get these feelings out while I was feeling them. After I clicked submit, I almost felt regret. Because sometimes I just feel the hate drain from my body and I just... forgive him. Not enough to be stupid enough to take him back, because I have fears and scars that I think would continue to surface, even though he's different now, but enough to be a friend. I feel like there are certain people that are on your frequency, and when you find them, you keep them. Friends are important. If there comes a time where it becomes toxic again, I have much less of a hard time saying gtfo of my life than I did before. But for now, it's nice to have a friend. One that understands me and knows my story. I'm starting to separate the friend from the guy I was with. It was hard for a while, but now when I say "I hate that person," I don't even think of him really... It's so hard to explain. I do, but I'm thinking of the person he was, not who he is to me now. I think my brain had to compartmentalize him that way to cope or something. Am I rambling? I'm rambling. Whatever, I have several of these little therapy threads on these forums where I work through shit that's been happening since October. I splat all my crazy here and then I can function in the real world, lol. :daisy:
