How To Break An Association

I broke up with my ex 5 months ago, because he was not in love with me anymore and thus was making me miserable by stringing me along for months on end. Later he did admit to me that he just was not attracted to me anymore, and that he was trying to overcome it, but in the end, he agreed that we needed to break up. It hurts to be right, but I was glad I wasn't crazy for suspecting. The problem is, I was still very much in love with him when I dumped him, but the situation was killing me, so I had to get out.

I've been feeling quite empty since the split. This is the longest I have been single in my life, and I have had a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes I have believed that I was still in love with him, but I've realized recently that it was because I was crawling back to him like a dog to an abusive owner, determined to do better and prove myself to be good enough for him, when it has nothing to do with that. We just weren't right for each other as much as I didn't want to accept it and end it. There was a lot that I was willing to overlook in him because no one had made me feel the way he did, but he wasn't that person anymore, and sooner or later the compromises were going to get old. We just weren't compatible, I guess, though I do have doubts about that due to the circumstances we were under. But that doesn't matter, because he has zero interest in me outside of friendship, anyway.

So, I have these lingering feelings of unfinished business and what ifs. I am trying to be his friend, but I feel like I am trying to be better than I am. I can be a jealous, spiteful, angry bitch, and no one save my Italian grandmother, god rest her soul, is able to hold a grudge like me. Sometimes I am good at forcing these feelings down. Other times, I'll dredge up old shit that I feel like he needs to apologize for and drag him through the mud. He has put up with it thus far, I suspect because he feels bad about what he's done to me. It's not as simple as boy meets girl, boy falls in love, boy gets bored, boy moves on. He did a lot of things to me that were not okay. Not physically, but emotionally, and while he is a changed man now, and takes full responsibility for all of it, sometimes I just can't let it go, as much as I desperately want to. Maybe I just need to accept my limitations and stop hanging out with him?

The reason I am rehashing all of this is because I feel like it's all playing a part in my inability to break this association with him being the one for me. Even 5 months later, I still have these feelings for him, even though I know logically I do not want a relationship with him. I wish I could erase it and not care, but I have this little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying "love is worth everything and it conquers all and you can't give up!" I fucking hate it. I want to bludgeon it to death and be free of it. How do I do this? I don't want to forget him. I just want to stop loving every little thing he does and feeling so lost without his love... It's pathetic. I should be stronger than this. I don't want to keep doing this to him or myself. He says I'm his best friend and he doesn't want to lose me, but has warned that eventually he won't be able to continue if I don't stop, because it's toxic. I agree, but then I get mad because he was once very toxic to me. But he isn't anymore, and he's apologized for it, so I should be able to put it behind me. And around and around I go... It's so complicated. What can I do to stop this?

 

Please stop misusing the word "love".

Obsessive swooning over a guy and his actions isn't love.
Fantasizing about what might be possible is good for writing a novel, but its not love.
Affection for qualities that you want a person to have isn't love.

Those things are closer to ownership and control than they are to love.

 

How long were the two of you together? How close and how deep was the intimacy? Was it mutual, or were you more intimate than he was? When I say intimate, I'm not referring to having sex.

If he told you you're his "best friend", is that a string keeping you strung like a puppet?

So give her information to help her fill the holes
Give an ounce of power so he does not feel controlled

Now my inner dialog is heaving with detest
I am a martyr and a victim and I need to be caressed
I hate that you negate me, I'm a ghost at beck and call
I'm failing and placating, I berate myself for staying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIBXJMcdluY

I don't know how you can break your attachment to him. Is it possible that your souls are entwined and you have a bond that can't be severed? Spiritual people talk about these strings, cords, that keep us connected. There are symbolic scissors inside you can use to try to cut the connection to him but it can be more difficult than that for some people in certain situations. Sexuality strengthens those bonds and it can take a lot of work to terminate connections. Sometimes they can't be terminated because the connection is so strong that the person becomes A PART OF YOU.

 

From what Ive seen of you, you are a beautiful women.. There is a nice guy out there for you, that wants to do the things you like to do. You should probably start dating other guys. Maybe then you can move on.

 

Seems too much thought processes going on here...something either fits wonderfully or it doesn't....and pieces finally fit....something like that anyway...plain and simple...I would think.

 

The thread I could write, about being wronged and still attracted to that person.... And we haven't been together for like three years (...or done it in like two). And I see her almost every day. And I haven't been in any other relationship in that time. In fact, I've let pretty much all of my friends slide, because taking care of a kid when the other parent (the one with more custody, in fact) has a habit of not showing, an alcohol problem, and is generally the center of the universe, you don't have much free time and have to be as flexible as jell-o.

When she says jump, I say how high, and have no relationship or outlet of my own. Meanwhile, she's somewhat involved with someone in a somewhat serious way, and I somewhat support that some of the time. And she does whatever she wants with whoever else she wants, any time she wants.

I get to start thinking about having fun in another decade or so, after giving up the whole fun part of my life. Oh, and I'm diabetic, my dick'll be just about falling off by then. So basically, I'm going to be alone from now until the day I die.

So I'm quite sure you can move on - compared to my predicament, you hardly know each other and have hardly been single a day. Don't fall back into that, relationships that are not entirely on your terms are not worth it, if you can still get out or stay out, do it. You're much too young, free, and generally desirable as a partner to be selling yourself that short. You can still do anything you want, you don't have any reason to settle or fall back into something like that.

People do legitimately change - but you'd have better luck observing the higgs boson.

 

Sounds like you are not happy unless you are getting treated like dirt

 

How to break the association? Cut him out of your life. No talking, no phone calls, no visits, nothing. The "best friend" shit is just an excuse to pull you along on a string and you won't ever be able to move past your relationship with him if you are still constantly around him. If he really DOES care about your friendship, he'll understand you need time to adjust from a serious relationship to a platonic friendship and having him up your ass 24/7 is not going to aid that process. It's still possible to be friends after it's all said and done, but it's a hell of a lot harder to get past someone if they are around all the time. Right now you're still in the wishful stage of "what ifs" and it's a lot easier to get past that when you don't have someone hanging around giving you false hopes.

 

you are repeatng what my guy friends always say in this situation "unfinished business". in my opinion, sometimes you just cant get the closure you want. you have to move on and not think of that. i know it makes it harder when you have this unfinished buisness but you have to just say fuck it and put them out of your mind. first step is deleting thier number from your phone if you havent already done so. if you have no contact you will make it much easier on yourself.

 

also, just to add to my last post, i had a girlfriend cheat on me and i witnessed it while driving home one night. that shit seriously hurt me but she wasnt the first so i just got my stuff that night and moved out that very night. this girl was so in love with me, even though she cheated on me, she tried so hard to mend things, i even had to kick her out of my house a few times becuase she kept coming over. even though i loved her and cared about her i just couldn't be with her, and seeing her crying and stuff really hurt me too. but since i really did care about her and wanted her to be happy i told her to stop contacting me so she could get over me quicker. if this guy really cared for you he would do the same thing. if he knows that he is hurting you and he doesn't stop it some how, he doesnt really have your best intrest at heart.

 

I think he's starting to realize and is taking steps to put distance between us, as am I. I'm getting to the bottom of my fears and insecurities that keeps me wanting to fix things, regardless of how much he hurt me or the fact that he doesn't have those feelings for me anymore. The more I work through it and ask myself where all this shit is coming from, the more I uncover. Sometimes I am really not in control of my feelings, though, and it's frightening. I try to just let it wash over me, and tell myself it will pass. I hate cellphones. Evil things. When I'm not rational, mine should be taken away. I have terrible self-control when I am in that state. I am working on it, though. I know that's no excuse. Thank you all for listening and for giving advice, even though some of it was hard to hear. I spent last weekend out of state without him and this weekend we're both busy, and even though he asked me along on his errands, I told him no. I've been working on getting back to me, and have been making excuses and saying I'll get around to it, but it's time to do it now. Even if it means spending a few Saturday nights courting Ben & Jerry rather than going out with him because he doesn't want to go alone. Tough shit, I guess he'll have to make some other friends. He's not getting all of me anymore.

 

Good for you! If a friendship is possible in the future, it will come. For now, you need that distance so your heart can heal.

 

i agree with complete cut off

go find a new guy ..it will be easier to forget old times when you're making new times

 

it's already established that she's a female...

 

So I have an update on how I managed to get over this... I've been holding onto him because I thought there was no one out there who could make me feel like he made me feel, but I've discvered that isn't true. Because I have come to the conclusion that I am a sub. When we first met, he was very dominant, but as time wore on, he started to get bored with that and wanted me to take charge. I tried, but I'm really not into it. Like I go numb from the waist down. It totally kills it for me. I beat myself up, thinking I was just lazy in bed and wanted the guy to do all the work, but then I realized... There's nothing wrong with me. There are plenty of men out there that like to dominate exclusively, and I would be much better off if I found one of them instead. As soon as I realized this, it was like the spell was broken. He wasn't the only person who could get my blood pumping. He's not totally irreplaceable. I mean, he is, because there will never be another him. Though he wasn't a dom, he was my first dom experience, and he's also a super-unique and fun person. I'll always love him in a way, and I am glad he's still my friend, but now that I know what I am, something has just clicked inside of me... I mean, sure I have sad moments still where I miss him, but nothing like the intense longing and mourning and despair I was going through before. I finally feel free!