How Much Do You Take (From Someone Who Was Here For You Through Thick And Thin But...)?

Okay, I may or may not get into more details later. But to break it down quickly and vaguely. If in the past- and when I say past, I mean over 4 years ago, over 5 years even...but for a long time... you put a person through some shit and they ALWAYS, no matter how mad picked you up. ALWAYS.

Okay, so. Great.

But. Say kids come along and you clean up your act. Act like an adult. Give a shit. Have responsibility. Think before you act. Act according to your morals always or pretty much so.

So, say person who, btw, was not always "innocent" before- just that they stuck with you through thick and thin. Basically, if that person started shitting on you which sends a message of "fuck you" right when it really matters, because you have kids... how much do you put up with because...well, you owe them some shit?

I am being walked over in ways that are really hurting and all I do is... well, pick up his pieces and take care of the kids and I've had enough. But don't I need to be patient? But, my question is ...for how long? It almost feels like some vengeful thing (please note he was never an innocent party in years past but that maybe my shit was a little more)... it's bullshit though cause he's gonna be 40 in a couple years and the time for BS was way past. I feel like whatever he's trying to pull is at the wrong time and I don't wanna take it. I'm not saying I'm leaving him but God... how much is e fucking nuff, right? Do I OWE him to put up with this bullshit because the past? I think I paid my dues. And then..God, when I say stuff.... he doesn't listen and I sound like a nag. Oh shame.

 

In reality you don't have to take it at all... How much you accept is up to you. There are no rules for this.

 

Well, it wouldn't be fair to not take it at all but I'm struggling with A-how much is enough and B- how to create change.

Cause me bitching isn't working.


It's frustrating.

 

You probably owe each other. Of course one can push things too far... how volatile your relationship is and how little it takes to set it off is up to you (two).

Also, midlefe crisis.

 

I realize I've been really vague. That's because I'm really not one for airing dirty laundry online or anywhere. Let's just say...

That I tried to say what it's about here and once again it seems like nagging and to get into it deeper feels like... too personal.. I don't know.

No one will get it unless I go deeper.

Let's say extreme laziness. EXTREME. All his trash goes in the sink. All of it. A diaper..when he changes it (amazing he even does that) goes on the floor... I literally pick up everything after him.
And he fucks up his medication every month and I have to pay for it. And he acts like a fucking bitch when he fucks it up. And he knowingly does it. Because he knows I'll pick him up. Even if it hurts me, cause he doesn't give a shit. Clearly. (and then he offers me solutions that I'm not trying to go to, da fuq)

 

But you are right, I do owe him. It's not like in... almost 15 years I didn't do some shit in my younger days. But come on now... we were in our 20's then, no kids...etc.

There has to be a limit. But I owe him and more than that, I love him so I'm not leaving or anything but I'm fed up with his shit right now.

 

You know what? I think I figured this out.

Anyone new reading this can still reply (obviously), but I've been holding this in for a couple weeks and I think I know the solution. Although I'm not wrong in being stressed and upset I think this is a chance for me to work on love and tolerance and forgiveness. A growing point for myself.

What I'm going to do is do all I can to be here for him cause obviously he's having a hard time. Honestly I think we need a night or weekend away without kids... I was thinking about how to talk to him to make him actually listen instead of just tuning me out and it hit me if we were alone and had FUN together, he'd listen. So, I'm gonna see what I can do and work on my acceptance of the situation.

However, if that doesn't work, I will regroup my thoughts and ideas and it may not be pretty. But for now, that's what's up.



Does anyone remember my post quite a few months back about our Escape that was shutting off gas mode and going into electric (it's a hybrid small suv) on the highways and making us pull over and then it would die...then you'd start it, same thing couple mins later...and repairs ended up being $1700? Well, hahaha. Funny thing. We got a letter on that a week ago. There has since been a gov. recall on that (coolant pump) and we will be reimbursed.Will happen in a month or two (takes time, sigh) ... so I envision the beach (I love the beach in winter) or a cabin in the woods..something...but there is the money...)

 

i feel like i remember you bitching about him over 5 years ago too...

 

You do.

We worked through all that. We've been together almost fifteen flippin years now (GOD, I'M OLD)... and we had ups and downs..and a lot of downs about five years ago. We worked though all that.

And some of that was largely my fault, but I feel like he's pushing my tolerance, what I'll take now. Know what I mean? And as i said earlier, there was no innocent in the past either.

Don't get me wrong though...reason I haven't bitched in years is, things have been good or at least okay, acceptable.

 

just the honest thing: "what you did is what you did, and that may have been wonderful. what you're doing now is what you're doing now, and it isn't."

this is what i keep saying; "there's no such thing as being (good or bad). there is only doing or not doing"
(there can be reasons beyond one's self contributing to doing or not doing, but there is still no 'being', other then to exist)

sure everything counts, but that's just it, EVERYTHING counts. 'good' AND 'bad'. and everything in between and doesn't stop doing so. the average between them can be shifted with effort, but nothing goes away from having happened. good or a bad either.

 

I hear and feel you, that kind of issues is always tricky. Maybe he's trying to push you as far as you can go to see how much you love him indeed, but most probably according to what you say he just plain isn't doing good. If he has mental health issues and doesn't take a medication he really needs to be functional I even doubt he's conscious of what he's doing (or that he can work on it, or improve himself). If that's the case, until he gets proper medication and is serious about his treatment there's no way the situation in between you two is gonna get better. First step should be to fix this, and maybe it is gonna be enough to solve your problems if this was the root cause. But no matter if he's behaving like that because he's sick or not, you don't have to take it. If it hurts, makes you feel small or degraded, or useless, or not worth it, don't take it. There is limits to what you should accept, for your own well-being. If the situation becomes toxic for you, you should at least do something to turn things around. A relationship you care about is worth fighting for, and if he cares about it too he should be able to work with you on this. I wish you good luck, be strong.

 

Thanks themnax and bassline. Bassline.. I sent this to pm because I don't wanna do into details specifics of the medication and all.

 

I am probably the wrong person to offer a suggestion. I am out of a marriage that drained me of me. I lost who I was.

Did I wonder how I was going to go on, sure...but I realized something.....I AM WORTH IT!

I am a better me...a better mom. I have found my joy, my smile...that was hidden for far too long.

We didnt do counseling. It might have helped. I am not saying divorce is for everyone. I still believe in marriage.

When my joy, my happy, me was lost...that was my doing...I allowed it.
Feel free to PM me...I know its hard...16/year marriage here.

 

You are both probably on overload right now. New babies can do that to us all. Not that it excuses things that are bothering you but with having two wee ones and tactile all day and night we tend to get a little bit closer to the edge of tolerance sometimes than we would at others.

If it is a situation that does not improve, you are one smart lady and will then figure out what you really want to do about it or need to do. Things do improve but they also do dip in cycles sometimes. Part of relationships.

Find some time for you as well Trish not just for the two of you. You need alone time to recharge. Call in your mom for a couple of hours or someone else you can trust and then spend some time pampering you.

 

it is good to not make anyone feel bad, but its doing no one favors to tell someone they're doing good when they're causing harm.

sometimes, its just life, we have to go along with things, no matter how we feel, and sometimes we don't.

sometimes going along can get us in trouble through no choice of our own, i have no answer for that.

other then to be observant and make the better choice of every choice that is yours to make.

free will is a relative thing, never an absolute one. sometimes more is within our choice. sometimes less is.

this same difficulty about this, is faced by everyone else, just as it is ourselves.

though some may deny it exists, while others may blame everything on being outside of themselves.

honest logic recognizes both, and does what it can, when it can.

that is as much as we can ask of ourselves. or others.