How much do you and your partner compromise for each other?

I've written something about this before, but it was based on the negatives of my relationship. This post is about the positives.

My partner and I are wildly different people, and not just when it comes to common interests. The whole reason we work is because we're both willing to put up with certain parts of the other that bug us. There's always the usual compromises, we watch something that the other person likes, etc. But there are more important things involved here. It brings up the question of how compatible do you really have to be for something to work?

It bugs me that he's not romantic, I can't help but go on spiels and show him cute things I find that make me think of him, and he brushes these things off... but at the same time, I've seen him do things completely out of character because of things I may have mentioned in passing that I like.

Knowing how he was when we started dating I just know that he's putting so much thought into every little thing that he does, even down to the smallest thing like stroking my hair. My other post on this topic was about how he shuts down when it looks even remotely possible that a confrontation might occur, and since then I'm not sure if I've learned to be less pushy or if he's actively forcing himself not to shut down, or both, but we haven't had an issue like that for weeks now. I feel like he's actively trying to give me more leeway, but it's one of those things that you generally don't notice unless it's happening. I seriously only realised how long it's been since he last shut down right now, as I was typing this.

ANYWAY, this may seem like a weird thing to be interested in, but I'd love to hear about your relationship quirks and compromises! It's the most interesting part of any relationship, isn't it?

 

My husband isn't romantic but he's very sensitive. We agree on the important things in life, so not much conflict there. As for the little things-we compromise. Sometimes one gives more than the other, but it's not always the same person who gives. We have the approach that our marriage is worth it and that comes first. Everything we do is for the benefit of our marriage (and our children.)

As for shows. We watch certain shows together (ones we BOTH like.) If he wants to watch something I don't like, he does it when we are not having "together" time. Same with me, though we have a toddler now and I don't have much time for watching TV by myself.

I don't force him to watch something he hates and vice versa. I don't force him to do something he doesn't want to and vice versa. We both have our alone time. We don't need to be glued to the other all of the time. That would be stifling for both of us.

 

We're very different, really different. But we have in common respect for those differences.

The only thing keeping us together is love.

I appreciate the fact he never raises his voice and that makes our home very quiet and peaceful. We can talk about everything without getting aggressive, without raising our voices, without trying to offend. That's very important to me. Peace and quiet. I don't like confrontation, noise, aggressive behavior. I wanted to live in a world without arguments, and at least in my home, I have it happen. I can't recall ever feeling the need to tell him anything offensive and I can't recall he ever doing that to me, either.

Being so different, there are many compromises. The main compromise from my side is about sex. He used to be very self-centered and I respected that. But after 20 years together, things have changed and I'm very happy about that.

Also, he's very distracted. I can't count on him for anything, because he can't anticipate things I'd like, for instance.

I never get a surprise, something done for me. That is hard to live with and I've become a very lonely person. If I ask, he'll be pleased to please, but he won't think of things himself. For instance: if I cook, I cook for the two of us. If he cooks, 99% of the time it's just for himself. If it's cold, he'll cut the heating if he's feeling warm, forgetting I suffer with the cold. If he leaves the room, he switches off the light, forgetting I'm there. If I talk to him, he won't listen, unless I call his attention before. Stuff like that, things small and big. I think he might be autistic.

The fact I'm several thousands kilometers and an ocean far from my family and he's so distracted makes it so that the only person who ever does anything kind spontaneously to me is myself.

We're perhaps not compatible, but I still give him a 10/10 as he's the best person I've ever met. Just very distracted and egoistic, but never mean.

 

Wow, good post OP. I have a lot swirling around in my head about what to respond with, one could write a book... Don't have a lot of time now but will definitely get back to you on this.

In the short term though you hit on a really fundamental principle which is that men and woman are wired differently. I find in general too much similarities isn't challenging enough, while some differences bring some spice into things. The thing is too much spice and it gets too difficult and competitive, too little spice and things could get boring too. Additionally people do change throughout their life, maybe not how you want but we do continuously evolve as well as become cynical and hard on some fronts, I think you two are experiencing some of this now or realizing it anyway. The most important thing through all this is communication, cause without that and with silence grows resentment and a hardened shell that ultimately leads to closed doors and dead ends.

Wow I really want to comment on this further and hope to come back when I have more time to. Good luck in the mean time and try to remember life is a challenge and mystery as well as it should be fun, but without the challenges, how rich is the fun?