So, I was a late bloomer - I lost my virginity at 26, currently 30 (don't know how, went to a bar blacked out woke up with a woman I was chatting with early in the night, one night stand and that's it). Never had sex again. Dating was the same. Tried online dating (one or two matches a month if that), but over the las four years I got better. I've asked out women in real life, acquaintances and friends of friends but they always said no and the few women that I did go out with never went past the first date. This all just a bit of background. I turned 30 in February and literally the same week, the amount of women responding to my online dating profiles was astronomical (hyperbole, but astronomical compared to the 1 or 2 matches a month). Nothing changed other than my age. Same profile pics, same job, same bio. Of course the pandemic made things a bit difficult, but the last couple of months have been the same. In February I went on 10 dates and in March (before lockdown) it was 8. Never went past the first date. I haven't been on a date since due to the pandemic but I've spoken to a few different women. Here's the thing though. I'm seeing a pattern and I don't know how to go forward. Because I was a late bloomer, I don't know what I'm looking for in a relationship and partner. I'd like to just date. I'm not looking for one night stands, but I also don't want to marry the next woman I meet. So, I am looking for something casual/FWB at the moment. I was honest with each of my dates and they were looking for a relationship so that's why it didn't work out. Totally understandable and I didn't think twice. For the last couple of months I've been bringing it up before we met and they stop responding. Again, their probably looking for a relationship, 2 women called me childish and told me to grow up. I get the feeling that the reason women are now showing interest in me because they look at my age and think, "oh he's 30 he's probably ready to settle down now." But I'm not. Am I being childish? Should I only be dating just have an LTR or get married? I've been thinking that maybe that ship has sailed. I see my friends (younger and same age - both male and female) all hooking up and having casual relationships, finding partners but it's not easy for me. I tend to only find women that want something serious or no one at all. So I understand why they would be upset with me if I tell them I'm not ready for a commitment yet. Maybe it doesn't even matter, to be honest. I wouldn't even know how to begin a casual relationship anyway. I have no clue what women are looking for in FWB. So why would they look at me that way? Maybe I should just give up.
You're saying you don't want a one night stand but you're not looking for a long term relationship...It sounds like you're looking for a fuck buddy. Maybe the women you are speaking too aren't, in fact, clingly relationship monsters but girls who don't want to be used like a sex toy? If by what you're telling them you're not looking for a long term relationship, that's essentially what you're saying.
I'm not saying they're "clingy relationship monsters." The conversations naturally got to the point where they asked me what I was looking for and I said I was looking for something casual and that I was looking for a friend with benefits (FWB). I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the women I was talking to. The conversations stop after I say I'm looking for something casual. From your response, it sounds like you're accusing me of being disrespectful. People have casual relationships all the time, I don't think I'm doing anything wrong for wanting a casual relationship and neither are the women for not wanting to engage. We're just different. And no, I'm looking at them as sex toys; its a mutual act. If we have sex, it should be because we both want to. My question is what do I do if I'm only meeting women who are looking for something different than I am because that has been my experience thus far? Like everyone else, I'm trying to meet someone who is on the same page as me and vice versa that's all. *****I want to be clear, that I'm not attacking the women for not wanting to have sex or a casual relationship. I am not looking for anything long term right now and I'm honest about it. It even says so on my profile. It's just where I'm at in my life and I respect that they are in a different place in their lives.*****
I kinda see where you're coming from and I didn't mean to stare at your with accusing eyes but it's the way it came across in your original post. If I saw it that way, I'm sure the women you have spoken to have seen it that way too.
Though I hope they didn't see it in a negative way, I can see what you mean. Then again what else am I supposed to say when I'm asked about what I'm looking for other than the truth? I guess I'll just keep trying, like everyone else and hopefully it'll click one day. Thank you for your response.
I am 66 and have been in nine sexual relationships, including one 6-year marriage, and a few non-sexual relationships over the years. I am usually happy being single and don't miss sex all that much, but every once in awhile the dating mood strikes me. I too was a late bloomer, losing my virginity at 26. It's stressful to be where you are, in the middle, regarding the seriousness of relationships. The last relationship I was in I ended, without sex, because I didn't want it to get too serious, and it was headed that way. I suggested fuck-buddy status, but she was much more into it and was insulted, although we're still friends. Many have told me that I don't have to marry the women I get involved with, to quit being so damned serious, and to just have some fun and let things happen. It has been my experience there are many who are totally resolute yet date multiple people at once, which to me is a total contradiction. I am too old for a strictly sexual relationship and absolutely don't want to get married again unless the SO was as close to perfect as possible. My last girlfriend emailed me six months ago and told me her goal was to have a booty call in every state, but I'm not interested. A FWB would be a perfect solution, and of course I know they're out there, but I'm not actively looking. The key is getting lucky or working your ass off and the process of elimination. Hang in there.
I hope the OP returns to read this. You're being too honest up front when you tell what you are looking for. I don't advocate telling a lie but only share that information with those who need it. On the first date she doesn't need to know you are only looking for a occasional fuck. The majority of women do not want a fuck buddy relationship. They want to be romanced. So your honesty in saying what you are looking for bothers them and they move on. On your next date keep your goal to yourself. When she asks tell her you are attracted to her and are looking to see where this may lead. Also after she has asked what you are looking for ask her what it is she wants. Then focus the date on her life, likes, enjoyment, and anything else about her. Show interest in her beyond sex. At the end of the date tell her when the next date will be, not if it will be. It may take several dates for her to want to have sex with you but once it starts it might continue until she realizes there isn't any more than what you are giving. But at least you have your arrangement without saying that's what you want.
