How do you know it's time to ask for divorce?

.......

 

Don't apologise Seek all the help you need. Some people just....... criticising others who are struggling. Ignore him.

 

xxaru has made his complaint, and one complaint post is sufficient. further complaint posts on the same subject might be seen as harassing

name calling, however, is not necessary, and is against forum guidelines. cut it out.

 

Ideally, before you propose.

 

I think when you have to ask the question "when is it time" it's time.

 

I didn't read every one of your posts like xxaru does but counselling is worth a try before you walk away.
I've only been married 20some years so I am no master of marriage but I no we have had some great ups and downs. We have managed to ride out the bad and still love each other very much.
Marriage takes work not just talking you have to give along with what you get.
Good luck I hope you come to some sort of decision

 

I'm sorry. I have to post sing this:

"My D-I-V-O-R-C-E, becoooomes final to-day.."

Patsy Cline, I thiiiink. I know right, I'm from texas, I'm supposed to know this.

 

I think you could well have hit the nail on the head.

 

Geezus. Charming.

If you do make the break, looks like you may have to disappear completely, He Sounds like the type that might go postal

 

Tammy Wynette

 

I'm considering doing something, but I'm still just thinking about it, because I know it will make him suffer.

What I'm considering is sharing with him the burden of that decision. I'm gonna tell him how I'm feeling and that the way it is now, it isn't working for me. I'll tell him again that I'm very frustrated about my sex life and that I'll give myself the freedom to try to get satisfaction on my own, without the limits he's imposing till now.

I'll tell him I don't know if that will solve the problem, but that it is what I think may save our relationship. Therefore, I wanna try it.

I'll tell him I'll give him some time to decide if he wants to accept that. If he decides he doesn't want to, then we'll go for divorce and I'll wait till we're divorced to act on my wishes.

What these wishes are: I don't wanna depend on his authorization anymore when I feel like looking for sex with other men. And the men will be ones of my choosing, not his.

I'd also tell him that if he accepts the change and decides we can still be together, I won't look for sex away if he makes the effort to give me one orgasm every time he gets one.

If you have any opinions on this idea, I'd like to read it.

 

if you feel the need to tell him this now, that might be good

on the other hand, talking to a therapist first about how to handle this might help things go more smoothly

you have a right to express how you feel about your relationship. if the way that you express it seems hostile, you'll probably get a negative reaction

 

I think talking this over with a professional/therapist is a good idea. My concern is with the apparent lack of respect your partner has for your feelings/health. Demanding sex when you are unwell or in pain is a blatant disregard for you as a human being. This coin has two sides though. Does he force you to have sex or do you just give in to his demands to avoid conflict? If he's not forcing (ie. raping you), it is up to you to say "no, I will not give you a blowjob" and you need to remain firm about this. If you don't insist on respect, you won't likely get it. Caving in to these selfish demands when it's quite obviously hurting you is just giving him permission to continue disrespecting you.

As for when it might be time to consider divorcing, try to imagine spending the rest of your life in your current situation. If that thought horrifies or depresses the hell out of you, then perhaps it's time. You sound unhappy to me. People can change their behavior, therapy can help, but there is no guarantee that it will and at mid life those behaviors are well established and a lot of the time, genuine change just doesn't happen unless it is really a desire of both partners. If anything, therapy will help you become more assertive, less willing to be victimized or controlled and will help you move forward, whichever path you decide to take.

Both you and your partner are ultimately responsible for your own feelings and behavior toward one another. If your partner is hurt or upset with you wanting a divorce, that is his problem and he'll have to either find a way to cope or agree to (and actually) make some genuine changes in the way he relates to you. His being hurt or sad about it should not be a consideration in your decision. It's not a nice feeling when you make a decision that will hurt someone's feelings but you can't simply trade your happiness and fulfillment in life for his. Is he somehow more entitled or deserving of these things than you are? Why? Can someone else really love and respect you if you don't show that love and respect for yourself? These are all questions you need to consider and a therapist can really help sort them out. Best to just quietly go on your own at first then if you decide you want to salvage this relationship, insist on a mutually agreeable, objective referee.

 

I must admit to being confused - on the one hand you are stating your husband is a failure in the bedroom, and demanding and demeaning - and on another thread you state you write heavy porn, and your husband let's you fuck anyone you want, and how you love to flirt with strangers and fuck....

Your initial post seems to suggest you are pressured by your hubby, giving the impression he controls you, yet this man allows you to fuck anyone?

If he would be so hurt at you leaving him, I am pretty sure he would be up to pleasuring you in the bedroom if he knew you were going to leave. He can't be that controlling if he allows you to fuck around with other men and you are an open flirt (as you admit elsewhere.)

Something doesn't weigh up. It seems to me that the top and bottom is that your husband is not interested in making passionate meaningful love to you so you go get your pleasure elsewhere, but it is you that really wants your husband, not the other way around, and you would stop fucking other men if he showed you attention.

IMHO from what you state about your husband, I think he would get over the divorce easier than you think. But, as I said, there seems to be mixed messages from your posts in other threads, not tallying with posts in this thread.

I can't believe that the confident woman aura you are giving off matches with the somewhat "timid oppressed wife" character you are trying to portray. A woman who writes "non vanilla" porn, (implying hard core) and loves flirting with men and fucking them, does not need to ask when the right time is for divorce. You seem far more in control than you are letting on. Your posts seem to contradict sorry!

 

I will see a therapist. I'm already inquiring to find a suitable one. I've already made some calls. I just don't know if I can wait. It's suffocating me. And I've remarked I'm not treating him as usual. Yesterday, I've snapped at him and said something negative. I'm not like this. If I'm losing myself and starting to be unkind to him, he should know why.

We don't lie to each other, nor do we like to keep secrets. And yet, now I feel I'm conspiring on his back. It is wrong. I don't wanna end this with resentment.

 

He has never been violent. He just says what he wants and I give in. At the very beginning of our relationship, I've made him a promise. A promise I'm still keeping. He was very insecure about sex and in a conversation, I've promised him never to deny him sex.

If I'm not ill, I don't mind giving him what he wants. I enjoy giving him oral, sex, in general. I lust him. I miss his body and the closeness of sex. I crave him.

I don't take his egoism as disrespect. I think his lack of empathy is what causes it and I think it is pathological, a real problem in his brain, not something he does on purpose. Call it bad wiring. I imagine that when he was growing up, the ingredients that make us less egocentric were missing. I also wonder if it could be genetic, because his parents are just the same, mainly his mother. She's not a bad person, but also lacks empathy.

But I hear what you say. I don't know if I can wait much longer without hurting him in the process. I don't know if not being open about it right now is the same as lying to him, which I've never done. If I tell him now, at least I'll still be the woman who trusts him and who he can trust.

I do care for what he feels and will feel, because I love him, and because I know he loves me. But if I was in his place, I'd wanna know what is going on.

Also, I'm being egoistic in my thoughts: I'm in a hurry to get some release.

It's a lot of emotions going on and I'm trying to see clear through it. It isn't easy.

 

I'm a very confident woman. And my self-esteem is pretty high. I'm very liberal about sex. My parents were open about sex. They've done swinging, bi experiences, etc. I have very few taboos. I'm also very respectful of people's freedom and I don't believe in forcing anyone to do things against one's will. I'm not jealous and have never been and the only reason to ever be monogamous to me is to respect a man's wish. If he wishes for it.

Having said all that, I don't need sex with multiple partners. I much prefer to have sex with the man I love. But if the man I love doesn't find any happiness in giving me an orgasm, I see nothing wrong with looking for it with other men, as long as my husband knows and authorizes me to do so.

I started my sexual life very early and I have no real regrets about things I've done and experimented with. I write a lot, from science fiction to porn. When I write about something, it doesn't mean I'd like to do it myself. It is fiction. Some things are my fantasies, some things are meant to arouse somebody else. An author who writes about the mafia isn't necessarily a mafioso.

I've met one man one day and fell in love with him. He was my age, but inexperienced and very different. He still lived with his parents as an adult man. He had problems with sex at the beginning, but I didn't leave him because of that. I loved him. And he loved me. I've given him time and opportunity to get over his issues. He was willing to try and that was OK to me. This man is a wonderful person and we have a few things in common, like our love for traveling and hiking. But, just like me, he isn't perfect.

Ironically, if a woman would write here that the guy had ED and she just left, she'd be labeled shallow. I've stuck with the man I loved, in spite of his problems and one can't understand.

Anyway, he overcome many of his problems and to me that was a sign everything would be Ok. Sexually, I had had better lovers, but I loved this man. Deep love, not something shallow that wouldn't resist the first adversity.

He seemed happy to satisfy me. Till after we married. He stopped catering for my orgasms. Years later, admitting he didn't like doing the things I need in bed to climax, we decided for an open marriage. He wanted to try sex with other women and I wanted sex with any man who would care to give me an orgasm. But he imposed some limits on my side of it. I can only fuck strangers.

I've accepted. I never wanted to hurt him, anyway. It is my fault and I'm just getting what I deserve. And yet, I'm frustrated.

And I'm thorn between sexual frustration and the pudor of hurting my husband.

He isn't jealous and we go to lifestyle clubs. He likes to see me dancing and teasing other men. I give him oral in public and he enjoys it. And I can have sex with men there. I take these opportunities to get my orgasms. I love having sex with multiple partners in these occasions.

When I'm on vacation alone, I also can fuck strangers. I don't do it on his back: he consented on it.

On a post just before this one I talk about bis problem, his lack of empathy. He doesn't hate me. He's not mean. He just can't help it. But I'm very frustrated, it's adding up with the years and the things he stopped doing in bed.

I know it is my fault and that I'm just getting what I deserve. If I had given up on him when he showed the first problems I wouldn't be here, now. But I loved him. I still love him. It's all my fault.

 

Well, I read your posts for comedic value. I like reading your posts and I'm not gonna put you on ignore. But you expressed a dislike of reading someone else's post. So you were given practical advice to just not read it if you don't like it.

Now please carry on. I'm gonna go make some popcorn.

 

Make some for me too please :lurk5:

 

A person with healthy self-esteem would never make a promise to always pander to another's insecurity...and thus further enable it. Sacrificing your own well being to do this isn't really love, it's more like co-dependence.

Whether you like giving oral sex or not is irrelevant. You have said you don't want to give it when you're ill but you do it anyway.

If you have communicated to him that you don't want sex right now and he continues to insist that you do, it is disrespect and disregard for you, however you choose to interpret it

A lack of empathy (the inability to comprehend what another thinks or feels) is a symptom that is common in many people with Asperger's syndrome and other autistic spectrum disorders. It is indeed heritable. A lack of empathy (a complete, uncaring disregard) for another's thoughts and feelings is also common to all psychopaths. Given your description, it sounds as though your partner may have Asperger's. It doesn't mean you have to cater to his every insecurity so as not to upset him. In fact, doing that is probably bad for both of you.

It is not the same as lying. You have a right to think through your feelings and obtain help doing that if needed before you talk to him about it and before you make any decision about it.

How could you possibly tell him what's going on if you don't even know yourself - haven't sorted out your feelings yet?

I don't expect it is easy but wanting to feel loved by your partner is not egoism and martyrdom or abnegation is not love. If Asperger's is indeed the problem, there are certain accommodations that can and perhaps need to be made, but not those which come at the expense of your own sense of well being. I strongly suggest you seek some professional help with it. Your partner may benefit greatly from this as well.