How do you guys handle mooches?

I guess maybe it depends on the circumstance but how far do you go out of your way to help someone who should be capable of getting their shit together but instead just does the minimum and then asks for help when shit comes up?

 

i've been trying to figure that out lately. so far i'm just giving him enough to get by, but commenting on his moochiness every time i do it. i feel like pretty soon i'm going to have to go full cut-off though.

 

Curb stomp them.

Ok, I'm not that extreme. My sister is a mooch. I don't fall for it anymore. I simply say "Nope. Sorry". Occasionally she will come to my house and ask for $20 for gas to get back home because she lives an hour away. She has 7 kids still living at home so I understand money is tight but it gets frustrating when I hear her talk about what she actually does spend her money on then asks me for money. I never carry cash anymore so its easy for me to say no to her. There was a time when I was raising 3 of her kids for her. Buying them school clothes, paying for their day care, feeding them without asking to be paid back. I feel like I don't owe her anything. I feel like I've done enough. She has gotten to the point that she doesn't ask anymore.

 

I was actually irritated about a friend who needed a ride...again... but I think I will let my point slide after reading this.

 

Oh, a ride? Yeah, I would do that but please make your point. It does get frustrating when people don't get their shit together when they have the means to. It's just laziness.

 

It depends on the situation. But I am very blunt. But like I said, depending. If I know they have a lot going on that can affect linear thought and what not I will let a lot slide compared to someone I know is just trying to use people.

But I'll give them the hey bro look, you need to take care of some of this shit yourself more and stop pulling me away from important stuff I'm doing for help with something I know you can handle. The other ones I will just tell them to shut the fuck up I don't want to hear it.

 

The dude seems to mooch of his GF. He works a few hours a day, 2-3 days a week. She pays all the bills and pays for his hobbies. I really don't give a shit because it's not my problem. But a few weeks ago I went to help him with his car. I told him what he needed to do. He didn't do it. He's asked me numerous times to come help with his car since then. I left band practice tonight to go pick him up and when I got to where he was supposed to be I got a text saying he was already home but he wanted me to come pick him up to help him get his car home. Well...fuck that. I have shit going on, dude. I'm not a fucking 24-7 mechanic. It kind of pissed me off. If he would have done what I told him to do weeks ago this never would have happened.

 

Fuck that, I would've told him some really harsh things about growing a set of balls and becoming a man.

 

See, now that's totally different than what I was thinking. Fuck that. Tell him to figure his shit out himself. I think I would always be too busy to help. You've done enough. If he didn't have the decency to tell you he didn't need a ride after all tonight and you changed your plans to help him out then fuck him. You shouldn't put up with that kind of disrespect. Sorry dude, I'm busy. Call someone else or better yet, get your shit together.

 

Well...I maybe should have done that but I didn't. It's really cold here so I thought he just need a quick ride and I wasn't very far away. But I had to get back to the studio so I had a good excuse to bail on him.

 

No I meant from now on. Maybe not be that mean but at the minimum I'd let him know that not everyone has a bunch of free time because they only work 2 hours per day. And if you help him out it's going to be on your time. That's what I say to people that are friends enough to where I have history with them, but I only hear from them when their car is screwed up.

And I make sure they hook me up somehow. Food, drinks, weed, money. Not running a soup kitchen here.

 

As with everything, I set limits. I help, but with a general timeframe and agreement between myself and the person I'm helping.

I do not think vulnerable people are entitled to help, much less of the unlimited kind. Charity and the good will of others is a privilege, not a right.

Three strikes you're out still applies...but let me be more concrete:

I have given insignificant sums to friends and strangers alike, but I've only been asked for a significant amount twice. In one case, it was a "friend" who cut me off without saying good-bye and then called me out of the blue with a gambling debt. There was no way in hell, I told him. And I told him exactly why too.

Another time it was a fuck buddy who wanted to be promoted to girlfriend status in spite of my protestations. In that case, I gave her the full benefit of the doubt, but not without a talk first.

But in talking to her, it was obvious that she felt she was entitled to my money because she was a girl and I am a boy who was having sex with her. She would not agree to paying my money back within a timeframe. So, she was out too.

But I'm, on general principle, willing to help if I feel the person on the receiving end is genuinely grateful and intent on returning the favor.

Moochers are easy to spot, and enablers have no one to blame but themselves.

 

I know a guy who smokes up all his money and basically has nothing to show for his life. He prides himself on high morals (laughable ones) and being above material items - but he's the first to whine and complain when he needs something.

He was about to drive from Georgia to North Dakota, without a cell phone, in a shitty car, and no gps during winter. Idk about you but to me that sounds really risky. Its true we got by for many years without such luxuries but that doesn't change the fact he was driving a super unreliable vehicle during winter. Anyway I offered to buy him a burn phone for his trip, just a prepaid cell phone as a security measure in the event he became stranded. Keep in mind, I was not working at the time and I'm usually a tightwad with everyone except my fiancé who I shower with everything… so to offer this when I was not earning an income was going out of my comfort zone. He whined and refused the phone and begged for a GPS that was 4x the price. I could afford it, I have savings, but it was a total slap in the face and unappreciative of him. So he got nothing.

I give when I can but I'm also a heavy saver. I get what I need and want for my nest and save. Anyone who isn't in my household can typically go F themselves. Thats my survival mentality.

However, there is a girl I've given a lot to. She's 5 years younger than me and has faced a lot of hardships. She grew up on the poor side, bounced around with her mother who eventually chose drugs over her child and dumped my friend on her father. Her dad wasn't much better, he never had food in the house and rarely spoke to her. The most I ever saw was a pack of hot dogs and buns. I remember when I was 21, she was 16 and would starve for days because she had nothing to eat. So I would typically go pick her and her friends up, take her to lunch and maybe get her nails done. I donated a ton of clothes to her all times through the years and tried to give her advice for career, job choices, friends, boys etc. She eventually had a baby by deadbeat who was in and out of jail constantly.
I once gave her $400 to help with her deposit on a new place she was to share with roommates and advised her to keep a distance from her baby daddy. She and the father of her child eventually moved into the place, caused fights with her roommates and stole an amp from one of them. She refused to end the relationship so she was kicked out.
There was really no amount of help I could give her to keep her in a healthy home. She had started to rely on me as the person who would come save her from bad situations. Ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves. With that said, I will usually give when I can until I realize my own health and peace is at a risk for loss.
I had to distance myself from her because it became too stressful for me. Last I heard, she eventually hit rock bottom and starting using meth etc (which is a drug that totally deteriorates a persons character). She went to jail for 6 months then an outpatient rehab. Apparently she is trying to get it together now. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom and experience tough love, and true loneliness before they can learn to rely on themselves as a source of strength.

Also, in hindsight I can see that I gave so much to her due to feelings of guilt from having a good upbringing and relationship with my mother. Pitying her probably grew into an unhealthy enabling / mooching dynamic.

Oh and recently I had groceries sent to a friend who lives out of state. He and his family have been struggling for a while. They exhaust food banks (which don't provide as much as one might think) and he has been looking for work for months. I let him know I cannot make it a regular thing but that since I could help, I would. Having an extra $150 is not worth watching a family starve imo.

 

Sounds like he had over protective parents or something. He must have not learned some lessons early in life. I know someone like that - he lived with his parents until late in life and was never expected to do anything (his mom mowed the yard while he watched tv). When he goes overboard on mooching favors, I usually just tell him, in a polite way, that I have stuff to do myself and that he needs to start getting his stuff together. Others are a lot more blunt and even rude to him and sometimes I tthink that gets through to him more.

 

I don't even have to answer his texts and I don't have a problem telling him I'm busy...even if I'm not. And I don't even expect anything in return...especially from my good friends.

One thing that gets me is that there are certain people who seem to continually have problems, complain about how it costs too much to fix this or do that...but then they always seem to have money to buy weed. I think this guy is one of those guys.

Another guy I used to work with complained about his boots all the time. I told him he should get some like mine and his problems would be over. He actually got really smug and said "Not everyone can afford $300 or $400 boots!!" I was kind of offended by the tone in his voice and told him "If you don't want to spend money on decent boots, I don't give a shit but don't act like you can't buy them when you buy an ounce of pot every week."

 

That's exactly how the dude strikes me but I admit it's only an assumption on my part.

 

The guy texted me again tonight. I didn't answer because I was busy but I guess he figured it out without me so that's good. Btw...I hope I didn't come across earlier as saying people shouldn't buy pot or whatever else they want. It doesn't bother me a bit but if it's a priority and a person wants to spend that much money on what's important to them...then they can hardly complain that they don't have other things or other issues resolved when they easily could if they just decided to.

 

I usually help mooches in case I am ever in the position of having to become one.

Seriously, no one can be a mooch unless I allow that behaviour and for a time I might. It would depend on why and history. If I cared about them, I would allow it. If not I would distance myself.

Sometimes some ones else's need feeds our own, time for a couch and why we allow it then rather than they do it.

 

ive had one friend mooch off me..it was pretty easy to fix...on the 6th missed payment i paid him a visit and took my truck back so i could sell it to someone who actually paid

havent seen him since and dont miss him

 

That don't sound like a mooch. That actually sounds pretty pimp and alpha as fuck.