How Do You Get Someone Into "kink" Who Isn't Into It?

Greetings Hep cats. I need help. Here's my sit:

I'm in a long term relationship with an almost perfect woman (smart, caring, beautiful, talented). We have a somewhat conventional/traditional sex life. For a while I've been getting urges to expand my sexual horizons (swing, polyamoury, etc.) I've tried to ease into the subject of getting a little kinkier a few times, like mutual masturbation or sex toys, and when I do, a wall goes right up. I'll approach the topic like "have you ever thought about...XYZ" and the answer I get is a curt "nope!" I feel with almost certainty that she will react negatively if I bring up the subject of swinging, etc.

What can I do? Is there a way to ease her in? How do you get someone into kink who isn't into it? Even just starting with getting her to masturbate.

I certainly don't want to end the relationship (and won't under any circumstance), and I don't want to sneak around on her either, but I'm starting to feel stifled. Even if I got myself a sex toy or 2 and hid it, I'd still feel like I'm sneaking around.

Any comments are greatly appreciated.

Peace!

 

You can't really ease someone into something they're not interested in. Rather than trying to change her, either accept that she's not a kinky person, or leave her so she can find someone who can respect that. If you've already introduced these things, and she's said no, then just leave it alone. Have you bothered to ask if she has any fantasies she would like fulfilled, or are you just concerned about yourself?

 

woe is me, i only get to have sex with one person...

 

You need to find another woman. She is far from perfect for you. Trying to change her is not going to work. You obviously have a MUCH greater sex drive than her. Re-read your original post. The answer is right there.

Have you been involved in a threesome, or orgy before? If so, you know what you need. If not, then you are going to find out. You are probably going to like it...alot! You need a partner (or partners), who understand this about you and is happy to celebrate it, not just tolerate it.

Good Luck!

 

Thanks for the advice, VerySexual. I guess I didn't specify clearly enough, but at this point, it's urges and curiosity, nothing more. It's not anything that's deal-breaking or anything I'd want to throw away an otherwise good relationship with a wonderful person over, especially if it's something I might not even be into in the long run. I've had urgings to try other things, like an exotic food or drink, and once I tried it, I found that I actually didn't like it. But obviously there's comparatively little risk trying food or drink - not so much with sex.

 

Oh, I guess 10-20-30 years is not TOO long to be unsatisfied in your sex life. Have patience. Maybe when she's 60-70, she might change her

mind. Until then-----hell--I don't know.

 

I was like your wife. My hubby started bringing up that he'd find it so hot to see me fucked by another man during sex. I was initially appalled. He kept bringing it up, though, and it would get him harder just talking about it, so I started using the fantasy in dirty tak when it was time for him to come. My inner fantasy world and sex drive were pretty poor, but in allowing myself to use dirty talk for his sake, I started liking how it affected him and I began imagining how it would be for me. I then began thinking about BBC, too. So, we've actually begun talking about this becoming a reality.

The main thing is "communication!" Can you talk with your wife about likes and dislikes, what you would like more of or less of in your love-making? Start there. When you've been together a long time (18 years for us!) it's ok to say that you'd like to try to spice things up a bit, starting with verbalizing fantasies, saying they're just fantasies, and then if she gets loosened up by it a bit, eventually talking about adding this to your sex life, telling her how very exciting you find it to imagine her being done by another guy, seeing her getting so much pleasure, wanting her to have it.

For me, I was all about fidelity and didn't want to ruin our relationship, but with his persistence, I allowed myself to fantasize more about it and it turned me on. This is better than couples stepping out on each other in an affair due to dis-satisfaction, which was always my fear, that he'd do it to me or I'd do it to him if someone showed interest in me and I was looking for that validation. My honey is the loyalest, most-trustworthy of men so I don't worry about him stepping out on me, but I have been bad that way in a prior relationship and never wanted to be that person again. This way, it's all above board with the stipulation that it's about sex and only sex, not about romance, falling in love, etc. It's always nice to know other men find me attractive, and no matter how many times my honey of so many years tells me I am, it's still exciting to know someone else does, too. And, life is short and we're more than halfway through it, so with his permission, I'd love to experience a big cock again!

 

Thanks, DieselGirl. I very much appreciate the woman's perspective on this topic.

You actually sound like the girl version of myself. I have tiptoed into discussing fantasies over time, but it's very slow going. I've been trying to ease into it. My fantasies make hers pretty pale by comparison, so I don't want to come right out of the box into "I'd love to watch a woman go down on you". Or am I going too slow with it?

I want to find that level of pleasure, but I want her to find it with me. At this point I'd almost take public acknowledgment of the fantasy over the actual fulfillment of it.

 

You don't. You appreciate the boundaries your lover has and accept it, or you find someone else.

"Don't try to change me" isn't just a male saying.

 

If a wall is going up, you're making her uncomfortable. How tolerable she is of discomfort will determine how much of it she will accept from you. You know her, so you know the answer to that.

 

unless she is willing to try some experimenting with toys/porn/etc with just the two of you I believe you can hang up any thought of anything more. IF she does decide she wants to try a few items that still does not mean she will use them again or progress further.

I had a girlfriend years ago that I remained friends with long after we split up. She was the type that would sleep with a different guy nearly every night. BUT she found the use of toys absolutely disgusting. to her masturbation was gross, and she just would have none of it. And even though I know for a fact she slept with more than 1 guy in a single night, she would not do a threesome/swap as she thought that gross as well.

my wife was not into toys/swapping/etc when we first met. a friend of hers threw a passion party and went on a whim. bought her first vibrator there and honestly it was a month before she worked up courage to use it. after that she would use it on occasion by herself, but had no problem with using it as a toy when we were making out. Later she brought up the idea of being with a female, even though she never had done it before. the first several 3somes we did were fmf, then she finally was open enough to do a mfm after we did some partner swapping a couple times. Even though she enjoys these types of things and we have done them numerous times I have learned NOT to press for them. the key with anyone is let them do only as much THEY want when they want to do it.

take it slow, and let her decide when and more importantly IF she wants to move to using any toys or allow someone else to watch/join in.

 

Some people have a fantasy of romantic monogamy and true love. Sounds to me like that's her "fantasy". If she was hot to trot for anything else, she would've let you know. You seem like you're a hound, looking for a fox ... then morph *your* ideal partnership into king and queen lion and lioness or something. Maybe she just isn't into the primal version of love, sex, hunger and appetite.

 

Lots of great advice! Many thanks everyone!

 

I think a thing like this really depends on the way you are conveying your point across, as much as it does on your girlfriends preferences.

"Have you ever thought off XYZ..." is not a good way of doing it, because you are putting her on the spot, and in the worst way possible too. There is no way for her to know what you want her to say, because some guys actually desire modest women, and women have it ingrained that being sexual open is a sure way to get ostracized. Her saying no doesn't actually mean that she is opposed to XYZ it personally, just that she has not thought about it. For example "Have you ever though about having sex with two guys?", she says yes and plenty of guys might say "Oh so I am not enough for you anymore, and you need to two dicks to be satisfied? I knew you were a slut, so GTFO".

IMO, a much better way to do it, is to do something first and talk to her about it after the fact. Obviously start as small and as slow as possible, but as long as you talk about it after and ask her how it made her feel and if shed like you to do it ever again, then you will at least make some psychological progress. Ultimately, no one on this forum is there in bed with you guys so it is impossible for us to give you a suggestion with what you should even start with.

And to all the people on this forum saying that your girlfriend is who she is, I say that's complete bullshit because I am yet to find a girl that didn't at least get curious about some stuff. As an example, my current long-term girlfriend preferred to have sex with lights off under the covers that made the sex very boring and I thought I was dating a prude. After gradually pressing the subject of sex and asking her each and every time after I tried anything new, I have learnt that she's had at least one FFM threesome in the past, loves getting chocked when she orgasms, and doesn't think a blowjob is done properly if she doesn't swallow. She also fantasizes about getting fucked in a moving elevator in a tall building riding from top to bottom, where we have just enough time to start and finish before other people see us. Communication is key my friend.


By her own admission, she cared about me so much from the beginning that she did not want to lose me by revealing any of her past sexual experiences, desires or fantasies in fear that I might be freaked out and leave.

 

There are so many different levels of kink, sometimes slipping on a simple new piece of lingerie or pull up stockings...does the trick, and adds that extra layer of excitment. I think always adding an element of surprise is important to a relationship. Some people just feel dirty if they use too many toys, etc. But, it does not have to be anything extereme. I think another thing that more prudish people may feel is embaressed...embaressed to go out shopping in case anyone sees them! One idea would be to simply place an order with an online company. There are so many to choose from these days, all over the country (and world :dizzy2...But one company I found and have ordered from a couple of times is Pink Cherry. They seem to have a good selection of kink and "normal" stufF. Simple stockings, or crazy extereme stuff (that may be too much)...the other thing is that their packing is VERY discreet! good luck!