How Do You Encourage Someone To Work?

I actually agree with the more extreme advice after that post. The guy should be ditched. It is not merely being obvious, it seems the right advice in this situation.

They seem to be past the stage of triggering him into doing something. Taking a luxury or small necessity away from him won't do anything if what you state about the situation is all true.

 

Of course, I have my interpretation of what is happening, but as far as events go what I said is true.

I got worried when their landlord got so aggressive with my sister. He is a sweet guy. I met him a long time ago. So, I couldn't believe he would threaten to evict my sister with three kids. He also called her dirty, because the carpet was apparently dirty. I guess he had enough, considering the rent is never paid on time. But, yea... I was really worried. So, I got involved, by sharing some ideas regarding work. You know how it is to get involved in someone else's relationship. If you do that odds are you will always be the one that gets slammed. Even if you are right. Anyways, I shared these ideas with my sister. And though, she didn't 'slam' me I think she disregarded me. What do I know, anyways? I'm not married. Or ever been married. I was close to it, though. I'm young. Etc. I guess I have a new found arrogance to me because my ex didn't want to work either. You know how that is, when someone experiences something they think every situation like that is exactly the same. So, I can march to my sister and tell her how I left him because that was the right thing to do. And you know what will happen? She will cut me off. Well, that is before she tells me off. I don't want that. So, I can't be the one to tell her there is no hope anymore in their marriage. Also, like I said... it seems to me they are used to the life they have. They make it through. My sister works around her husband. If rent can't be paid, she won't get upset with him. She will simply ask my mom for money. If he gets upset and leaves on a day she has to work, again she won't get upset with him. She will just call in that she will miss work. She always has a solution to work around him, no matter if he does nothing, or makes things worse. And as sad as it is appears to EVERYONE, even them, I bet... it freaky works, as far as convenience goes.

One good thing that came out of this is that it motivated me to work because I'll be damned to be like my sister's husband. Yes, I'm a female, I don't have a family to support, I have another source of income, and I have an 'excuse'. But, still. It disgust me that he doesn't work. I'm at the point in which if anyone came to me with their struggles regarding unemployment I would judge them harshly. Same goes with myself. So, I had to get up and work. No matter how much in pain I am, I have to. I can't be like him.

 

I personally don't judge everyone that is unemployed and even apathic and depressed where it comes to finding a job harsh. But you gave enough details to form such an opinion on this dude.

 

Yea, he sucks. There is actually more, like things he has done to other people, but I wanted to focus on what his unemployment has done. Actually, I didn't want to disclose any details. You know how it is when you say too much online. You start looking weird to other people. Even though, disclosing these tough things online is probably the best place to disclose them because you most likely won't ever meet these people. Anyways, I just wanted to know how to motivate someone to work. But, people wanted details, so I shared.

I tried. My sister won't have it. And that's it. End of story. All of this has made me so glad that I'm not with my ex, because I would have been living the same life, probably worse. And i'm glad I work now. I can't express that enough. Another thing is I know that if I told my sister anything negative about her husband she would counteract me by telling me what I allowed to happen in my relationship with my ex. I can justify it by saying things like that I wasn't married or had kids with the guy, that I'm younger, that I eventually left the guy, etc. None of that would matter because at a point I did allow things to happen.

It's crazy. I've never encountered a man that stood by his partner regardless of her many wrongdoings. I've even met men that left for things that wasn't even the fault of the woman. For example, developing cancer. But, I have met many women that are with men who beat them, molest their children, not work, cheat, etc, and they still stay with them. I don't know what is the deal with that. These woman scare the shit out of me. You don't mess with their man. Of course, I know this isn't the case for everyone. I'm just referring to my experiences.

When we enter a relationship we both need to put in the time and effort to make it work. Not put the time and effort, or lack of time and effort to destroy it.

 

Sorry to say it but you she has a terrible relationship and you're doing way too much. It's not just a lesson for him to learn, it's a lesson for you to learn. You are in a co-dependent relationship. You can't let him learn his own lessons and control his own life as an adult and he won't let you have your own life and worry about your own illness cause he needs you to take care of him...shouldn't it be the other way around. You're the one who is sick, right?

I've been there and done that and it's never going to work out for you...not long term. You might be able to get him to do some work, but his personality is clearly one in which he doesn't care about the hard work of others taking care of him...someday you will see that you are putting him on you as if it's your job to put him into school and make a career for him. That's something he needs to do himself. It's only going to drain you. The whole fact that you've made this post is more than you should be doing for him.

It'd be different if he was trying. He's got to face the real world and know what it's like to stand on his own two feet without someone else pushing him to do it and you have to learn to let him fail, not eat, not have the things he's enjoying, just like other people who don't have work or money. He'll figure it out for himself or not, but you're not going to be putting so much effort and money into having someone do something they don't want to do(and therefore they just might not do fully or for a very long period of time).

Like I said, I've been there. I'll never do it again. You don't deserve it and neither does he, because frankly it's not helping him to be helped so much if he ever hopes to be an adult.

 

I presented my concerns to my sisters husband. And I told him to keep it between us. But, he told my sister. And she disowned me. Also, she stopped calling my mother for money. Yup. So, I guess thats the end of that.

I have to respect that she wants to live a life where she does the housework, she works, and she homeschools the kids, because the husband wants that (She told me years ago that she never wanted to homeschool the kids). She still has hope that the husband will get a job, and get his affairs in order. Maybe he will. I believe he will. It doesn't help anyone to be negative. I have to respect and understand that she rather be apart of his family, and not ours.

I lost my sister. And I have to respect that. Understand that.

I will say one thing, though. As the years go by my health will deteriorate due to a new found illness that I have. So, when that happens, I don't think I will allow her to be apart of my life. I know her. She will make an appearance trying to show her grace, but it's not the same as love, and care. So, I think I will reject her when I get that ill. I don't know if that is the right choice, or not. But, I just have a feeling that is what I will do. My resentment and hatred is slowly growing. So, I think that's what will happen. Maybe not. I don't know.

 

Try butting out of their business, and find your own life..

 

My Dad had a very strong work ethic. He was always of the attitude..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Adz1aWRsDw8

I'm very sorry to hear that you are struggling with illness and chronic pain aoabai. Maybe a little time away from your sister will allow your relationship to renew itself again in time, perhaps for the better. If you can cope with work and it helps you that is great, but don't run yourself into the ground.

 

You have always been a rude one whenever you post to me. I don't know why. Nor do I care. So, if I will listen to anyone on here it wouldn't be you. So, whatever. Also, from the post above it's clear that I stopped engaging in their life. So, yea. Okay.

 

Thank you for the kind words. I will try.

Working is actually helping my illness. I work very little, but it creates structure. So, instead of sleeping all day, which is normally what I do on my days off to recover after a day's worth of working, I can do something, so that my body can move. Also, the medication I'm currently taking, even though it's freaky strong, has been helping. Granted, I know that the medication is just a buffer, So, I'm going to get worse, regardless. And eventually I will have to leave my job. I don't know how bad this will get, but I know it will get bad. I'm already in the process of having another surgery, I think. Basically, I don't know if I have the emotional and physical strength for such a situation. As for my sister, I don't know what is up with her. I know she is hurting. I know she is struggling. But, I don't know how I can help her. I tried, and I miserably failed. So many times I have heard her cry on the phone because of something else that is happening, that shouldn't be happening, like being told of an eviction, and it breaks my heart. But, I don't know how I can help her. I don't think some time away will help us now. Something happened. She is different. Broken, I believe. I don't know, honestly.

As for the video, I'll check it out later. Thank you.

 

Wow.
Because she cares about her sister and is hurting because her sister has so many issues and stuff to deal with means she doesn't have a life?
Have you ever loved or cared for anyone...?

I have a sister, and if my sister wasn't happy/well/content I know I couldn't be either.

 

Lol, that song is funny.

I can totally understand why my sister's husband wouldn't want a 9 to 5 job doing manuel labor, like washing dishes. So, I do hope he finds what he is looking for. Maybe all the suffering they're enduring now will pay off later. I just don't know what will become of the three family units; his family, my sister's family, and their family. Clearly, his family will always be apart of their family. I just don't know about her family. I wish we all can be a community. We are stronger together than apart. Also, I grew up with all three family units considering there are a lot of kids and there is quite an age difference between my sister and I. Basically, I'm the oldest of the children, but I was still a child when I was introduce to his family. I grew up with them, and spent a lot of time with them. I have no idea how the holidays will be like. Not only is there issues with their family and my sister's family, but also his family. I think I mentioned it above, regarding some woman that my sister's husband and his father both did things with. Gosh, that sounds nasty. I don't even know what happened there. Maybe it is better to just be three separated family units. I don't know.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it there is four family units; his family, my sister's family, their family, and his twin sister's family. Anyways, I'm rambling. Sorry.

 

Thanks for understanding.

It's a tough situation. So, support is greatly appreciated.

 

Tough situation if one may have an arrest record.

In New York City, petty offenses like drinking in public, etc. are being decriminalized. Which is no help if it is already on your record.

Ban the Box legislation is advancing through the states, a background check will happen; just later in the hiring process.

Tough situation if one cannot pass the test down at LabCorp. Even to push shopping carts one must be clean.

Best luch and best wishes.

 

You started this thread, not me! You think I was rude? Oh, ok lol
Tell you what's rude! I have 3 sisters, and I wouldn't put their private Iives on the internet! I love and care too much about them..
Piaf! I would be In their face if they needed me, not trolling their business all over here!
Aoabai, i liked you once! But your a drama queen!
I can respond to any post on hip, I suggest you remember that, now YOU! Leave me alone!

 

You want me to leave you alone, even though you posted on my thread, and you often reply to me on other threads, posts with this kind of behavior?
Okay, whatever.
I don't really care.
Do whatever you want. If you get out of hand, i'll just block you.
And you talk about me being a drama queen.
Come on, grow up. Actually, you're already grown.

 

Lmao

 

Okay? Whatever.
I'm glad we had this talk. Hopefully, we won't overstep our boundaries in the future.

 

Another thing, I do understand that you disagree with my topics for threads. However, you should have just told me instead of trying to be rude in countless posts. I would have considered what you were saying. So, I would have either posted less of these topics, or maybe even no other thread like this. I don't want to upset you. And I definately don't want you to try to upset me. So, if I need to do that that's a small price to pay.

In my defense, posting about these things is therapeutic for me because I can let all my emotions and thoughts out. Also, it helps me because I get other points of views from people across the world.Sure, it sucks to get posts from people like you, and trolls. But, experiencing insight from so many people in one place is what I look for. It's amazing. Also, I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff in person. Even if I did I can't do it with someone in person, because simply they're apart of my life. People on here aren't apart of my life. And never will be apart of my life. You all will never meet me, or the people I talk about.

However, I understand that when it comes to forums it's better to fool around with posting, and post about general topics. It's frowned upon when someone reveals personal information. It looks bad. I can see how that can be attention whoring, or being one drawn to drama. But, this is what I post about. I don't like messing around posts. I'm not very good at that. And I can make general posts here and there, but mostly my posts, and threads are personal, because that's the kind of poster I am. I don't know what else to post about. This is just what I like to talk about. But, I'll decrease my amount, or maybe not do it anymore at all. Also, I'll allow this thread to die. That's the best I can do.

I don't want to state the obivious, and be like... "Well, if you don't like my threads and posts, don't read them" Bitch, please. Stop stating the obivious. That is easier said than done. When something annoys you, or you don't agree with it, you can't ignore it. You would have to have some strong wellpower to ignore it. So, I understand. I'll try to lessen my amount of posting threads like this. Or I won't post threads like this anymore. I don't know. I really don't come here a lot, so you got that.

I don't know what else to tell you. Just that I'll try.

 

You're kinda reaching there. This is an anonymous forum, she isnt exactly sharing her sisters business on facebook. None of us have a clue who her sister is.

For that reason HF can be a great place to share personal details and try to get some free and extremely unprofessional therapy. A lot of people do it. It doesnt make her a drama queen to seek advice about her family.