How can I help my girlfriend with self-injury?

My girlfriend used to struggle with bad depression, and was suicidal a few years back (before we were together). She had been ok since we were together until last month, when the depression started coming back a bit (on and off...some days she's happy and I wouldn't be able to tell, but other times she's really out of it). On several occasions she has been self-injuring (mild cutting...nothing too bad but I don't want it getting worse!), especially after we have bad arguments or if she feels bad about herself. She said that it helps relieve bad emotions. She was emotionally abused by her mom as a teenager, if that helps at all.

I've started to see a pattern where the self-injury often goes with problems between us, and I've tried talk to her about it and I do my best to keep her around when we have disagreements so that she can't go hurt herself, but I don't know what else I can do. Any advice?

Thank you so much!

 

Well,this may sound strange,but it IS true;
I had a female friend who had been abused.
As a consequence,she used to self-harm.
I knew about it-hard not to-but never mentioned it.
One day she asked me what she should do as she couldn't stop doing it.
She was worried NOT about the deed,but about what people thought.
I told her that if that's what it took to get her through bad times-then just make sure the blade is both sharp and clean.
That is NOT what she was expecting-but it's what she got.
Over the next few months,her self-harming became less frequent. Today,it's non-existent.
I take NO credit for that-SHE stopped,I didn't stop her.
But she told me it was the way I saw her not as a freak but as a hurting person trying to cope,that kept coming into her mind....eventually,Vic stopped of her own accord.
[and she never did have a cut become infected-because she'd use clean blades...]

 

Honestly, there isn't much you can do in my opinion.
It's really all on her to stop..And she won't stop unless she feels she should.
Just be there for her. Maybe when she's not down you could talk to her about some other healthier coping mechanisms.
And like puggy said, emphasis on clean and sharp blades.

 

I was in a situation like you. Seek professional help.I caught my ex slicing up her arms and entire stomach, I tried to take the knife away, we got into a struggle she ended up cutting my whole hand open, then ran into her parents room, loaded a pistol and accidently fired threw the wall. She wouldnt let me in and took 300+ pills and I ended up kicking down the door and driving her to the hospital as fast as I could.This is just an example, but seiously, its a bad problem and if you say it seems triggered by fights, then think about if you break up with her. What will happen to that unstable person.She wont want help and probably wont get any till its at a life changing point.I just advice extreme caution you dont know what this person could do.

And telling her to use sharp and clean knives, is a good concept but its also enabling...dont know if thats productive.

 

Positivity is the only thing that works...happy thoughts...happy talk.....making her feel worthwhile, instead of worthless, which she most probably feels already.

 

powerquest,

For what its worth, I disagree that there isn't much you can do. Some of this advice is why off track, in my opinion.

Your her current boyfriend, right? It is up to you to step up to the plate and navigate through all the BS that got her to start these behaviors. So, this person has some image issues w/ herself, a sense of low self-worth and your supposed to be the Man. The biggest thing you can do, if your serious about growing in this relationship is 1.) Tell her you don't want to see that shit anymore, period. Sounds cruel if you don't 2.) communicate to her that she is an amazing girlfriend and your serious about being with her. That you think she has worth. 3.) you said if you two fight, she goes to hurt herself... this is obviously attention, she needs to be shown 2.) do something fun together, make her smile, be a goof & come from a place of love.

I know we're in this age of gender equality, but if this is a girl w/ issues... then there should still be a man w/ the strength to fix shit. To be that rock. That system works fine for some people still...

-CC

 

Thank you! Yours is the only advice I actually agree with so far, and I've already been doing my best to do that. For everyone else, I think I may not have been detailed enough. The past few times, she has just been using small things like staples and the like, making little scratches (drawing a tiny bit of blood but nothing serious at all). It's not a frequent thing, but what I'm worried about is that it's going to get worse (everyone starts somewhere) so I want to help nip it in the bud if I can.

 

I retract my previous post and second crewcut's.
I still stand behind emphasis on clean and sharp blades, it's better than using something dull and non-sterile.
If it isn't a frequent thing, then now is the time to handle it, don't let it develop any further. It's much easier to deal with it now than it will be when it becomes a frequent thing with worse cuts, worse blades, etc.

 

"be a man w/ the strength to fix shit"

oh god, this is the WORST, most damaging, "advice" I've yet to see on this forum, and it's full of bad advice pretty much every where someone asks for it!
Please, encourage your girlfriend to get PROFESSIONAL HELP. Even if you were trained properly, you're too close to really be helpful. PLEASE, she needs professional help to deal with this level of trauma. The best you can do right now is do internet searches for local therapists, doctors, counselors, whatever is available. And be supportive, loving, and accepting at home with her. That's your role, you're her partner, not her "fixer".

And check your own motivations too, do you like that she "needs help, needs fixing"? that will not serve her or you long term.

 

There is no "help" for a person who does not want it. Even "professional help" will be ineffective if she does not make the conscious decision to change. It has to be her own free will choice. That is the first step and is a form of self-help.

If she decides that she does not want to hurt herself, she'll start on the path to healing, growing and learning.

You can help her to realize the choices she has, but you can't help her decide.

 

Yeah and usually when you tell someone you want them to see a shrink they clam up and get defensive

 

It's not fair to you to be held as an emotional hostage (her cutting herself when you two have problems). Everyone has a right to express themselves. At the same time, it sounds like she needs someone to listen to her. It seems like you are going in the right direction by looking around for advice. I'm sure there are many Internet resources that can help. I suggest that she see professional help though. You want to make sure that you don't follow bad advice, or incorrectly apply good advice.

Maybe listen to her without giving your opinion about what has happened to her, or how she feels. Those are her feelings and her experiences. If anything, just let her know how it makes you feel about what she has been through and is going through. Without out professional advice, I wouldn't try to label or evaluate what she is feeling.

Don't forget about yourself either. You can't be an emotional hostage and be passive every time someone threatens to harm themselves (or actually does harm themselves). That will only help perpetuate the behavior. I don't have any advice on how to handle that other than to repeat that she should get professional help and you continue to keep supporting her.

Just my opinion though.

 

Thanks! She is generally a pretty healthy person and we have a great relationship. She never threatens to go hurt herself or anything like that, but the thing is that I can tell if there's an instance where she's more likely to hurt herself if left alone, even without her saying anything. It doesn't stop me from speaking my mind if something important comes up, but I do worry about her. She's been doing ok lately, but I'm more worried about what's going to happen over the summer (we're in college) when she goes back to her family (especially her mom, who's the one who treats her really bad).

 

I wish you both the best.

I only did one search on amazon and this is what showed up:http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/s/ref=is_box_books?k=self+help+cutting
I never would have guessed there would be so much literature for this. A lot of the books have good ratings.

There is also tons of free info on the web. I only did one search on Google and got this.
https://www.google.com/search?safe=off&site=&source=hp&ei=akRkU5u-F4WSyATQp4LQCA&q=self+help+books+on+cutting&oq=&gs_l=mobile-gws-hp.1.0.41l3.0.0.0.370862.1.1.0.1.1.0.440.440.4-1.1.0....0...1c..42.mobile-gws-hp..0.1.124.3.O3td98t11_g#q=self+help+on+cutting&safe=off

There is more info than I imagined.

 

+1. Real stupid advice crewcut

I agree with this bit

but everything else is either sexist bull or depending on the person - for instance, she may think you're ignoring her if you try to make her laugh at a time where she doesn't need laughter, but gentle emotional support. It's a lot more complicated of a problem than just "be a man" and being steady in not wanting to see it happen can help, but again if you're forceful about it or make her feel guilty you can make the situation far worse

This is true - be that as it may, I would still recommend seeking professional help so that not only do you get rid of the behaviors but you also get a shot at getting rid of the underlying causes, emotions, etc. because they actually know what they're doing - however, this can take a long time and possibly several doctors. Never see anyone who tries to sell you a pill.
The first step towards going in this direction is getting her to admit to herself that she has a serious problem that CAN be fixed. Maybe getting her to see how distressed others are over her situation would help - again, it depends on how the individual reacts. Hopefully you know her well enough to get SOME sense of what might work. It helps to have good communication skills

 

www.suicideforum.com might be a good resource. they have a SH specific sub-forum.

this thread may also have some helpful info http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=485960&f=385