Honast opinions

i tend to write alot, and i use alot of wierd anologies and such i'm gonna share one i wrote lastnight with you guys and i would like honast opinions. Tell me what you think what you hated, and what you took away from it please.





sailing dreams



sit here spinning wheels
these wheels grinding bones
into memories that are buried at sea
its all you have when sailing dreams
they don't ask for forgiveness or pity
for dead men tell no tails
in the vian of all thats lost
you fight to break the storm horizon
are the clouds darker in your mind
did they bring lightning this time
whats the price of sailing dreams
some get caught in the siryns song
her voice as angelic as her eyes
both made for goodbyes
still some sail on chasing the dawn
hoping it'll change thier life forever
the price of sailing dreams
in the fathoms they search
for the water logged gospel on giving up
drowning rats abandon ship
the ocean she awaits she is beauty
and she is a cruel mistress
this ship made of stolen dreams
is going belly up
the sea is sweet and sexy like codien
she'll take you in the end
sleep well with her salt in your black eyes
don't you know a good thing when it leaves you
oh yes her kiss is so wet
and she has claimed an untold many
while she was angered under a full moon
this mast of skulls is going down
like a cheap hooker trying to make ends meet
it makes perfect sense
when sailing dreams
if you know love is the titanic
and everyday life is the fuckin iceburg
how did you not see this coming
yo ho ho and a bottle of rum empty at the wheel
the angry fish will smile
while the feast on your flesh
davey jones is a bastard
even without an octopus for a head
but he has open arms
and he loves the feast of sailing dreams
everything will surely go dark
so you can sleep for eternity
who said your dreams arn't for sale
your dreams where roughly
the value of you setting sail
death disassembles life one broken shard at a time
when your sailing dreams

 

First thought was spellcheck,
second WOO PIRATES!!!,
third the mood seemed to jump around, I don't know if that's just how I read it or not,

I liked it but it could be worked better. I'm not that good a writer myself so you're better off getting more advice but seriously, woo pirates!

 

Just because you can use metaphor doesn't mean you should. It was so esoteric I couldn't decipher what it was about, theres little coherent style to your prose, and your analogies are as meaningful as a gorilla in a snowstorm.

"if you know love is the titanic
and everyday life is the fuckin iceburg"

Just get rid of that whole verse.

Keep writing.

 

yeah i hate spellcheck but SERIOUSLY need to use it, pretty much like ALWAYS. I get the jump around feel to, it sorta about pirates but more the mood an attitude the sea is a beautiful thing, it's many things calm and beautiful, angry and dangerous...kinda like a relationship which is the vague premises of the writting.

 

i like the iceburg line, but it does kinda stand out like it doesn't belong. I don't like to go back and change things i leave them as they are when i wrote it, however i do apperciate ALL of your opinions. Seriously tho people like to goof off on here there are several seriously smart people here.

 

Alliteration!! Your writing is improving. *beams with pride*.

 

why the hell can't people spell anymore?

I can spell ANY word in the english language

 

hahahaha that made me laugh, do i get a gold star. My problem is a write or type as i'm thinking and don't worry about spelling. it's a flaw i'm aware of, but somehow i can't bring myself to care all that much. Could be worse i could be typing in txt speak i was like LOL WTF and OMG....

 

i can give you my honest opinion, but i'm not too sure if i know you well enough to give you my honast

 

i use txt speak when i'm texting for obvious reasons


but when I'm writing anything, I have t spell it right


capitalization is optional

 

honasty

like that ho nasty

 

so he wants nasty hoes?

 

GO right ahead i like all kinds of critacism

 

there is a pretty solid market for nasty hos


even in today's struggling economy

 

i only give criticism


i'm sorry i'm done being a jerk really. indiana.

 

Done being a jerk but not done jerkin' it off.

 

jerking off takes time

 

right on jaitaiyai

 

And the Nobel Prize goes to TGK for his astounding observational skills.