Honast opinions

Discussion in 'Random Thoughts' started by Hellvis, Feb 16, 2009.

  1. Hellvis

    Hellvis Senior Member

    i tend to write alot, and i use alot of wierd anologies and such i'm gonna share one i wrote lastnight with you guys and i would like honast opinions. Tell me what you think what you hated, and what you took away from it please.





    sailing dreams



    sit here spinning wheels
    these wheels grinding bones
    into memories that are buried at sea
    its all you have when sailing dreams
    they don't ask for forgiveness or pity
    for dead men tell no tails
    in the vian of all thats lost
    you fight to break the storm horizon
    are the clouds darker in your mind
    did they bring lightning this time
    whats the price of sailing dreams
    some get caught in the siryns song
    her voice as angelic as her eyes
    both made for goodbyes
    still some sail on chasing the dawn
    hoping it'll change thier life forever
    the price of sailing dreams
    in the fathoms they search
    for the water logged gospel on giving up
    drowning rats abandon ship
    the ocean she awaits she is beauty
    and she is a cruel mistress
    this ship made of stolen dreams
    is going belly up
    the sea is sweet and sexy like codien
    she'll take you in the end
    sleep well with her salt in your black eyes
    don't you know a good thing when it leaves you
    oh yes her kiss is so wet
    and she has claimed an untold many
    while she was angered under a full moon
    this mast of skulls is going down
    like a cheap hooker trying to make ends meet
    it makes perfect sense
    when sailing dreams
    if you know love is the titanic
    and everyday life is the fuckin iceburg
    how did you not see this coming
    yo ho ho and a bottle of rum empty at the wheel
    the angry fish will smile
    while the feast on your flesh
    davey jones is a bastard
    even without an octopus for a head
    but he has open arms
    and he loves the feast of sailing dreams
    everything will surely go dark
    so you can sleep for eternity
    who said your dreams arn't for sale
    your dreams where roughly
    the value of you setting sail
    death disassembles life one broken shard at a time
    when your sailing dreams
     
  2. Jaitaiyai

    Jaitaiyai Cianpo di tutti capi

    First thought was spellcheck,
    second WOO PIRATES!!!,
    third the mood seemed to jump around, I don't know if that's just how I read it or not,

    I liked it but it could be worked better. I'm not that good a writer myself so you're better off getting more advice but seriously, woo pirates! :D
     
  3. Mr. Mojo Risin'

    Mr. Mojo Risin' Senior Member

  4. lode

    lode Banned

    Just because you can use metaphor doesn't mean you should. It was so esoteric I couldn't decipher what it was about, theres little coherent style to your prose, and your analogies are as meaningful as a gorilla in a snowstorm.

    "if you know love is the titanic
    and everyday life is the fuckin iceburg"

    Just get rid of that whole verse.

    Keep writing.
     
  5. Hellvis

    Hellvis Senior Member

    yeah i hate spellcheck but SERIOUSLY need to use it, pretty much like ALWAYS. I get the jump around feel to, it sorta about pirates but more the mood an attitude the sea is a beautiful thing, it's many things calm and beautiful, angry and dangerous...kinda like a relationship which is the vague premises of the writting.
     
  6. Hellvis

    Hellvis Senior Member

    i like the iceburg line, but it does kinda stand out like it doesn't belong. I don't like to go back and change things i leave them as they are when i wrote it, however i do apperciate ALL of your opinions. Seriously tho people like to goof off on here there are several seriously smart people here.
     
  7. Jaitaiyai

    Jaitaiyai Cianpo di tutti capi

    Alliteration!! Your writing is improving. *beams with pride*.
     
  8. TheGanjaKing

    TheGanjaKing Newbie

    why the hell can't people spell anymore?

    I can spell ANY word in the english language
     
  9. Hellvis

    Hellvis Senior Member

    hahahaha that made me laugh, do i get a gold star. My problem is a write or type as i'm thinking and don't worry about spelling. it's a flaw i'm aware of, but somehow i can't bring myself to care all that much. Could be worse i could be typing in txt speak i was like LOL WTF and OMG....
     
  10. raz5

    raz5 زینب

    i can give you my honest opinion, but i'm not too sure if i know you well enough to give you my honast :eek:
     
  11. TheGanjaKing

    TheGanjaKing Newbie

    i use txt speak when i'm texting for obvious reasons


    but when I'm writing anything, I have t spell it right


    capitalization is optional
     
  12. TheGanjaKing

    TheGanjaKing Newbie


    honasty

    like that ho nasty
     
  13. raz5

    raz5 زینب

    so he wants nasty hoes?
     
  14. Hellvis

    Hellvis Senior Member



    GO right ahead i like all kinds of critacism
     
  15. TheGanjaKing

    TheGanjaKing Newbie

    there is a pretty solid market for nasty hos


    even in today's struggling economy
     
  16. raz5

    raz5 زینب

    i only give criticism :(


    i'm sorry i'm done being a jerk really. indiana.
     
  17. Jaitaiyai

    Jaitaiyai Cianpo di tutti capi

    Done being a jerk but not done jerkin' it off. :cool:
     
  18. TheGanjaKing

    TheGanjaKing Newbie

    jerking off takes time
     
  19. raz5

    raz5 زینب

    right on jaitaiyai
     
  20. Jaitaiyai

    Jaitaiyai Cianpo di tutti capi

    And the Nobel Prize goes to TGK for his astounding observational skills. :rolleyes:
     

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