hi, this is my first poetry post...

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by originalsacrament, May 26, 2004.

  1. Is there a chance?

    trying to capture
    shining rays of "new,"
    for all to hold and censure,
    spread fold and make it old.

    trying to play
    to sing and say "it's all okay,"
    but I can't because I saw
    and percieved some more out of the day,
    out of the way -
    it's an integral feild
    the imagined reality we weild
    and project on others subconsciously.
    if only we were one another,
    humanity's own brother,
    its surrogate twin.
    I'm looking -
    for a comon feild to link us
    but the deeper I search,
    the more I extend
    to expand my awareness,
    the more I find that within lives without a lie.
    And I feel cold around those who pretend...
    the warmth sucked off by the projected control lens.
    erected to protect and encapsulate
    he who doesn't want to assimilate
    the alien rays of warm co-existance.
     
  2. ravenapples

    ravenapples Member

    Your poem has a message but sometimes it is too wordy. I think your should take out some of the words you don't need to get the point across. I'm going to abstract your poem a little.

    chance

    captured shining
    rays of "new,"
    hold and censure,
    spread fold and make old.

    trying to play
    sing or say "it's okay,"

    but I can't because I saw
    some more out of the day,
    an integral geild of the
    imagined reality we weild
    and project subconsciously.

    if only we were one another,
    humanity's brother.

    looking -
    for a feild to link us
    but the deeper I search,
    the more I extend my awareness,
    within lives without a lie.
    And I feel cold around those who pretend...
    warmth sucked off by the projected lens.
    erected to protect
    those who don't want to assimilate
    the alien rays of warm co-existance.
     
  3. thank you ravenapples, that is a drastic difference! I like the way it was, but in light of your input, going to re-evalutate approach. :p
     
  4. spicypisces

    spicypisces Member

    Try to read your poem as someone who hasn't been in your head.

    The thoughts are sometimes choppy/disconnected...perhaps try rearranging them for a more flowing result, or deciding on one or two metaphors (E.G. - sexual, a garden, whatever) and trying to build from a single foundation.

    You are trying to convey a deep message here...but it's a little blurry.
     
  5. roly

    roly Senior Member

    personally, i think it's fantabulous and i really love it!xxxxxxxxxxxxx
     

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