Is there a chance? trying to capture shining rays of "new," for all to hold and censure, spread fold and make it old. trying to play to sing and say "it's all okay," but I can't because I saw and percieved some more out of the day, out of the way - it's an integral feild the imagined reality we weild and project on others subconsciously. if only we were one another, humanity's own brother, its surrogate twin. I'm looking - for a comon feild to link us but the deeper I search, the more I extend to expand my awareness, the more I find that within lives without a lie. And I feel cold around those who pretend... the warmth sucked off by the projected control lens. erected to protect and encapsulate he who doesn't want to assimilate the alien rays of warm co-existance.
Your poem has a message but sometimes it is too wordy. I think your should take out some of the words you don't need to get the point across. I'm going to abstract your poem a little. chance captured shining rays of "new," hold and censure, spread fold and make old. trying to play sing or say "it's okay," but I can't because I saw some more out of the day, an integral geild of the imagined reality we weild and project subconsciously. if only we were one another, humanity's brother. looking - for a feild to link us but the deeper I search, the more I extend my awareness, within lives without a lie. And I feel cold around those who pretend... warmth sucked off by the projected lens. erected to protect those who don't want to assimilate the alien rays of warm co-existance.
thank you ravenapples, that is a drastic difference! I like the way it was, but in light of your input, going to re-evalutate approach.
Try to read your poem as someone who hasn't been in your head. The thoughts are sometimes choppy/disconnected...perhaps try rearranging them for a more flowing result, or deciding on one or two metaphors (E.G. - sexual, a garden, whatever) and trying to build from a single foundation. You are trying to convey a deep message here...but it's a little blurry.