Here (Help me discover why I typed this)

You are spot on with that, my self awareness of it has been really overwhelming lately.

I have talked to her and she doesn't want to give up on our relationship and she is working towards a positive change.. just like I obviously will need to be doing until I stop breathing in this body.

My fears really have nothing to do with her though, I thought in the past that I was "over" what I am going through now with myself.

I don't wake up paralyzed with fear anymore to where I can't get out of bed but I am still gripped and was totally unaware of how strong it was until the past few days.

Thank you so much for your response.

 

you sound a bit brainwashed dude...

 

Fear can be paralyzing in so many ways. Some very obvious but most so subtle.
Being aware of it might feel overwhelming but maybe being aware of it is your psyche's way of keeping you from becoming paralyzed.
It is after all only fear.

 

That is the truth.

Well I can't do anything about something that I am not aware of, I was thinking that I was completely over all of that

 

I am a fucking retard.

Need I type what has transpired over the past couple of days?

Sure, why not, I can't save my face and my ass at the same time.

So I got back together with her (real name; Shelby) a little bit ago and things were going well (seemingly), for a while.
She is a massage therapist and I am enrolled in massage school. There was an event this past weekend put on by the Make a Wish foundation wherein bicyclists ride 300 miles to raise money to grant wishes for terminally ill kids.
She volunteered a couple years ago to massage the riders. She asked if I wanted to go and we did. I knew it would be great experience for this trade I'm trying to learn and it was, I got to log over 20 hours of massage for school in a couple of days.

The first place we stayed at was an elementary school, the next was a university, and the next was a high school. Everyone would tent out or sleep inside on air mattresses/on the floor.

We arrived at the last place we'd be staying and I had to urinate, I didn't know where anything was or know anyone really except one other massage therapist... out of 900 people. I saw a mens locker room/bathroom and said, "I have to shit will you wait for me?"
She said, "Yes."
For whatever reason I felt it necessary to add in, "If you're going to wait, please don't leave."
I was not in there for even five minutes.

I came out and she was not anywhere to be seen, she said she had to wash her hands so I figured she might be using the toilet in the females area which was right next to the males. I waited for over ten minutes at least, looked down the halls and couldn't see her. Massage people had bright yellow shirts on and there were only eight of us so it was not hard to find one another. I finally asked a lady going in to the restroom if she would ask if there was a Shelby in there. She came out and said, "Negative."
I then proceeded to look all around, went to the car even, couldn't find her. Finally I gave up and figured I'd see her sometime later. I got in line for the seven o clock event and was pretty flustered. Then she comes down the hall with a dumb ass smile on her face, first thing I said was, "That was pretty fucking lame."
Argued a bit, she didn't seem to think it was that big of a deal.

Disrespect, no consideration of my being.

She met a lady that was a cyclist and thought she was nice. She told me earlier that day that she might go to the hotel where she was staying at and give her a massage. That was all that was said, we didn't talk about it or anything. We hadn't even set up the tent or a bed inside and all of our shit was in the car and every night we got to bed really late and slept in to long so I was looking to be getting to bed at a decent time.
After the seven o clock event I saw the lady in the hall and pointed her out to Shelby and we went over and talked to her small group of people. Shelby then said after a bit, "We will both come over right now then." Assuming that I wouldn't mind doing whatever she wanted to do.
She said it right in front of them so I wasn't going to raise a fuss over it right then and the tent and everything was in the vehicle along with all my other stuff still so I went and told her how I felt in the car. By her actions and words at that time she did not care.

After we got back I talked to her for hours until I finally actually felt HAPPY with my relations with her. We went to bed late of course as she didn't get done with the massage until 11:20pm and talking for a while kept us up. I felt better though.

Then the next day after we arrived safely back home, I went to my usual meeting Sunday evening. We both went, then proceeded to leave. She wanted to stop by and see her kids at Charles mom's house where they were. She was going to drop me off at her place and see them for a little bit.
She called the grandmother and was asked what she was doing. Shelby said, "Oh I'm taking my friend Tisha home."
I was livid. There was no Tisha in the car and I was the one driving.
She was "scared" that Charles mom might yell at her for being with me.

I told her that is fucking bullshit because a little while ago I went with her to get her kids from ****** Boy (Charles). Charles threatened that he was going to strangle me and he wanted to meet in a public place so he could get it on camera.
I wasn't going to let that prevent me from living my life, not going to be dictated by a person who himself lives in nothing but fear.

So I went and surprisingly he actually was yelling in my direction at the time he got in my face and I restrained him, he responded with, "What the fuck why are you touching me?" and backed off. It was truly pathetic on his end and after I grabbed his arms I realized just how frail he is. It was a sad situation.
I wrote that to show the comparison of me being told that I was going to be strangled and dealing with the idiot and even restraining him compared to Shelby PROJECTING that his mother would say mean things to her.

Pathetic.

So as if that wasn't the cherry on top...

 

I somehow "worked" through it with her.

Then the next day we went to a meeting and she was very insistent that I leave to get something to eat for her and I because she didn't want to see me get hungry and then be angry.

I eventually did but had a really nasty vibe from her. I got back at the very end of the meeting and hugged a couple of people I know.
There was a guy there that used her for sex and when Shelby didn't want it anymore in the past and told him that he called her a pussy among other things. She gave this guy a hug and a scum fuck grin came across his face. Then outside the meeting she demonstrated a jump kick she has to do in karate for a new comer and the guy that used her. I was pissed off because I told her how I felt about the guy.

He wants to hurt me, he has shown that by his actions, he also wants to hurt her.
If the roles were reversed and I was in karate and a female like that wanted to see me do a kick I wouldn't do it for one, because I don't associate with people (besides Shelby clearly) who want nothing more than to harm me and my hypothetical partner, and out of respect for the person I claim to care about, I wouldn't want them to feel uncomfortable.

Anyways she didn't seem to care too much by her actions and we got into it.

I told her how I felt and was saying, "It is ok if you talk to that guy, I just won't be around. I can't stand feeling this fucking insecure and having no trust for you at all. Why would you want to be with some one as controlling as I am?"

We went back and forth, mainly me yelling. Got back to her place and continued the nonsense for a couple hours in which she did nothing but sob, wail, cry, say she felt like she should kill herself. I hid all of the knives I could find in the wood stove. She probably won't ever find those for a while.

Eventually she said, "I don't like how that guy treats you."
Then it clicked and I said, "You don't care how he treats you."
She agreed.

I then concluded verbally that she hates herself which is why she has no regard for anyone around her not even her.

The Just for Today meditation happened to be HONESTY. A lady at the meeting said to her that nothing but good comes from being honest.

Shelby took that as "bunnies and rainbows come from being honest no matter what."

She was sitting on the couch and said, "I have something I've been terrified to tell you."

"What is it?"

"The last time you and I werent together I had sex with Charles. I also had sex with another guy too."

It hit me like a bag of bricks, this retard neglected to tell me what she did out of "fear" that I wouldn't "be" with her.

Then it clicked and I said, "Oh my god you didn't use a condom with Charles!"

She sat there in silence. "Did you use a condom with the random guy?"

She said, "No."

Oh my fucking god she could have passed me a life threatening disease.
She was saying later, "If it makes you feel any better, I showered and douched really well after both times."

Yes that makes me feel great about being lied to for an entire month.

I yelled some more, was very livid after hearing that. At one point I was just laughing.

I wanted to walk home, it would have been a couple hour walk, it was raining and late at night.

She was telling me that I shouldn't tell anyone and that her and I should just work through it.



I had one condom left so I decided to stay, my friend laughed when I told him and said, "Oh my god you grudgefucked her."

While we were having sex she said, "Its like healing."

I laughed in my head and thought of how retarded she is.

I woke from horrid dreams about her and she asked if I wanted a ride home before her 9am appointment or after it. I said before.

She started getting ready and got in the shower.

The only thing I said while there that morning was while she was in the shower, "I might have a life threatening disease because of you."

I felt so disgusted that I would allow myself to be treated like a piece of shit.

I packed my shit and left on foot without letting her know.

I called my friend Dave and we talked for a little while before he went to work and my friend Greg came and saved me from walking the rest of the way.

I was so mentally fucked for a while and still am right now.

Had no idea how I would ever do the homework that I have at hand among other responsibilities.

My friend Jordan came and got me later last night and picked me up and took me with her to her friends house. I asked if they would help me with my homework.

They did it for me. I thought they would just be helping but I scored big there. Such a load off my back during this troubling time.

I called a suicide hot line yesterday just to talk about the situation and the counselor referred me to a number to see if I could get free counseling.

Obviously there is a problem with me or I wouldn't treat myself like shit in the way that I have typed.

 

I'm grateful.

This too shall pass. I have learned that to be true from experience.