My mate started taking Olanzapine (an anti-psychotic) a month ago. Though she remains psychotic, she was much calmer, and the nicest she's been to me in at least two years. Last week, she insisted upon accompanying me to PTSD treatment (which these days centers almost exclusively upon my day-to-day trauma with her), insisting upon waiting in the car. At exactly 4:00:01 she furiously stormed into the session, angrily ranting and raving about my inconsideration at forcing her wait for me in the hot sun; precisely as I'd encouraged her not to do over and over again. Yesterday she exploded in my face; threatening to leave/relationship's over; raging in minute detail about just how much I suck as a friend, companion, and caregiver, and what an abject failure I am as a person (which I'm feeling quite acutely right now, thank you very much); nothing but vitriol and absolute contempt (major point of contention; I don't believe or participate in her paranoid delusions. Nobody's hunting us with ray guns supplied by Mexican drug cartels). Then in the blink of an eye she put on the most ludicrously incongruous happy smiley-face and we sat down to a nice cheerful dinner with her family as if nothing happened. It's positively mind-bending. I'm completely exhausted from spending all week entertaining her and my in-laws, I've had 3 hours sleep, and I'm just absolutely crushed; gutted. I'm completely bewildered; out of ideas with no notion of how to move forward; every new initiative results in walking into another emotional ambush. It feels like I've failed utterly, any progress is illusory, and my own depression is rapidly gathering steam. I can barely look at not-so-old photos of the woman I loved; vivacious and gleeful, and all I feel is deep, abiding grief. I don't know what to do any more. Happy birthday my Beloved. My birthday present for you; another year of preventing you from becoming a homeless person angrily muttering to themselves; alone, unloved,and anonymous on a dark city sidewalk somewhere.
Remember you are a person too just as deserving of love and compassion. It is not your job to save others no matter how much you love them or how responsible you feel. You matter too. ❤️
