Help please

Discussion in 'Women's Forum' started by New_hippie86, Aug 29, 2005.

  1. New_hippie86

    New_hippie86 Member

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    Help please

    Ok I sort of go out with this girl, but……………….

    Well ill start at the beginning she was raped not very long ago, she says she just doesn’t trust guys. And I can understand that, what happened to her was really F*** up. In my opinion there is very little more personal to a woman than her ability to chose who she has sex with, and I think that those who rape take such a large part of there victims that I believe the rapist should be put to death! Anyway this girl im with is uncomfortable with any kind of sexual experience (even kissing) she think it would make he a slut. What could I do to make her more comfortable with herself? Im not just a horny teen I really want to help her heal emotionally from her past. I try to tell her she is beautiful in and out, but se doesn’t believe me. Will anything other than time help her heal?

  2. Green

    Green Iconoclastic

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    Did she recieve counselling for the rape? How long ago was this, a year, or a few weeks, or something? Explain to her that sluts have no standards, and shes not a slut. Also, its not her fault she got rapped. Being rapped doesn't make you a slut.

    I don't have any experience dealing with rape though.
  3. Maggie Sugar

    Maggie Sugar Senior Member

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    Counseling after a rape is essensial. Otherwise she will carry the scars for a very long time, if not forever.

    Many womyn are not ready for intimacy for a long time after a sexual assault. Being a freind, really a freind, is what she needs right now. She needs to know there are men who are nice and caring. You can do that for her.
  4. aztech

    aztech Member

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    wow i got a strong reaction inside myself from reading this, i was very close to being raped and killed about 3 weeks ago..very very close let me say, but actual penetration did not occur...i havent gone too counseling yet, ive been too afraid and avoiding it...when someone violates your being, its very powerful, i wish i could just brush it off, but i cannot, someone pushed me into the victim role, anyway, for your friend,that must be very sad and painful! i would say be there for her let her talk it out in detail, cry whatever needs to be done, let her know you are not a harmful male friend, be there in a non sexual way, maybe get her to write out her experience just to get it out of her..i dont really have anymore suggestions, as i havent perused any for myself...thank you for reminding me though...i think those violations of the physical being are contained in the body for a long time, the mind may be able to put it off but the body wont lose that fear and memory of violation so easily...time and expression of that pain artisically i think can do some good..wishing you and your friend so much compassion, love and healing,
  5. white ginger

    white ginger Senior Member

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    I felt really moved reading your post, aztech. I went through some sexual violation experiences more than once, and I really resonate with what you're saying, particularly about the body not forgetting, but the mind being able to carry on... I find this works until the body can't stand being ignored, and then the wound makes itself unmistakeably known.

    Newhippy, I feel that it's really, really kind and sweet of you to be searching for some way to help your girlfriend. There was a guy that was there for me in a somewhat similar way after my experiences.
    Whatever you do, don't make her feel as though she's obligated, or should be doing sexual things with you. It's really important to be assertive that you are sexually attracted to her, yet remain centered--don't, when you're really horny, sit and long for it so that she feels like 'it's her fault and she should do something about it.'
    Rather, when you want to express that you care about her, wait until you're in a private area, and ask her if you can simply hold her, and, most importantly (this is essential), be open and content with a yes or a no. If she says no, be supportive that she has the courage to say no. If she says yes, pull her into your arms, and just hold her. If you get hard, don't press it into her or anything, give her space, and just hold her. The kind of healing that can happen through supportive and undemanding or unwanting touch is inexplicable and incredible.

    The fact is, it might be a long, long time before you two will mutually want to be sexual together. If you're looking for that, don't look for it from her. You can tell her that you want her, but don't impose.

    The guy I was with was assertive and caring and gave me space, and because he was that way, the passion that grew inside me was wonderful because of the healing that had taken place, and it was intensely sexual.


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